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In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 8:13 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 7:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
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BOSTON, MA—According to sources, a local man with over 337 hours logged in Elden Ring has leveled serious criticism against organized religion, calling it the "opiate of the masses."
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 7:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 4:20 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 9:24 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Thousands of American women have embarked on an annual summer pilgrimage to Magnolia Market at the Silos to hunt for what they say are divinely inspired decor and bath products across the site's retail shops.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 7:28 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Conservatives are calling for a return to traditional strip clubs with no kids or drag queens present, marking a dramatic departure from modern sensibilities in favor of the simple old-fashioned deviancy they're used to.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 12:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The world has been trying to rip off Christianity for thousands of years with wacky false idols and soap opera quality greek mythology. Frankly, it's embarrassing.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 12:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The nation is abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 11:33 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A shocking new discovery has reportedly shattered what everyone thought they knew about the biblical tale of Cain and Abel by suggesting Cain's rejected offering to the Lord God was none other than kale.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 9:41 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Excitement across the nation has reached a fever pitch as the famed Powerball Lottery jackpot reached the staggering sum of two tanks of gas.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 12:28 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With a run time of one-and-a-half minutes, new release Top Gun: Predator shows a drone completing the exact same mission as in Maverick, but way faster.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 12:17 am
By: Babylon Bee
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When his bi-weekly sedan fill-up exceeded $120 for the 10th time, local man Matthew Standridge found himself wondering if the Jan 6 “insurrection” was really such a tragedy.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 12:06 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The Meebleton family was enjoying their Sunday morning tradition of burning pancakes and spilling the syrup when husband, Ron, did his part to get the family ready for church by shouting, "Kids, it's time to get ready for church!"
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 11:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Police arrested a tomahawk-wielding Cherokee Indian hiding in the bushes outside Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh's home this week.
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 9:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Father's Day is fast approaching. If you want to support the patriarchy you're going to pony up the cash to honor your father or he'll think you don't care! Manly gifts only!
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 7:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Melma Dultrup, a local gas station cashier and purveyor of bored facial expressions, had just finished approving a loan for a family wanting to fill a tank of gas when a man approached and placed a small pack of Juicy Fruit™ gum on the counter.
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 7:31 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Thousands of teachers who are out of work or on summer break are being forced to frequent playgrounds and shout their sexual preferences to random kids, as they no longer have a classroom full of captive listeners to discuss their queerness with.
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 4:36 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A young child was stung by a fish Tuesday while frolicking through a meadow in Yosemite National Park. The three-year-old girl, daughter of George and Shelly Quicken, allegedly provoked the wild fish when she began picking flowers for her mother.
Published: Saturday, June 11th, 2022 @ 8:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A protocol droid acquired to assist White House staffers in interpreting statements from President Biden struggled mightily in its first day on the job, in spite of being fluent in every form of communication in the known galaxy.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 10:05 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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U.S.—A new study has found a connection between having thousands of unread emails and your likelihood of becoming a serial killer.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 9:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Colin Kaepernick has made his way back into the NFL as a cheerleader for the Carolina Panthers. He will be the team's first African American Transgender Poly-Bi Cheerleader and will be joining the team on road games.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 5:38 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Some things about Donald Trump are common knowledge. For example, he's everyone's favorite President of the United States. Duh! But you may be surprised to find there are many things you still don't know!
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 5:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Citing an objective poll of everyday Americans who work as CNN executives or Democrat tacticians, CNN has announced a strategic rebranding to JAN6NN, citing the vital significance of what occurred on that fateful day in 2021.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 4:10 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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An embarrassing crime wave has taken Toronto by storm as criminals, emboldened by Canada's ban on handguns, have begun holding up businesses armed with nothing but finger guns.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 2:36 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Last week, Biden proudly announced he had authorized an emergency charter flight carrying 3.7 bottles of much-needed infant formula to the states.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 2:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a tragic case out of political news outlet and razor sales firm the Daily Wire this week, Matt Walsh released his documentary, What Is A Woman?
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 12:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Emperor Palpatine's office has announced the construction of a bigger and even more powerful Death Star equipped with a 9mm. The Death Star's blast is said to be so powerful it can blow the core out of a planet.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 11:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Chick-fil-A has finally come around to celebrating pride month this year. The fast-food company has announced that throughout June, all waffle fries will be covered in salt from Lot's wife.
Published: Friday, June 10th, 2022 @ 10:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Uh oh! You just came across something incriminating about Hillary Clinton! Whatever you do, don't go to the press! They know everything anyway. Trust no one!
Published: Thursday, June 9th, 2022 @ 11:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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According to White House sources, President Biden tuned in to the latest White House press conference this afternoon in an attempt to find out what his policy positions are.
Published: Thursday, June 9th, 2022 @ 10:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Well, [latest Marvel movie] is out, and if there's something we can say about it, it's that it's a movie where things happen, heroes punch bad guys, and sometimes there are jokes.
Published: Thursday, June 9th, 2022 @ 3:44 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a moment of existential dread, the nation's podcast hosts all suddenly realized that all they do is bring on other podcast hosts and interview them about each other's podcasts.
Published: Thursday, June 9th, 2022 @ 2:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Following their sermon series tour in synagogues throughout Judea and Samaria, the apostles have come under fire for their message. Critics say that they have yet to publicly repent of their internalized whiteness, instead preaching “repentance of sin.”
Published: Thursday, June 9th, 2022 @ 2:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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