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Babylon Bee's Entries

At a press conference this week, angelic Chief of Staff Gabriel Angelino confirmed that new arrivals into heaven will receive complimentary cheddar bay biscuits, Red-Lobster style, before continuing in to receive their full reward.
At a press conference this week, angelic Chief of Staff Gabriel Angelino confirmed that new arrivals into heaven will receive complimentary cheddar bay biscuits, Red-Lobster style, before continuing in to receive their full reward.
 
Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won't be able to censor anyone.
Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won't be able to censor anyone.
 
According to international reports, Ukrainian president Zelensky is insulted by the Biden Administration's meager offering of only $33 billion in deadly weaponry, which is less than half of the $86 billion Biden left for the Taliban in Afghanistan.
According to international reports, Ukrainian president Zelensky is insulted by the Biden Administration's meager offering of only $33 billion in deadly weaponry, which is less than half of the $86 billion Biden left for the Taliban in Afghanistan.
 
This week, Christians in China gathered in their underground churches to pray for American Christians suffering persecution at the hands of the Walt Disney Company.
This week, Christians in China gathered in their underground churches to pray for American Christians suffering persecution at the hands of the Walt Disney Company.
 
Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for COVID-19. After only two days with Kamala, however, the virus resigned from its host citing an unsustainable, harsh work environment.
Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for COVID-19. After only two days with Kamala, however, the virus resigned from its host citing an unsustainable, harsh work environment.
 
Local couple Brad and Tanya Washington have finally achieved their dream of homeownership, purchasing a dilapidated crack house for a mere $100,000 over the asking price.
Local couple Brad and Tanya Washington have finally achieved their dream of homeownership, purchasing a dilapidated crack house for a mere $100,000 over the asking price.
 
Eyewitnesses claim to have seen white smoke emerge from the roof of the carbon-neutral office building of Twitter, Inc., signaling the rare occurrence of employees burning documents in preparation for their new CEO, Elon Musk.
Eyewitnesses claim to have seen white smoke emerge from the roof of the carbon-neutral office building of Twitter, Inc., signaling the rare occurrence of employees burning documents in preparation for their new CEO, Elon Musk.
 
U.S.—According to sources, American politicians who are running a government that is over $30 trillion in debt have come forward to criticize Elon Musk for spending $44 billion on Twitter.
U.S.—According to sources, American politicians who are running a government that is over $30 trillion in debt have come forward to criticize Elon Musk for spending $44 billion on Twitter.
 
Thor's on-again, off-again love interest Dr. Jane Foster has been found worthy of mighty Mjolnir, the ancient hammer of Thor. She has been transformed into one of Earth's mightiest heroes by the hammer while the god of thunder is away on space business.
Thor's on-again, off-again love interest Dr. Jane Foster has been found worthy of mighty Mjolnir, the ancient hammer of Thor. She has been transformed into one of Earth's mightiest heroes by the hammer while the god of thunder is away on space business.
 
Twitter will be going through some changes in the coming weeks as it transitions from a thought police enforcement zone to an actual social media platform.
Twitter will be going through some changes in the coming weeks as it transitions from a thought police enforcement zone to an actual social media platform.
 
Netflix has seen the writing on the wall. With subscribers leaving in droves, they're announcing some new shows they're hoping will entice you to subscribe to their service again!
Netflix has seen the writing on the wall. With subscribers leaving in droves, they're announcing some new shows they're hoping will entice you to subscribe to their service again!
 
According to sources, local woman Laura Berretta is now burning with an overwhelming urge to be ravished by her husband as he was finally crowned Elden Lord, ruler of The Lands Between.
According to sources, local woman Laura Berretta is now burning with an overwhelming urge to be ravished by her husband as he was finally crowned Elden Lord, ruler of The Lands Between.
 
With Elon Musk reaching a deal to purchase Twitter, many on the platform believe Trump's account will soon be restored. Upon hearing the news, Trump announced that he will soon be sharing all 278,000 tweets the world missed while he was kicked off the platform.
With Elon Musk reaching a deal to purchase Twitter, many on the platform believe Trump's account will soon be restored. Upon hearing the news, Trump announced that he will soon be sharing all 278,000 tweets the world missed while he was kicked off the platform.
 
Despite the lifting of mask mandates across the United States, Democrats have chosen to continue their proud tradition of wearing white masks to show their political affiliation.
Despite the lifting of mask mandates across the United States, Democrats have chosen to continue their proud tradition of wearing white masks to show their political affiliation.
 
In a sudden and unexplained change of heart, the Democrat party is now calling for the immediate regulation of Big Tech platforms, which they say have become too powerful now.
In a sudden and unexplained change of heart, the Democrat party is now calling for the immediate regulation of Big Tech platforms, which they say have become too powerful now.
 
The Bible tells us to be on our guard against people who preach a different gospel. Let them be accursed, Paul says. Wow, that's pretty savage, Paul! Here are twelve dangerous cults to watch out for:
The Bible tells us to be on our guard against people who preach a different gospel. Let them be accursed, Paul says. Wow, that's pretty savage, Paul! Here are twelve dangerous cults to watch out for:
 
Democrats have gathered in force on the steps of the Supreme Court Building to express their collective outrage at possibly having to drive a few hours to commit murder.
Democrats have gathered in force on the steps of the Supreme Court Building to express their collective outrage at possibly having to drive a few hours to commit murder.
 
