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Is your wife a fan of HGTV's hit show Fixer Upper? Does she love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines tackle their next home renovation?
Is your wife a fan of HGTV's hit show Fixer Upper? Does she love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines tackle their next home renovation?
 
Local man Roy Wayland has been caught off guard once again by a crippling migraine that came out of nowhere.
Local man Roy Wayland has been caught off guard once again by a crippling migraine that came out of nowhere.
 
A lifeguard at the San Fernando Community Pool reportedly refused to jump in and save a drowning child who was fighting for his life in 6 feet of water because it would constitute risking his life.
A lifeguard at the San Fernando Community Pool reportedly refused to jump in and save a drowning child who was fighting for his life in 6 feet of water because it would constitute risking his life.
 
Local mom Rachel Pilkington gathered her family around an ominious velvet curtain Thursday morning before dramatically pulling it away to unveil a totally doable summer activity schedule carefully laid out on a large bulletin board.
Local mom Rachel Pilkington gathered her family around an ominious velvet curtain Thursday morning before dramatically pulling it away to unveil a totally doable summer activity schedule carefully laid out on a large bulletin board.
 
As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd.
As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd.
 
From his coastal estate that will probably be underwater in ten years, former President Barack Obama issued a statement today encouraging Americans to honor Memorial Day by remembering the sacrifice of George Floyd.
From his coastal estate that will probably be underwater in ten years, former President Barack Obama issued a statement today encouraging Americans to honor Memorial Day by remembering the sacrifice of George Floyd.
 
Summer is heeeeeeere! Oh wait, you're an adult and have kids. Now you have to figure out what to do with them before you are driven to the edge of madness. What a drag!
Summer is heeeeeeere! Oh wait, you're an adult and have kids. Now you have to figure out what to do with them before you are driven to the edge of madness. What a drag!
 
U.S.—People across the nation are showing new signs of unity as they come together in the wake of horrible tragedy to engage in the traditional ritual of arguing and hating each other.
U.S.—People across the nation are showing new signs of unity as they come together in the wake of horrible tragedy to engage in the traditional ritual of arguing and hating each other.
 
According to sources close to local man Clay Cole, his local classic rock station played a song by Creed this morning, despite the 35-year-old man's recollection that Creed was popular "just, like, a few years ago."
According to sources close to local man Clay Cole, his local classic rock station played a song by Creed this morning, despite the 35-year-old man's recollection that Creed was popular "just, like, a few years ago."
 
A groundbreaking new study from researchers at Harvey Mudd College has uncovered a definitive link between small children and dehydration: bedtime.
A groundbreaking new study from researchers at Harvey Mudd College has uncovered a definitive link between small children and dehydration: bedtime.
 
Gubernatorial hopeful Brian Kemp defeated Sen David Perdue and Dr. Kandiss Taylor in this week's Georgia primaries.
Gubernatorial hopeful Brian Kemp defeated Sen David Perdue and Dr. Kandiss Taylor in this week's Georgia primaries.
 
Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.
Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.
 
In a show of solidarity with a vocal minority of gender activists who don't purchase their products, Fisher-Price introduced the "My First Gender Transition" playset for kids ages 2 to 9.
In a show of solidarity with a vocal minority of gender activists who don't purchase their products, Fisher-Price introduced the "My First Gender Transition" playset for kids ages 2 to 9.
 
A team of elite 7th-grade scientists in Mrs. Alderson's third-period science class issued a schoolwide mandate at Mayfield Jr. High to social distance from parents to stop the deadly spread of what they are calling "Lame."
A team of elite 7th-grade scientists in Mrs. Alderson's third-period science class issued a schoolwide mandate at Mayfield Jr. High to social distance from parents to stop the deadly spread of what they are calling "Lame."
 
