Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

The world's dumbest man, Jeremy Dander, pulled up to a McDonald's outside of lunch hours, noticed only two cars in the drive-thru, and made the mistake of assuming the experience wouldn't take long.
The world's dumbest man, Jeremy Dander, pulled up to a McDonald's outside of lunch hours, noticed only two cars in the drive-thru, and made the mistake of assuming the experience wouldn't take long.
 
As part of a new marketing initiative, the makers of Dove soap have announced they will be replacing the brand's longtime bird silhouette logo with a more body-positive image of a manatee.
As part of a new marketing initiative, the makers of Dove soap have announced they will be replacing the brand's longtime bird silhouette logo with a more body-positive image of a manatee.
 
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.
 
Trump is courting controversy again after bragging during an interview with Megyn Kelly that he could abort a baby on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters.
Trump is courting controversy again after bragging during an interview with Megyn Kelly that he could abort a baby on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters.
 
Women scientists wrapped up a comprehensive study this week, concluding an animal's cuteness increases up to four hundred percent with each missing limb the animal incurs.
Women scientists wrapped up a comprehensive study this week, concluding an animal's cuteness increases up to four hundred percent with each missing limb the animal incurs.
 
In the world's largest pedophile bust ever, federal agents stormed the Happiest Place on Earth™ and just arrested any adult who was visiting the park solo.
In the world's largest pedophile bust ever, federal agents stormed the Happiest Place on Earth™ and just arrested any adult who was visiting the park solo.
 
Local Christian man Don Stanton has reportedly become so deep and spiritual, he's no longer edified by sermons that simply preach the Gospel.
Local Christian man Don Stanton has reportedly become so deep and spiritual, he's no longer edified by sermons that simply preach the Gospel.
 
We've all been there - surveying a scratch on the side of the car, or a missing hubcap, and wondering - who the heck drove last? Here are 9 clues that your wife was the last one behind the wheel:
We've all been there - surveying a scratch on the side of the car, or a missing hubcap, and wondering - who the heck drove last? Here are 9 clues that your wife was the last one behind the wheel:
 
Amid a looming government shutdown now only days away and Congress returning home for the weekend, the Democrats spoke to the American people and threatened to keep the government open.
Amid a looming government shutdown now only days away and Congress returning home for the weekend, the Democrats spoke to the American people and threatened to keep the government open.
 
In the most successful advancement for men's mental health in decades, therapists opened an office that is simply an MMA octagon with a sign outside saying "Therapy".
In the most successful advancement for men's mental health in decades, therapists opened an office that is simply an MMA octagon with a sign outside saying "Therapy".
 
Local man Brian Flavius is undergoing a terrifying gender identity crisis after he suddenly realized he hadn't thought about the Roman Empire in over one week, according to sources.
Local man Brian Flavius is undergoing a terrifying gender identity crisis after he suddenly realized he hadn't thought about the Roman Empire in over one week, according to sources.
 
Expecting their thirteenth child, Naethainiel and Ruthannaleeeley Shumway resumed the centuries-old Mormon tradition of picking possible baby names by scooping a handful of random letters out of a can of Alphabet SpaghettiOs™.
Expecting their thirteenth child, Naethainiel and Ruthannaleeeley Shumway resumed the centuries-old Mormon tradition of picking possible baby names by scooping a handful of random letters out of a can of Alphabet SpaghettiOs™.
 
Following news of a federal indictment on gun charges, Hunter Biden received a comforting pep talk from his father, President Joe Biden, who told him about the time his son was indicted for gun crimes.
Following news of a federal indictment on gun charges, Hunter Biden received a comforting pep talk from his father, President Joe Biden, who told him about the time his son was indicted for gun crimes.
 
Amid a House impeachment inquiry and increasing questions about bribery and extortion involving Hunter Biden, the White House reminded the press that there's not any direct evidence that Hunter Biden actually exists.
Amid a House impeachment inquiry and increasing questions about bribery and extortion involving Hunter Biden, the White House reminded the press that there's not any direct evidence that Hunter Biden actually exists.
 
The Biden family breathed a sigh of relief and launched into celebratory festivities after it was announced that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, had been indicted on charges of felony gun possession.
The Biden family breathed a sigh of relief and launched into celebratory festivities after it was announced that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, had been indicted on charges of felony gun possession.
 
Following the season-ending Achilles tendon injury suffered by star quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the New York Jets have been forced to file for a restraining order against former NFL player Colin Kaepernick to protect the team from his unwanted advances.
Following the season-ending Achilles tendon injury suffered by star quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the New York Jets have been forced to file for a restraining order against former NFL player Colin Kaepernick to protect the team from his unwanted advances.
 
NeartherRealm Studios announced that their newest installment in the popular Mortal Kombat franchise, aptly titled Mortal Kombat 1, will reveal that all fatalities are the product of man-made climate change.
NeartherRealm Studios announced that their newest installment in the popular Mortal Kombat franchise, aptly titled Mortal Kombat 1, will reveal that all fatalities are the product of man-made climate change.
 
