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Babylon Bee's Entries

A small thrift shop in downtown Claremont has rebranded itself as "vintage" to increase prices by up to 800%.
A small thrift shop in downtown Claremont has rebranded itself as "vintage" to increase prices by up to 800%.
 
Notable LGBTQ+ organization G.O.L.D. unveiled an updated Pride Flag just in time for Pride Month in June.
Notable LGBTQ+ organization G.O.L.D. unveiled an updated Pride Flag just in time for Pride Month in June.
 
The results of a CNN poll revealed that 52% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the nation's Democratic Republic in favor of a monarchy ruled by an Ultra MAGA King.
The results of a CNN poll revealed that 52% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the nation's Democratic Republic in favor of a monarchy ruled by an Ultra MAGA King.
 
Researchers at the University of Arkansas have confirmed that the more products people order from conservative podcasts, the more likely they are to make it through the apocalypse.
Researchers at the University of Arkansas have confirmed that the more products people order from conservative podcasts, the more likely they are to make it through the apocalypse.
 
After Tweeting today that he is leaving the Democrat Party and will be voting Republican in coming elections, many had questions regarding whether or not the Tesla line would be affected.
After Tweeting today that he is leaving the Democrat Party and will be voting Republican in coming elections, many had questions regarding whether or not the Tesla line would be affected.
 
Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, known for incessantly mocking Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and inviting her to debate him, has admitted to reporters that he now feels lost and aimless following the announcement that AOC is now engaged to her longtime boyfriend.
Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, known for incessantly mocking Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and inviting her to debate him, has admitted to reporters that he now feels lost and aimless following the announcement that AOC is now engaged to her longtime boyfriend.
 
Readers of the Bee, As most of you know by now, we've been locked out of Twitter for the past couple of months because we allegedly violated their "hateful conduct" policy with this joke.
Readers of the Bee, As most of you know by now, we've been locked out of Twitter for the past couple of months because we allegedly violated their "hateful conduct" policy with this joke.
 
According to sources on the International Space Station, a sudden message appeared to astronauts stationed aboard the satellite as it passed over Texas recently.
According to sources on the International Space Station, a sudden message appeared to astronauts stationed aboard the satellite as it passed over Texas recently.
 
After the spectre of another pandemic was raised by shocking reports of a new monkeypox strain, Pfizer announced they coincidentally finished their monkeypox vaccine yesterday.
After the spectre of another pandemic was raised by shocking reports of a new monkeypox strain, Pfizer announced they coincidentally finished their monkeypox vaccine yesterday.
 
After years of hunting and gathering, local tribal chief "Krug" is starting to sense that the constant quest to find food is really messing up his work-life balance.
After years of hunting and gathering, local tribal chief "Krug" is starting to sense that the constant quest to find food is really messing up his work-life balance.
 
Conservative voters turned out in droves for the Republican primaries, eager to select the next candidate who will betray his supporters and completely reverse all his positions once sworn into office.
Conservative voters turned out in droves for the Republican primaries, eager to select the next candidate who will betray his supporters and completely reverse all his positions once sworn into office.
 
A recent study has audited Joe Biden's Twitter followers to determine whether or not they are in fact real followers. The results have left the world stunned as everyone discovered half of his followers are somehow real people.
A recent study has audited Joe Biden's Twitter followers to determine whether or not they are in fact real followers. The results have left the world stunned as everyone discovered half of his followers are somehow real people.
 
In a touching moment of clarity this week, personnel from the Department of Homeland Security Disinformation Governance Board realized that the true disinformation they've been looking for was inside them all along.
In a touching moment of clarity this week, personnel from the Department of Homeland Security Disinformation Governance Board realized that the true disinformation they've been looking for was inside them all along.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first big win since the inauguration in 2021, the Biden Administration announced that the Disinformation Governance Board has narrowly outlasted failed subscription program CNN+.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first big win since the inauguration in 2021, the Biden Administration announced that the Disinformation Governance Board has narrowly outlasted failed subscription program CNN+.
 
The Bible is God's grand message to mankind. It leads us to Christ and and gives us everything we need to be complete, equipped for every good work.
The Bible is God's grand message to mankind. It leads us to Christ and and gives us everything we need to be complete, equipped for every good work.
 
