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Babylon Bee's Entries

During a recent devotional time, Jesus found himself flummoxed when reading his words in the popular Bible “translation” which renders the text “thought-for-thought” rather than “word-for-word”—“The Message.”
During a recent devotional time, Jesus found himself flummoxed when reading his words in the popular Bible “translation” which renders the text “thought-for-thought” rather than “word-for-word”—“The Message.”
 
Not everyone grows up going to a church camp over the summer. For those special few who bear the honor, consider how blessed you are—you may not be aware of how it has irrevocably changed your life.
Not everyone grows up going to a church camp over the summer. For those special few who bear the honor, consider how blessed you are—you may not be aware of how it has irrevocably changed your life.
 
Local fat man Nicolas Craig has reportedly been frustrated by his inability to lose weight despite neither dieting nor exercising.
Local fat man Nicolas Craig has reportedly been frustrated by his inability to lose weight despite neither dieting nor exercising.
 
Local progressive Juniper Clouts has once again become outraged this week, this time causing her to go searching for her old signs that express her anger about the current thing.
Local progressive Juniper Clouts has once again become outraged this week, this time causing her to go searching for her old signs that express her anger about the current thing.
 
New documents confirm the COVID vaccine is only 12% effective! Oh well... they tried. And everyone had fun, didn't they?
New documents confirm the COVID vaccine is only 12% effective! Oh well... they tried. And everyone had fun, didn't they?
 
A super spy descended from the ceiling and stole the Supreme Court's majority opinion that would overturn Roe v Wade and leaked it to the press. Dozens of people across the nation are furious because this will "ruin my weekend murder plans!"
A super spy descended from the ceiling and stole the Supreme Court's majority opinion that would overturn Roe v Wade and leaked it to the press. Dozens of people across the nation are furious because this will "ruin my weekend murder plans!"
 
In a somber press release outside the burning gates of torment and suffering, the fire god Moloch warned of looming supply chain issues regarding child sacrifices.
In a somber press release outside the burning gates of torment and suffering, the fire god Moloch warned of looming supply chain issues regarding child sacrifices.
 
When Nick Samuels took his wife out for their weekly date night on Monday, he was pleased to hear that she was flexible on restaurant destinations.
When Nick Samuels took his wife out for their weekly date night on Monday, he was pleased to hear that she was flexible on restaurant destinations.
 
A CNN poll has revealed a surprisingly sizable majority of unborn babies are in favor of overturning the infamous Roe v. Wade decision. The fetuses allegedly frown upon abortions for interfering with their ability to be alive.
A CNN poll has revealed a surprisingly sizable majority of unborn babies are in favor of overturning the infamous Roe v. Wade decision. The fetuses allegedly frown upon abortions for interfering with their ability to be alive.
 
Gary Chapman, the author of the best-selling Christian romance novel The 5 Love Languages, has just announced that a 6th love language has emerged: Tacos.
Gary Chapman, the author of the best-selling Christian romance novel The 5 Love Languages, has just announced that a 6th love language has emerged: Tacos.
 
SCHENECTADY, NY—With the looming threat that the undemocratic Supreme Court may overturn Roe v. Wade and remove federal abortion protections, local abortionist Dr. Chester Redrum expressed concern that he may have to become one of those doctors that helps people.
SCHENECTADY, NY—With the looming threat that the undemocratic Supreme Court may overturn Roe v. Wade and remove federal abortion protections, local abortionist Dr. Chester Redrum expressed concern that he may have to become one of those doctors that helps people.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Eyewitnesses reported Senator Elizabeth Warren donned a buffalo hat and led a group of bloodthirsty insurrectionists up the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building Wednesday morning.
 
With news coming out that the United States Supreme Court has overturned Roe v Wade, millions of women have accepted their fate and are lining up outside the SCOTUS building to receive their complimentary Handmaid's Tale uniforms.
With news coming out that the United States Supreme Court has overturned Roe v Wade, millions of women have accepted their fate and are lining up outside the SCOTUS building to receive their complimentary Handmaid's Tale uniforms.
 
In an unprecedented and bizarre ruling, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has preemptively overturned the upcoming SCOTUS decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
In an unprecedented and bizarre ruling, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has preemptively overturned the upcoming SCOTUS decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.
 
