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Babylon Bee's Entries

As opinions on gun control have filled the news following violent shootings caused by guns and nothing else, the non-authoritarian democracy of Australia has shone like a beacon of hope for proponents of strict gun control.
As opinions on gun control have filled the news following violent shootings caused by guns and nothing else, the non-authoritarian democracy of Australia has shone like a beacon of hope for proponents of strict gun control.
 
Many described the scene as breathtaking or awe-inspiring. Others were so touched they couldn't find the words to communicate how they felt. Most simply wept.
Many described the scene as breathtaking or awe-inspiring. Others were so touched they couldn't find the words to communicate how they felt. Most simply wept.
 
Archeologists excavating in the Jordan Rift Valley have uncovered what they believe are the rainbow logos used by companies to promote Pride Month in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Archeologists excavating in the Jordan Rift Valley have uncovered what they believe are the rainbow logos used by companies to promote Pride Month in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.
 
Local man Bryan Coleman became exceedingly frustrated this morning as his devotional on patience was repeatedly interrupted by his needy kids.
Local man Bryan Coleman became exceedingly frustrated this morning as his devotional on patience was repeatedly interrupted by his needy kids.
 
Thurston's Lobster Pound, a popular seafood restaurant on the Maine coast, was put on high alert Friday after one of the lobsters in the live tank threatened employees and patrons with bodily harm.
Thurston's Lobster Pound, a popular seafood restaurant on the Maine coast, was put on high alert Friday after one of the lobsters in the live tank threatened employees and patrons with bodily harm.
 
Local husband Justin Buble was "totally blindsided" by an event his wife only told him about every day for the past month, sources at the Buble household confirmed this afternoon.
Local husband Justin Buble was "totally blindsided" by an event his wife only told him about every day for the past month, sources at the Buble household confirmed this afternoon.
 
Panic broke out at the Supreme Court building today, June 26, 2015, when a “Bravis B. Goodside” appeared from a green warp zone claiming to be a time traveler. Sources say Bravis described a dark future where the gay agenda swallows children whole.
Panic broke out at the Supreme Court building today, June 26, 2015, when a “Bravis B. Goodside” appeared from a green warp zone claiming to be a time traveler. Sources say Bravis described a dark future where the gay agenda swallows children whole.
 
Guns are scary. This is a fact. They commit terrible crimes of their own accord, without any kind of input from an evil human being at all. But it's important to know the facts about guns, since we live in a society.
Guns are scary. This is a fact. They commit terrible crimes of their own accord, without any kind of input from an evil human being at all. But it's important to know the facts about guns, since we live in a society.
 
Amber Heard has landed a major endorsement deal with Proctor & Gamble to promote Charmin brand toilet paper products.
Amber Heard has landed a major endorsement deal with Proctor & Gamble to promote Charmin brand toilet paper products.
 
After admitting on national television that she had not anticipated the intensity and length of America's inflation pains, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen was seen in her office poring over a copy of Economics for Dummies.
After admitting on national television that she had not anticipated the intensity and length of America's inflation pains, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen was seen in her office poring over a copy of Economics for Dummies.
 
As the blockbuster televised defamation trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard winds to a close, entertainment giant Disney has announced that five new sequels will be released over the ensuing years.
As the blockbuster televised defamation trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard winds to a close, entertainment giant Disney has announced that five new sequels will be released over the ensuing years.
 
K-Pop music sensation BTS has been invited to the White House to discuss anti-Asian hate and discrimination. When the artists entered the oval office President Biden welcomed them by pulling out his phone and playing ‘Kung Fu Fighting’.
K-Pop music sensation BTS has been invited to the White House to discuss anti-Asian hate and discrimination. When the artists entered the oval office President Biden welcomed them by pulling out his phone and playing ‘Kung Fu Fighting’.
 
According to reporters, the Dillard family gathered over the weekend after coming to the sad conclusion that it was time to take away their beloved Nana’s "@TrumpWonMAGAForeverXOXO" Twitter account after noticing a disturbing increase in unhinged tweetstorms.
According to reporters, the Dillard family gathered over the weekend after coming to the sad conclusion that it was time to take away their beloved Nana’s "@TrumpWonMAGAForeverXOXO" Twitter account after noticing a disturbing increase in unhinged tweetstorms.
 
Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted attempting to shoo away her Tesla Model 3 Thursday afternoon. She reportedly set the car free following a Twitter feud with Elon Musk but was discouraged when the car would not leave her driveway to go back to the wild.
Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted attempting to shoo away her Tesla Model 3 Thursday afternoon. She reportedly set the car free following a Twitter feud with Elon Musk but was discouraged when the car would not leave her driveway to go back to the wild.
 
Only a few minutes after the verdict was read in the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, conservative media company The Daily Wire announced they have uncanceled the now infamous celebrity and signed a contract with her for several new movies and shows.
Only a few minutes after the verdict was read in the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, conservative media company The Daily Wire announced they have uncanceled the now infamous celebrity and signed a contract with her for several new movies and shows.
 
Despite decades of research attempting to add additional genders, scientists have finally admitted there are still only two genders plus a growing list of 767 mental disorders.
Despite decades of research attempting to add additional genders, scientists have finally admitted there are still only two genders plus a growing list of 767 mental disorders.
 