As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day's official instructions and talking points.
As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day's official instructions and talking points.
 
Soon-to-be-wed Maddyssen Brunson was carefully reading the prenuptial agreement given to her by future husband, Teigan Hanks, when she came across a section that caused some confusion, forcing her to ask a clarifying question.
Soon-to-be-wed Maddyssen Brunson was carefully reading the prenuptial agreement given to her by future husband, Teigan Hanks, when she came across a section that caused some confusion, forcing her to ask a clarifying question.
 
It's hard to find a good movie these days, but even harder to find one that didn't plagiarize Scripture! Don't believe us? Here are eight famous films that you never knew ripped their entire plot straight from the Bible:
It's hard to find a good movie these days, but even harder to find one that didn't plagiarize Scripture! Don't believe us? Here are eight famous films that you never knew ripped their entire plot straight from the Bible:
 
Local man Seth Bridges' date with Taylor Swift got off to a rocky start as the singer began writing in her song idea notebook mere minutes into dinner.
Local man Seth Bridges' date with Taylor Swift got off to a rocky start as the singer began writing in her song idea notebook mere minutes into dinner.
 
Despite making headlines with a presentation before Mexican lawmakers, the authenticity of the purported aliens was called into question after a young child struck one of them with a wooden stick, resulting in candy spilling out.
Despite making headlines with a presentation before Mexican lawmakers, the authenticity of the purported aliens was called into question after a young child struck one of them with a wooden stick, resulting in candy spilling out.
 
The Democratic Party was left scrambling for a replacement today, as long-time faithful Senator Mitt Romney of Utah announced he would not be seeking re-election.
The Democratic Party was left scrambling for a replacement today, as long-time faithful Senator Mitt Romney of Utah announced he would not be seeking re-election.
 
Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham called yet another news conference to announce she was now suspending the First Amendment to silence the heavy criticism she has received for suspending the Second Amendment.
Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham called yet another news conference to announce she was now suspending the First Amendment to silence the heavy criticism she has received for suspending the Second Amendment.
 
Apple capped off its rollout day by announcing the first ever totally carbon-neutral Uyghur slave camp, to raucous cheers from those gathered in attendance.
Apple capped off its rollout day by announcing the first ever totally carbon-neutral Uyghur slave camp, to raucous cheers from those gathered in attendance.
 
We've all felt it — the economy is in rough shape. In times like these, it may be helpful to consider alternate forms of government and how they may benefit you and your family.
We've all felt it — the economy is in rough shape. In times like these, it may be helpful to consider alternate forms of government and how they may benefit you and your family.
 
Democrats have expressed aghastment at the GOP's new low of using impeachment to try to get around an election system that has been thoroughly and substantially rigged.
Democrats have expressed aghastment at the GOP's new low of using impeachment to try to get around an election system that has been thoroughly and substantially rigged.
 
The foundations of Christendom were rocked to their very core this week after local atheist Chaz Piddington noted that Christians eat shellfish and wear mixed fabrics.
The foundations of Christendom were rocked to their very core this week after local atheist Chaz Piddington noted that Christians eat shellfish and wear mixed fabrics.
 
In what might be a stunning possibility of a development, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy finally announced he has greenlit a probe to determine whether or not there may be, at some point, the potential to investigate
In what might be a stunning possibility of a development, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy finally announced he has greenlit a probe to determine whether or not there may be, at some point, the potential to investigate
 
In recognition of the hard-working Uyghur people enslaved in China, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced new iPhones would be etched with the name of the slave who assembled them.
In recognition of the hard-working Uyghur people enslaved in China, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced new iPhones would be etched with the name of the slave who assembled them.
 
After record-breaking low box office sales with the opening of The Marvels, Disney has announced they will be rereleasing the flop and replacing every single actor with Chris Pratt.
After record-breaking low box office sales with the opening of The Marvels, Disney has announced they will be rereleasing the flop and replacing every single actor with Chris Pratt.
 
After the devastating reports came out that star New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers had suffered what is suspected to be a season-ending injury to his Achilles tendon, experts immediately expressed belief that the injury was a result of Rodgers being unvaccinated.
After the devastating reports came out that star New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers had suffered what is suspected to be a season-ending injury to his Achilles tendon, experts immediately expressed belief that the injury was a result of Rodgers being unvaccinated.
 
Honest, hard-working small business owners across the country have shuttered their adult bookstores, citing the inability to compete with the vast network of school libraries offering an array of X-rated adult material to an entire generation of kids.
Honest, hard-working small business owners across the country have shuttered their adult bookstores, citing the inability to compete with the vast network of school libraries offering an array of X-rated adult material to an entire generation of kids.
 
California parents were thrown for a loop today after news broke of a new state law that says if a child identifies as Optimus Prime, they will be required to install tires on him and send him running down the 405 freeway.
California parents were thrown for a loop today after news broke of a new state law that says if a child identifies as Optimus Prime, they will be required to install tires on him and send him running down the 405 freeway.
 
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