Pennsylvania Results Extremely Slow As Fetterman Is Counting The Ballots Himself | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    PENNSYLVANIA     Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. "1... 2... 3..." he began, poll watchers claim, stating that Fetterman had managed to count three full ballots in just under seventeen minutes. At one point, between ballot numbers thirty-seven and thirty-eight, Fetterman even stared off into space for several hours, before signaling with Morse Code eye-blinks that he had lost count and needed to start over. "This could take a while," said one poll volunteer. At publishing time, Dr. Oz said he had this "one weird trick" to cure the state's election counting woes, but you'd have to click through to his website to find out what it was.