As Elon Musk inches closer to a deal to purchase Twitter, Leftists on the platform are worried the eccentric billionaire will turn the platform into a place where terrible people post bad opinions and fight with each other all the time.
As Elon Musk inches closer to a deal to purchase Twitter, Leftists on the platform are worried the eccentric billionaire will turn the platform into a place where terrible people post bad opinions and fight with each other all the time.
 
Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it.
Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it.
 
Ben Thompson has been called by the Holy Spirit to do the exact thing he wanted to do all along. In a stunning series of coincidences, Thompson found that every desire of his heart is in direct accordance with what the Holy Spirit was leading him to.
Ben Thompson has been called by the Holy Spirit to do the exact thing he wanted to do all along. In a stunning series of coincidences, Thompson found that every desire of his heart is in direct accordance with what the Holy Spirit was leading him to.
 
Elon Musk’s bid to purchase Twitter came up short after 138,000 board votes were found at 2 a.m., a company spokesman confirmed Tuesday. Musk had been in talks to purchase the company for $44 billion.
Elon Musk’s bid to purchase Twitter came up short after 138,000 board votes were found at 2 a.m., a company spokesman confirmed Tuesday. Musk had been in talks to purchase the company for $44 billion.
 
Since the 2020 election, social media platforms have instituted strict policies prohibiting anyone from questioning the integrity of an election.
Since the 2020 election, social media platforms have instituted strict policies prohibiting anyone from questioning the integrity of an election.
 
With Netflix stock taking a nosedive, the company has committed to making big changes to attract more subscribers. This initiative includes replacing Neil Degrasse Tyson with Vice President Kamala Harris as the host for COSMOS: A SpaceTime Odyssey.
With Netflix stock taking a nosedive, the company has committed to making big changes to attract more subscribers. This initiative includes replacing Neil Degrasse Tyson with Vice President Kamala Harris as the host for COSMOS: A SpaceTime Odyssey.
 
The last vestiges of COVID restrictions are being removed after a judge overruled the mask mandate for U.S. flights. As cries of joy were heard around the nation, a bloodcurdling scream was reportedly heard echoing through the halls of the NIH in Maryland.
The last vestiges of COVID restrictions are being removed after a judge overruled the mask mandate for U.S. flights. As cries of joy were heard around the nation, a bloodcurdling scream was reportedly heard echoing through the halls of the NIH in Maryland.
 
Oh no! It's Sunday morning and the worship leader told everyone to turn and greet someone standing next to them!
Oh no! It's Sunday morning and the worship leader told everyone to turn and greet someone standing next to them!
 
After investing hundreds of millions of dollars CNN finally unveiled its new satire site CNN+. Unfortunately, only 3 weeks later CNN+ has been canceled—prematurely ending what was certain to be one of the funniest sites ever made.
After investing hundreds of millions of dollars CNN finally unveiled its new satire site CNN+. Unfortunately, only 3 weeks later CNN+ has been canceled—prematurely ending what was certain to be one of the funniest sites ever made.
 
The choice to murder your own offspring for convenience is a fundamental human right. Without choice, you might as well be, like, a handmaid in The Handmaid's Tale!
The choice to murder your own offspring for convenience is a fundamental human right. Without choice, you might as well be, like, a handmaid in The Handmaid's Tale!
 
LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren't a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up with a genius plan:
LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren't a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up with a genius plan:
 
U.S.—With the recent lifting of mask mandates on airplanes, flight attendants have reported an unexpected benefit: problem customers can now be easily identified by their masks.
U.S.—With the recent lifting of mask mandates on airplanes, flight attendants have reported an unexpected benefit: problem customers can now be easily identified by their masks.
 
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Gov Ron DeSantis reportedly commanded his security detail to "Execute Order 66" while wearing a stylish black cloak Thursday morning.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Gov Ron DeSantis reportedly commanded his security detail to "Execute Order 66" while wearing a stylish black cloak Thursday morning.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that a rogue, Trump-appointed federal judge tossed out airplane mask mandates, the Biden Administration announced its plans to reimplement those mandates in a bid to hit a record-low approval rating.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that a rogue, Trump-appointed federal judge tossed out airplane mask mandates, the Biden Administration announced its plans to reimplement those mandates in a bid to hit a record-low approval rating.
 
WORLD—A new study has confirmed what scientists have long suspected: no one has ever actually enjoyed U2's music; it's just that everyone thought that everyone else did and no one wanted to be the one to speak up and make things awkward.
WORLD—A new study has confirmed what scientists have long suspected: no one has ever actually enjoyed U2's music; it's just that everyone thought that everyone else did and no one wanted to be the one to speak up and make things awkward.
 
U.S.—Unconsolable wailing was heard across the country today as the left learned that there is a chance Roe v. Wade could be overturned, which would "lead to more babies being allowed to live."
U.S.—Unconsolable wailing was heard across the country today as the left learned that there is a chance Roe v. Wade could be overturned, which would "lead to more babies being allowed to live."
 
KEY WEST, FL—According to sources, the Mayweather family has traveled thousands of miles across the country to vacation in a sunny, tropical location, only to eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel.
KEY WEST, FL—According to sources, the Mayweather family has traveled thousands of miles across the country to vacation in a sunny, tropical location, only to eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel.
 
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