Updating the press on the baby formula shortage that's affecting millions of American families, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre (black, gay, immigrant) stated that all blame for the shortage rested squarely on the curly locks of the giant baby from Honey, I Blew Up The Kid.
Updating the press on the baby formula shortage that's affecting millions of American families, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre (black, gay, immigrant) stated that all blame for the shortage rested squarely on the curly locks of the giant baby from Honey, I Blew Up The Kid.
 
As the baby formula crisis continues to grow, more families have opted for an alternative formula source and have started taking whey protein instead. The babies will still get everything they need for healthy development, as well as 50grams of protein per bottle.
As the baby formula crisis continues to grow, more families have opted for an alternative formula source and have started taking whey protein instead. The babies will still get everything they need for healthy development, as well as 50grams of protein per bottle.
 
The White House press pool grew frustrated today as new Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre responded to every question they asked with "I'm a gay, black immigrant."
The White House press pool grew frustrated today as new Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre responded to every question they asked with "I'm a gay, black immigrant."
 
In what many are calling a long-overdue act of democracy, justice, and equity, Sports Illustrated has honored Stacey Abrams as this year’s Swimsuit Edition cover model.
In what many are calling a long-overdue act of democracy, justice, and equity, Sports Illustrated has honored Stacey Abrams as this year’s Swimsuit Edition cover model.
 
In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, he mentions a super annoying "thorn in the flesh" that burdened him.
In Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, he mentions a super annoying "thorn in the flesh" that burdened him.
 
According to sources, local feminist business executive Sarah McAndrews prefers to unwind after a hard day at work by sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream while fantasizing about being a happily married stay-at-home mom.
According to sources, local feminist business executive Sarah McAndrews prefers to unwind after a hard day at work by sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream while fantasizing about being a happily married stay-at-home mom.
 
Paper straws in the Golden City will now come with a 15-second self-destruct timer to help customers understand how close they are to having their straw dissolve into a pile of useless goo.
Paper straws in the Golden City will now come with a 15-second self-destruct timer to help customers understand how close they are to having their straw dissolve into a pile of useless goo.
 
A disturbing report from the DOJ has revealed that up to 50,000 wives go missing each year in Cracker Barrel's country store, never to be seen again. This phenomenon has been occurring for decades but is only just now coming to light.
A disturbing report from the DOJ has revealed that up to 50,000 wives go missing each year in Cracker Barrel's country store, never to be seen again. This phenomenon has been occurring for decades but is only just now coming to light.
 
According to sources, local family man Donald Playfield decided to start packing his things just 12 minutes before leaving on a two-week vacation to Yucatán, Mexico.
According to sources, local family man Donald Playfield decided to start packing his things just 12 minutes before leaving on a two-week vacation to Yucatán, Mexico.
 
Following the failed vote on pro-abortion legislation proposed by Democrats, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has issued a statement that democracy has failed and that our nation may never recover.
Following the failed vote on pro-abortion legislation proposed by Democrats, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has issued a statement that democracy has failed and that our nation may never recover.
 
The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far.
The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far.
 
The US dollar is losing value as a result of burgeoning Biden-flation. Before we all end up homeless, let's take some time to reflect on some things that are more valuable than the money in your bank account. Maybe you can barter for some of these killer items before it's too late!
The US dollar is losing value as a result of burgeoning Biden-flation. Before we all end up homeless, let's take some time to reflect on some things that are more valuable than the money in your bank account. Maybe you can barter for some of these killer items before it's too late!
 
At a donor event this week, President Biden tried his hand at focus group-tested insults, calling Trump the "Great MAGA King" to mixed reviews.
At a donor event this week, President Biden tried his hand at focus group-tested insults, calling Trump the "Great MAGA King" to mixed reviews.
 
Authorities discovered an incapacitated father Thursday night while following up on reports of a possible domestic disturbance.
Authorities discovered an incapacitated father Thursday night while following up on reports of a possible domestic disturbance.
 
After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency.
After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency.
 
Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!
Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!
 
As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.
As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.
 
Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone.
Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone.
 
Harry Splugwarp, a deacon at Straight & Narrow Church, began searching the scriptures fervently for Jesus' teaching about funding Lockheed Martin following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's comments that funding a war in a foreign land was tantamount to feeding someone who was hungry.
Harry Splugwarp, a deacon at Straight & Narrow Church, began searching the scriptures fervently for Jesus' teaching about funding Lockheed Martin following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's comments that funding a war in a foreign land was tantamount to feeding someone who was hungry.
 
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