Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

Sources are reporting that local man Verp Winston, who was mocked by friends for raising chickens in his backyard, is having the last laugh as egg prices have skyrocketed across the country.
Sources are reporting that local man Verp Winston, who was mocked by friends for raising chickens in his backyard, is having the last laugh as egg prices have skyrocketed across the country.
 
Former Vice President Mike Pence repented publicly at his church on Sunday after sources revealed he had eaten several "all-female" M&M's candies from the new all-female bags without his wife present.
Former Vice President Mike Pence repented publicly at his church on Sunday after sources revealed he had eaten several "all-female" M&M's candies from the new all-female bags without his wife present.
 
A newly released study has revealed that overall malarkey levels across the country have risen 376% since Biden took office, calling into question his Presidential campaign slogan that promised "No Malarkey."
A newly released study has revealed that overall malarkey levels across the country have risen 376% since Biden took office, calling into question his Presidential campaign slogan that promised "No Malarkey."
 
Radical conspiracy theorist Tom Donaldson is under fire once again for spreading the harmful idea that most mental health problems can be solved with exercise, fresh air, and spending time with family.
Radical conspiracy theorist Tom Donaldson is under fire once again for spreading the harmful idea that most mental health problems can be solved with exercise, fresh air, and spending time with family.
 
In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state's remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be "the state of freedom,"
In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state's remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be "the state of freedom,"
 
A dispute regarding the nature of vaccination has arisen among faithful followers of The Science, and of Fauci its prophet.
A dispute regarding the nature of vaccination has arisen among faithful followers of The Science, and of Fauci its prophet.
 
Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure.
Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure.
 
Children are a blessing from the Lord! But are you ready for the responsibilities and trials of parenthood?
Children are a blessing from the Lord! But are you ready for the responsibilities and trials of parenthood?
 
Fear gripped the city today as a maniacal villain once again put innocent dozens of citizens' lives at risk as the Joker (who is reportedly pregnant) and his gang of homicidal clowns held the First National Bank of Gotham City hostage until his unusual demands were met.
Fear gripped the city today as a maniacal villain once again put innocent dozens of citizens' lives at risk as the Joker (who is reportedly pregnant) and his gang of homicidal clowns held the First National Bank of Gotham City hostage until his unusual demands were met.
 
Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation's southern border is every bit as secure as America's elections.
Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation's southern border is every bit as secure as America's elections.
 
Famed tycoon Scrooge McDuck has been long known for ostentatious displays of his hoarded wealth, including diving into a pool of gold coins.
Famed tycoon Scrooge McDuck has been long known for ostentatious displays of his hoarded wealth, including diving into a pool of gold coins.
 
An exhausted local couple has entered their fifteenth round of voting, the results of which will determine where they go for dinner. Kevin Ryan, 32, has reportedly been vying for a meal at Galactic Fried Chicken, and his wife Nancy, 34, has voted for a different restaurant every round
An exhausted local couple has entered their fifteenth round of voting, the results of which will determine where they go for dinner. Kevin Ryan, 32, has reportedly been vying for a meal at Galactic Fried Chicken, and his wife Nancy, 34, has voted for a different restaurant every round
 
Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom's hand towels to dry his hands.
Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom's hand towels to dry his hands.
 
Local woman Amber Rhodes suddenly snapped out of a deep, seven-month coma today, at the exact moment her husband booted up his PlayStation.
Local woman Amber Rhodes suddenly snapped out of a deep, seven-month coma today, at the exact moment her husband booted up his PlayStation.
 
Across the nation, Americans are coming to terms with the catastrophic news that Congress has resumed functioning.
Across the nation, Americans are coming to terms with the catastrophic news that Congress has resumed functioning.
 
Local coal miner Don Billings has expressed deep sympathy for Congressmen having to work such long hours lately.
Local coal miner Don Billings has expressed deep sympathy for Congressmen having to work such long hours lately.
 
Having gotten into a game of hide-and-seek with the omniscient God of the universe, Adam and Eve reported feeling confident that the Lord would never find them in their perfect hiding spot behind a tree.
Having gotten into a game of hide-and-seek with the omniscient God of the universe, Adam and Eve reported feeling confident that the Lord would never find them in their perfect hiding spot behind a tree.
 
After fourteen frantic cancellations, Representative Kevin McCarthy called the Capitol Supermarket late Friday night to order a fifteenth "Congratulations Mr. Speaker" celebratory cake.
After fourteen frantic cancellations, Representative Kevin McCarthy called the Capitol Supermarket late Friday night to order a fifteenth "Congratulations Mr. Speaker" celebratory cake.
 