With comedians increasingly under violent attack from hordes of deranged genderqueer communists wielding knives disguised as guns, Dave Chappelle has been forced to start performing his stand-up sets in a full suit of medieval armor and surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles.
With comedians increasingly under violent attack from hordes of deranged genderqueer communists wielding knives disguised as guns, Dave Chappelle has been forced to start performing his stand-up sets in a full suit of medieval armor and surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles.
 
Chastity Cheryldyne, a local yoga instructor who lives in a guest house adjacent to her parent's mansion, woke up Tuesday morning and suddenly realized she needed all the stuff that famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo told her to throw out six months ago.
Chastity Cheryldyne, a local yoga instructor who lives in a guest house adjacent to her parent's mansion, woke up Tuesday morning and suddenly realized she needed all the stuff that famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo told her to throw out six months ago.
 
This Tuesday, a woman called in to “The Dave Ramsey Show” under compulsion from concerned relatives.
This Tuesday, a woman called in to “The Dave Ramsey Show” under compulsion from concerned relatives.
 
According to police reports, an epileptic child suffered a seizure after gazing at the most recently updated pride flag his parents had hoisted in their yard as a show of support as well as mob deterrent.
According to police reports, an epileptic child suffered a seizure after gazing at the most recently updated pride flag his parents had hoisted in their yard as a show of support as well as mob deterrent.
 
After being denied communion in her home city of San Francisco, House Speaker Pelosi has retaliated against the insult by introducing articles of impeachment against Pope Francis.
After being denied communion in her home city of San Francisco, House Speaker Pelosi has retaliated against the insult by introducing articles of impeachment against Pope Francis.
 
Hey men! Did you know women expect you to know your own wedding anniversary and plan something special? Oh no! Could today be the day?
Hey men! Did you know women expect you to know your own wedding anniversary and plan something special? Oh no! Could today be the day?
 
Enjoy eating food? Like having a healthy family? Then you'd better drop all your money into gold right now!
Enjoy eating food? Like having a healthy family? Then you'd better drop all your money into gold right now!
 
Researchers have confirmed that a dad's bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum.
Researchers have confirmed that a dad's bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum.
 
A local progressive Christian confessed Monday that he was nervous about dying because he wasn't sure if St. Peter would call him by his preferred pronouns when his name is read at the final judgment.
A local progressive Christian confessed Monday that he was nervous about dying because he wasn't sure if St. Peter would call him by his preferred pronouns when his name is read at the final judgment.
 
A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.
A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.
 
After being denied holy communion by San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan graciously reached out to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her she is still eligible to partake of the Satanic Eucharist.
After being denied holy communion by San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan graciously reached out to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her she is still eligible to partake of the Satanic Eucharist.
 
In a shocking monologue this past weekend, comedian and political commentator Bill Maher said it's time to finally start talking about whether or not the 2020 election was rigged.
In a shocking monologue this past weekend, comedian and political commentator Bill Maher said it's time to finally start talking about whether or not the 2020 election was rigged.
 
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn't a big deal?
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn't a big deal?
 
NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks.
NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks.
 
After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.
After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.
 
Depending on who you ask there are many ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we'll tell you what that says about your theology.
Depending on who you ask there are many ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we'll tell you what that says about your theology.
 
Local toddler Lance Wigglestein has completely lost faith in the existence of all-powerful, all-loving parents after they callously took away the really fun knife he was playing with.
Local toddler Lance Wigglestein has completely lost faith in the existence of all-powerful, all-loving parents after they callously took away the really fun knife he was playing with.
 
Talk about a 4D space chess move: Elon Musk has just announced he is returning to the Democratic Party just days after he moved over to the Republican Party.
Talk about a 4D space chess move: Elon Musk has just announced he is returning to the Democratic Party just days after he moved over to the Republican Party.
 
Ladies, if you really want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, you need to be a hard worker, clean the house, take care of the kids, and make lots of sandwiches.
Ladies, if you really want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, you need to be a hard worker, clean the house, take care of the kids, and make lots of sandwiches.
 
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