Republican Primary Debates To Be Held On School Playground, Moderated By Mob Of Jeering 3rd-Graders | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    JOHN ADAMS ELEMENTARY     In the lead-up to the 2024 Presidential Election, the Republican National Committee has announced all primary debates will be held on school playgrounds and will be moderated by mobs of jeering 3rd graders.

    "An elementary school playground is the ideal venue for debate," said third-grade moderator Aiden Meanie while scanning the Twitter feeds of Trump, DeSantis, and other candidates. "These politicians will relish being in an environment befitting of their rhetoric."

    As the first debate nears, the moderators have released a list of rules to assure the debate maintains the dignity and respect of a school playground:

  • All questions will end with "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
  • If you say something at the same time as the other candidate you have to say "jinx, you owe me a coke."
  • No biting unless the candidate really wants to.
  • Crying is for wusses who will be sent to the wussie swing.
  • Nikki Haley is probably a snitch and won't be allowed to debate.
  • Name-calling is super cool and required.
  • Candidates must remember they represent The United States of America.

    The Trump Campaign has already begun preparations for the initial debate and has published a video of their candidate giving practice wet willies and wedgies to his assistant, Roger Stone, who looks to be dressed up like Ron DeSantis.

    Sources inside the DeSantis campaign have confirmed their candidate is hard at work with a list of "unbeatable" Yo Momma jokes, diarrhea rhymes, and an arsenal of spit wads.

    Mike Pence, who is expected to officially announce his 2024 run very soon, has been bragging about a dirty word that he thought of but probably won't use anyway.

    Other candidates expressed dismay at being grouped as "other candidates" in articles written about them.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Elon Musk Weeds Out Remaining Woke Twitter Employees With Avocado Toast Trap Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Governor Cooper Continues Sounding the Alarm on Dangerous Republican Plans to Gut Funding for Public Education


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) took shots at multiple Democrat officials in a new episode of his podcast as he touched on current events across the U.S.
A Brunswick County charter school management organization that has been at the center of a legal controversy over the dress code at one of its schools gets high marks for student test scores, according to a new analysis.
Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) said in an interview over the weekend that he is in a relationship with a woman which come as questions have swirled over why he is not married.
New U.S. Border Patrol Chief Jason Owens said during an interview that aired on Sunday that the Mexican drug cartels are flooding the U.S. border with illegal immigrants in part as a distraction so they can smuggle drugs, criminals, and weapons into the U.S.
President Joe Biden faced a wave of backlash on social media after he claimed to have visited Ground Zero in New York City one day after the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.
Former President Trump is facing yet another indictment, this time for mocking U.S. Women's soccer after their embarrassing loss to Sweden over the weekend.
The Biden administration has signed off on a deal to release five Iranian prisoners and $6 billion in frozen assets in exchange for five Americans held captive in Iran.

HbAD1

WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results.
WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insisted that any allegation that his organization was close to China was an “outright lie.”
For the second year in a row, North Carolina has earned the top spot in CNBC’s annual “America’s Top States for Business” ranking. Gov. Roy Cooper wasted no time taking credit in an interview with CNBC, but as usual there’s more to the story.
The White House appeared to blow off criticisms after President Joe Biden became the first sitting U.S. President to not make an appearance at any of the official memorial sites on September 11: Ground Zero
In an extraordinary display of efficiency and ruthlessness, the FBI's crack tactical team descended upon a sleepy suburban neighborhood after receiving reports of an active incandescent light bulb.
Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas complained on Monday of a “broken immigration system” when asked to respond to a warning from New York City Mayor Eric Adams about the migrant crisis.

HbAD2

HuffPost White House correspondent S. V. Date used the 22nd anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks to claim that former President Donald Trump was worse than “Osama bin Biden.”
After years of being totally obscured by Lizzo's shadow, her backup dancers have finally had enough.
Hundreds of gun owners took to the streets of Albuquerque over the weekend to openly carry their firearms in defiance of the state’s Democrat governor, Michelle Lujan Grisham, who unilaterally decided to suspend laws allowing open and concealed carry in the area.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis responded on Thursday to a Daily Wire report about a land developer in Texas who has created an expansive settlement north of Houston where thousands of illegal immigrants are believed to have settled, saying that he, as president, will put an end to it.
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott shared a video on social media this week showing President Joe Biden’s Border Patrol cutting razor wire that the state of Texas had placed alongside on the Rio Grande to stop illegal aliens from flooding into the country.
Mourners were joined by current and former politicians Monday for a somber ceremony marking the 22nd anniversary of the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.
Residents of the Village of Bald Head Island, a small community located off the coast of Brunswick County, are facing a substantial 21% tax hike as part of the recently approved budget by council.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top