Tied England-U.S. Match To Be Decided By Whichever Country Last Beat The Other In A War | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    QATAR     The United States' soccer match against England ended in a tie, handing the U.S. team victory as the country which last beat the other in a war wins the tiebreaker.

    "We don't decide the rules, we just win the wars," said U.S. coach Gregg Berhalter in the post-match press conference. "Last I checked, we drive on the right side of the road and call cookies by their God-given name. Chalk one up for Team U.S.A."

    The highly anticipated match saw a supposedly dominant world power in England get shown up by a bunch of American football players who only took up soccer to stay in shape during the offseason. "Soccer is probably my seventh best sport, right after ping-pong," said America's star midfielder Cristian Pulisic. "It's pretty sad to see these English guys devote their whole lives to the sport, just for us to come out and embarrass them. But hey, that's a pretty good summary of America's entire relationship with England."

    After ninety scoreless minutes during which nothing apparently happened, the U.S. was declared the winner by virtue of Lord Cornwallis' surrender at Yorktown. "We hold a pretty solid tiebreaker against almost every country on earth," said Coach Berhalter. "Bring on Germany, Japan, Spain. We just have to hope the Taliban never gets a decent soccer team together."

    At publishing time, FIFA had announced that America's victory will also force all British citizens to call the sport "soccer" until the next time the two teams face off.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Cynicsim Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics 10 Ways To Make Soccer Watchable


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

On Thursday, a three-judge panel of the Colorado Court of Appeals ruled against Masterpiece Cakeshop baker Jack Phillips, arguing he violated the Colorado Anti-Discrimination Act by refusing to bake a cake for a gender transition celebration.
Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week.
Prince Andrew will allegedly no longer have access to an apartment and offices at Buckingham Palace per orders of King Charles III.
Multiple Republican state attorneys general filed suit against the Labor Department over a measure that would nix a previous ban on environmental, social, and corporate governance investments, also known as ESG, among fiduciaries managing retirement funds.
After increasing for four consecutive months, North Carolina’s unemployment rate plateaued in December at 3.9%, according to the latest release from the North Carolina Department of Commerce.
In a recent breakthrough, scientists have created a robot that can transition back and forth between solid and liquid states, allowing it to navigate through numerous obstacles and environments.
North Carolina Attorney General Josh Stein officially kicked off the state’s 2024 race for governor Wednesday morning throwing his hat in the ring by tweeting out a video that takes aim squarely at N.C.’s current lieutenant governor, and possible opponent, Mark Robinson.
Hunter Biden incorrectly claimed to pay roughly $50,000 a month in rent on a 2018 form that surfaced amid controversy of classified documents found stored in President Joe Biden’s home in Wilmington, Delaware, revealed this month.
Time to contact our legislators and tell them to oppose this hit on the taxpayers

HbAD1

Fox News foreign correspondent Benjamin Hall revealed what saved his life in his first on-air interview since a bomb blast outside of Kyiv, Ukraine, killed two of his colleagues and nearly claimed his life as well.
The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration's concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
Madison Square Garden Entertainment is using facial recognition technology to prevent attorneys from law firms representing clients suing the company from entering iconic venues in New York City.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis appeared during an interview on Thursday to back attorney Harmeet Dhillon in her bid to become the new chair of the Republican National Committee.
A video from N.C. Attorney General Josh Stein Wednesday morning confirms his plan to run for governor in 2024.
A freshman House Republican is starting out the new session of Congress with a bang.
News outlets are reporting that the total number of registered electric vehicles in North Carolina has topped 50,000.

HbAD2

Massive ballot problems in Harris County reported by local TV station
On Tuesday, the Department of Justice announced charges for two people over the vandalization of pregnancy centers in Florida.
Senior Pastor Andy Stanley was sidetracked while delivering a sermon Sunday morning at North Point Community Church when the Bible began disagreeing with one of his points.
Snow, winter, sounds about right
Americans are still feeling the pinch at the grocery store even with inflation slightly decreasing, and prices will likely still be high in 2023.
Netflix announced they have acquired the rights to tell the tragic story of Tyre Nichols' death at the hands of 5 black police officers. Leadership at the streaming giant confirmed the police officers will be portrayed by white actors.
Tesla reported record financial performance that exceeded expectations despite concern over the recent purchase of Twitter by Elon Musk, the electric automaker’s chief executive.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top