It's a lot of responsibility to be the patriarch of your household. Leading your family through a woke world that wants to cause them spiritual harm is a stressful job. Also, sometimes your wife doesn't make that sandwich you ask for. Life is hard!
It's a lot of responsibility to be the patriarch of your household. Leading your family through a woke world that wants to cause them spiritual harm is a stressful job. Also, sometimes your wife doesn't make that sandwich you ask for. Life is hard!
 
California Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted Tuesday morning shopping for ivermectin at Sutter's Stallion Emporium in downtown Sacramento, leading to rampant speculation that he's planning to use the horse de-wormer to treat his Coronavirus infection.
California Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted Tuesday morning shopping for ivermectin at Sutter's Stallion Emporium in downtown Sacramento, leading to rampant speculation that he's planning to use the horse de-wormer to treat his Coronavirus infection.
 
According to sources, local 36-year-old man Ryan Winkley recently decided to start running every day to improve his physical health, but oh no! After only one day he already has 7 new injuries!
According to sources, local 36-year-old man Ryan Winkley recently decided to start running every day to improve his physical health, but oh no! After only one day he already has 7 new injuries!
 
In record time, Hell’s construction crew has completed work on their new extra-hot section of Hades.
In record time, Hell’s construction crew has completed work on their new extra-hot section of Hades.
 
California governor Gavin Newsom announced he had contracted COVID-19 but, thanks to being vaccinated, quadruple-boosted, and receiving a quintuple boost—for elites only—was experiencing only mild symptoms.
California governor Gavin Newsom announced he had contracted COVID-19 but, thanks to being vaccinated, quadruple-boosted, and receiving a quintuple boost—for elites only—was experiencing only mild symptoms.
 
In interviews this week, transgender swimmer Lia Thomas posed in front of a display case filled with recently won trophies and confirmed that biological males competing against women pose no threat to women's sports.
In interviews this week, transgender swimmer Lia Thomas posed in front of a display case filled with recently won trophies and confirmed that biological males competing against women pose no threat to women's sports.
 
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has put on her angry eyebrows after hearing that her husband was arrested for drunk driving over the holiday weekend.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has put on her angry eyebrows after hearing that her husband was arrested for drunk driving over the holiday weekend.
 
Pride Month begins on June 1 and lasts until either homophobia is destroyed or the first day of July—whichever comes first.
Pride Month begins on June 1 and lasts until either homophobia is destroyed or the first day of July—whichever comes first.
 
Local man Mike Campbell received his honey-do list over breakfast, and within moments calculated that his wife had doled out four podcasts' worth of chores.
Local man Mike Campbell received his honey-do list over breakfast, and within moments calculated that his wife had doled out four podcasts' worth of chores.
 
On the way home from his family's long-anticipated trip to Disney World, toddler David Hayes informed his father that the Magic Kingdom had come up just short of a trip through the car wash.
On the way home from his family's long-anticipated trip to Disney World, toddler David Hayes informed his father that the Magic Kingdom had come up just short of a trip through the car wash.
 
On May 30, the nation held its collective breath to see what savings the Biden administration’s policies had yielded for their Memorial Day BBQ plans.
On May 30, the nation held its collective breath to see what savings the Biden administration’s policies had yielded for their Memorial Day BBQ plans.
 
After statements made by the leader of the White House, the White House has been forced to clarify that statements by the leader of the White House don't necessarily represent the views of the White House.
After statements made by the leader of the White House, the White House has been forced to clarify that statements by the leader of the White House don't necessarily represent the views of the White House.
 
Nautical archaeologists have at last discovered the exact location of where the Israelites crossed the Red Sea, having found a rock reading "Moses Wuz Here".
Nautical archaeologists have at last discovered the exact location of where the Israelites crossed the Red Sea, having found a rock reading "Moses Wuz Here".
 
Democrats have unveiled an official proposal to replace Memorial Day, which they are calling "a problematic holiday honoring white supremacist soldiers who died for the racist country of America," with a more inclusive day: Misgenderorial Day
Democrats have unveiled an official proposal to replace Memorial Day, which they are calling "a problematic holiday honoring white supremacist soldiers who died for the racist country of America," with a more inclusive day: Misgenderorial Day
 
George Lucas has put up his own billboards in response to the Disney billboards promoting their latest Star Wars shows. The famed director and creator of Star Wars appeared to be mocking the very company he sold Star Wars to for their lackluster efforts to make passable content.
George Lucas has put up his own billboards in response to the Disney billboards promoting their latest Star Wars shows. The famed director and creator of Star Wars appeared to be mocking the very company he sold Star Wars to for their lackluster efforts to make passable content.
 
Parents across the nation have begun disguising their kids' elementary schools as the Capitol Building in D.C. so the government will approve funding to keep them secure.
Parents across the nation have begun disguising their kids' elementary schools as the Capitol Building in D.C. so the government will approve funding to keep them secure.
 
With nothing to do during basketball playoffs, LeBron James turned on a hockey game and was shocked to see players somehow getting back to their feet after being knocked over.
With nothing to do during basketball playoffs, LeBron James turned on a hockey game and was shocked to see players somehow getting back to their feet after being knocked over.
 
A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.
A senile old man in Washington who has a deadly nuclear arsenal at his fingertips is calling for dangerous weapons to be taken out of the hands of the mentally unstable.
 
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