After a week of grueling votes for Speaker of the House — 15 in total — Kevin McCarthy was finally handed the people's gavel and took his rightful place as Speaker.
After a week of grueling votes for Speaker of the House — 15 in total — Kevin McCarthy was finally handed the people's gavel and took his rightful place as Speaker.
 
Scholars at Notre Dame's Department of Theology have found new evidence that the forbidden fruit described in Genesis was not actually a fruit, but a vial of deadly, highly processed seed oil.
Scholars at Notre Dame's Department of Theology have found new evidence that the forbidden fruit described in Genesis was not actually a fruit, but a vial of deadly, highly processed seed oil.
 
As voting for Presiding Officer over the House Of Representatives stretches into a 14th ballot, some analysts have begun calling for an outsider to energize the stalled process, rather than continuing with negotiations centered around Kevin McCarthy.
As voting for Presiding Officer over the House Of Representatives stretches into a 14th ballot, some analysts have begun calling for an outsider to energize the stalled process, rather than continuing with negotiations centered around Kevin McCarthy.
 
Religious persecution is ever-present in the lives of believers, and it's famously underreported because it has nothing to do with race or gender. Are you one of the few God has chosen to suffer valiantly for your faith?
Religious persecution is ever-present in the lives of believers, and it's famously underreported because it has nothing to do with race or gender. Are you one of the few God has chosen to suffer valiantly for your faith?
 
Marking an historic moment in our nation's history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.
Marking an historic moment in our nation's history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.
 
Following the horrific accident that sidelined Hawkeye, the remaining Avengers have reportedly joined forces to strike back against the villainous Snow Plow.
Following the horrific accident that sidelined Hawkeye, the remaining Avengers have reportedly joined forces to strike back against the villainous Snow Plow.
 
After several unsuccessful votes for House Speaker, Republicans have unearthed an obscure Constitutional Rule that allows the Speaker to be chosen in a Wipeout-style obstacle course.
After several unsuccessful votes for House Speaker, Republicans have unearthed an obscure Constitutional Rule that allows the Speaker to be chosen in a Wipeout-style obstacle course.
 
The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row.
The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row.
 
Motivated by worldwide economic stagnation, engineers at Lego headquarters in Billund have developed the first-ever affordable LEGO® set: a single brick that retails for a meager $9.99.
Motivated by worldwide economic stagnation, engineers at Lego headquarters in Billund have developed the first-ever affordable LEGO® set: a single brick that retails for a meager $9.99.
 
A local man breathed a sigh of relief at the gates of Heaven as he entered the hereafter today, receiving a "Well done" commendation from God Almighty for spending his life arguing with other people in the comments section of YouTube videos.
A local man breathed a sigh of relief at the gates of Heaven as he entered the hereafter today, receiving a "Well done" commendation from God Almighty for spending his life arguing with other people in the comments section of YouTube videos.
 
Facing tough questions about runaway inflation and the record-high cost of consumer goods, gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reminded everyone that everything has always been more expensive than usual.
Facing tough questions about runaway inflation and the record-high cost of consumer goods, gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reminded everyone that everything has always been more expensive than usual.
 
Former Congressman Adam Kinzinger's new job as a Senior Political Commentator for CNN is already off to a rocky start. According to sources, anchors were forced to cut to commercials for the 12th time today to give him time to finish crying.
Former Congressman Adam Kinzinger's new job as a Senior Political Commentator for CNN is already off to a rocky start. According to sources, anchors were forced to cut to commercials for the 12th time today to give him time to finish crying.
 
The conflict among congressional Republicans took yet another surprise twist today. After what had initially started as a throwaway nomination, the nation was left stunned as the position of Speaker of the House was unexpectedly filled by Jar Jar Binks.
The conflict among congressional Republicans took yet another surprise twist today. After what had initially started as a throwaway nomination, the nation was left stunned as the position of Speaker of the House was unexpectedly filled by Jar Jar Binks.
 
Amid protracted negotiations for the speakership in the House Of Representatives, former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (CA, R) has issued a stern admonition that further delay in the process could hold up the important work of continued funds for Ukraine.
Amid protracted negotiations for the speakership in the House Of Representatives, former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (CA, R) has issued a stern admonition that further delay in the process could hold up the important work of continued funds for Ukraine.
 
Local parishioner Jacob Henderson has said he does not have time to read the Bible. However, according to sources close to the situation, Henderson listens to seven daily podcasts and has an audio Bible on his phone.
Local parishioner Jacob Henderson has said he does not have time to read the Bible. However, according to sources close to the situation, Henderson listens to seven daily podcasts and has an audio Bible on his phone.
 
This week, Ron DeSantis was inaugurated to serve another 4-year term as Florida's 46th Governor following his overwhelming reelection last November.
This week, Ron DeSantis was inaugurated to serve another 4-year term as Florida's 46th Governor following his overwhelming reelection last November.
 
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