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Is your wife a fan of HGTV's hit show Fixer Upper? Does she love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines tackle their next home renovation?
Published: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022 @ 7:21 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Roy Wayland has been caught off guard once again by a crippling migraine that came out of nowhere.
Published: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022 @ 1:53 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A lifeguard at the San Fernando Community Pool reportedly refused to jump in and save a drowning child who was fighting for his life in 6 feet of water because it would constitute risking his life.
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 11:22 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local mom Rachel Pilkington gathered her family around an ominious velvet curtain Thursday morning before dramatically pulling it away to unveil a totally doable summer activity schedule carefully laid out on a large bulletin board.
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 10:55 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd.
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 5:27 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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From his coastal estate that will probably be underwater in ten years, former President Barack Obama issued a statement today encouraging Americans to honor Memorial Day by remembering the sacrifice of George Floyd.
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 5:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Summer is heeeeeeere! Oh wait, you're an adult and have kids. Now you have to figure out what to do with them before you are driven to the edge of madness. What a drag!
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 8:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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U.S.—People across the nation are showing new signs of unity as they come together in the wake of horrible tragedy to engage in the traditional ritual of arguing and hating each other.
Published: Wednesday, June 1st, 2022 @ 8:26 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources close to local man Clay Cole, his local classic rock station played a song by Creed this morning, despite the 35-year-old man's recollection that Creed was popular "just, like, a few years ago."
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 6:40 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A groundbreaking new study from researchers at Harvey Mudd College has uncovered a definitive link between small children and dehydration: bedtime.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 4:37 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Gubernatorial hopeful Brian Kemp defeated Sen David Perdue and Dr. Kandiss Taylor in this week's Georgia primaries.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 4:21 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 1:58 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a show of solidarity with a vocal minority of gender activists who don't purchase their products, Fisher-Price introduced the "My First Gender Transition" playset for kids ages 2 to 9.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 11:59 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A team of elite 7th-grade scientists in Mrs. Alderson's third-period science class issued a schoolwide mandate at Mayfield Jr. High to social distance from parents to stop the deadly spread of what they are calling "Lame."
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 11:49 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With comedians increasingly under violent attack from hordes of deranged genderqueer communists wielding knives disguised as guns, Dave Chappelle has been forced to start performing his stand-up sets in a full suit of medieval armor and surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 11:35 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Chastity Cheryldyne, a local yoga instructor who lives in a guest house adjacent to her parent's mansion, woke up Tuesday morning and suddenly realized she needed all the stuff that famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo told her to throw out six months ago.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 10:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
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This Tuesday, a woman called in to “The Dave Ramsey Show” under compulsion from concerned relatives.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 7:41 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to police reports, an epileptic child suffered a seizure after gazing at the most recently updated pride flag his parents had hoisted in their yard as a show of support as well as mob deterrent.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 7:26 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After being denied communion in her home city of San Francisco, House Speaker Pelosi has retaliated against the insult by introducing articles of impeachment against Pope Francis.
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 7:21 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Hey men! Did you know women expect you to know your own wedding anniversary and plan something special? Oh no! Could today be the day?
Published: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022 @ 7:09 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Enjoy eating food? Like having a healthy family? Then you'd better drop all your money into gold right now!
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 7:28 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Researchers have confirmed that a dad's bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 7:21 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A local progressive Christian confessed Monday that he was nervous about dying because he wasn't sure if St. Peter would call him by his preferred pronouns when his name is read at the final judgment.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 7:00 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 6:32 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After being denied holy communion by San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan graciously reached out to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her she is still eligible to partake of the Satanic Eucharist.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 6:26 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a shocking monologue this past weekend, comedian and political commentator Bill Maher said it's time to finally start talking about whether or not the 2020 election was rigged.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 6:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn't a big deal?
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 4:02 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 3:43 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 1:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Depending on who you ask there are many ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we'll tell you what that says about your theology.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 12:55 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local toddler Lance Wigglestein has completely lost faith in the existence of all-powerful, all-loving parents after they callously took away the really fun knife he was playing with.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 12:50 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Talk about a 4D space chess move: Elon Musk has just announced he is returning to the Democratic Party just days after he moved over to the Republican Party.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 12:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Ladies, if you really want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, you need to be a hard worker, clean the house, take care of the kids, and make lots of sandwiches.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 7:45 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The moment has finally arrived.
Published: Monday, May 30th, 2022 @ 7:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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