We Asked 13 Evangelical Leaders What Their New Year's Resolutions Were, And Here's What They Said | Eastern North Carolina Now

It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:

ENCNow
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions - even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:

  • Joel Osteen: Deceive twice as many people as last year
  • John MacArthur: Finally kick root beer addiction
  • Paul Washer: An increase of 15% in the number of Christians questioning their salvation
  • Andy Stanley: Pastor the first all-gay megachurch
  • Brian McLaren: Read the Bible for the first time ever
  • John Piper: Finally complete the seashell collection
  • Doug Wilson: Make one friend
  • Rick Warren: Release The Purpose-Driven Life for Possums
  • Stephen Furtick: 24-inch biceps
  • Beth Moore: Release a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals
  • Francis Chan: Continue making everyone who loved his work think he's gone crazy
  • Kenneth Copeland: Cast horde of dragon-swine-cow demons out of the lavatory in the Gulfstream jet
  • Alistair Begg: Convert everyone to speaking in a Scottish accent
  • Phil Vischer: Call more things racist
  • Ray Comfort: Finally memorize the 10 Commandments
  • Benny Hinn: Increase profits by 400%
  • David French: Perform in a drag show

    Here's to 2024! The Babylon Bee hopes you make good on your resolutions. Some of you, at least.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Tragic: Hamas Loses Two Leaders In One Day Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics ‘I Didn’t Bow Down’: Aaron Rodgers Slams Journalists Who He Says Are Still Upset He Didn’t Take COVID Jab


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

engineer is on the ground in western NC helping install SkyLink internet service
says four years of Biden-Harris have convinced him we need Trump back
We don't recommend that you "just vote." We recommend you vote right.

HbAD1

"She’s trying to con the public like she did a good job at the border when, in fact, she has destroyed the very fabric of our Nation..."
no wonder FEMA has done such a poor job on relief from this hurricane.
Another case of "be careful what you wish for," you may just get it

HbAD2

This election comes down to what kind of government we want, capitalism or communism
Please remember them in your prayers and do what you can to help them
border czar is letting criminals into country, and not deporting them
would shut all ports on east coast and gulf coast - lead to shortages and price increases

HbAD3

Unbeknownst to Hezbollah, Israel had been secretly manufacturing the pagers that Hezbollah was buying for years.
that is why Democrats want people to vote on personalities instead of real issues
Ohio Republican said the rhetoric coming from the political Left is "out of control."
Addressing tomorrow (Wednesday September 25) at 3:30 pm at 208 North Market Street, ground floor.

HbAD4

 
Back to Top