Leaked reports indicate that Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson spent all Monday night poring over biology textbooks to learn what a woman is so she could defend a woman’s right to abortion on Tuesday.
Leaked reports indicate that Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson spent all Monday night poring over biology textbooks to learn what a woman is so she could defend a woman’s right to abortion on Tuesday.
 
In an announcement leaked to the press, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts stated the person responsible for leaking the draft of the court's Roe v. Wade decision was found to be Swedish Supreme Court Janitor Hildur Clintonheim.
In an announcement leaked to the press, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts stated the person responsible for leaking the draft of the court's Roe v. Wade decision was found to be Swedish Supreme Court Janitor Hildur Clintonheim.
 
Life comes at you fast. One day you're kicking back with the boys—playing some Super Smash Bros. (Final Destination/No Items/Fox Only)—and then out of nowhere you meet your wife and become a father!
Life comes at you fast. One day you're kicking back with the boys—playing some Super Smash Bros. (Final Destination/No Items/Fox Only)—and then out of nowhere you meet your wife and become a father!
 
In a bold new strategy, Democrats have announced brand-new policies to fix all the problems caused by their old policies.
In a bold new strategy, Democrats have announced brand-new policies to fix all the problems caused by their old policies.
 
Ever since hearing the news of President Biden creating a 'Disinformation Governance Board', George Orwell has been really kicking himself for not thinking of it first.
Ever since hearing the news of President Biden creating a 'Disinformation Governance Board', George Orwell has been really kicking himself for not thinking of it first.
 
According to sources, scientists are no closer to figuring out how 12 ounces of coffee can become 6 gallons of pee within mere hours of enjoying your morning beverage.
According to sources, scientists are no closer to figuring out how 12 ounces of coffee can become 6 gallons of pee within mere hours of enjoying your morning beverage.
 
The official DHS Disinformation Governance Board, more popularly known as the Ministry of Truth, confirmed today their latest disinformation findings: Rachel Levine is a woman.
The official DHS Disinformation Governance Board, more popularly known as the Ministry of Truth, confirmed today their latest disinformation findings: Rachel Levine is a woman.
 
In a darkened room in Washington, faithful followers of the Biden administration gathered dutifully for this morning's Two Minutes Hate.
In a darkened room in Washington, faithful followers of the Biden administration gathered dutifully for this morning's Two Minutes Hate.
 
After gathering at the steps of the Supreme Court and chanting all through the night in support of abortion, a crowd of worshippers are still having a hard time getting their pagan god Moloch to hear them.
After gathering at the steps of the Supreme Court and chanting all through the night in support of abortion, a crowd of worshippers are still having a hard time getting their pagan god Moloch to hear them.
 
Religious experts have begun voicing concerns that a local carpenter’s disinformation is spreading among Israelites most susceptible to unapproved ideas.
Religious experts have begun voicing concerns that a local carpenter’s disinformation is spreading among Israelites most susceptible to unapproved ideas.
 
The Disinformation Governance Board has wasted no time since its official formation this week, and has already deployed thousands of advanced disinformation detectors throughout the country.
The Disinformation Governance Board has wasted no time since its official formation this week, and has already deployed thousands of advanced disinformation detectors throughout the country.
 
Karine Jean-Pierre turned heads on Thursday when she was declared Jen Psaki's successor. She is the nation's first gay black woman to fill the position, but author JK Rowling has said she always imagined the White House Press Secretary that way.
Karine Jean-Pierre turned heads on Thursday when she was declared Jen Psaki's successor. She is the nation's first gay black woman to fill the position, but author JK Rowling has said she always imagined the White House Press Secretary that way.
 
A new law being passed in Congress will require Christian colleges and seminaries to refund the student loans of Christian students who failed to acquire a spouse while in attendance.
A new law being passed in Congress will require Christian colleges and seminaries to refund the student loans of Christian students who failed to acquire a spouse while in attendance.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family.
 
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was brutally murdered this week as a result of Elon Musk buying Twitter, says AOC.
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was brutally murdered this week as a result of Elon Musk buying Twitter, says AOC.
 
In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation.
In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation.
 
The Department of Homeland Security has formed the Disinformation Governance Board to bravely combat incorrect opinions on the internet.
The Department of Homeland Security has formed the Disinformation Governance Board to bravely combat incorrect opinions on the internet.
 
According to sources, local conservative Cameron Bumgard is having difficulty getting traction on Twitter, although it's currently unclear whether this is because of Leftist shadowbanning or because his tweets just suck.
According to sources, local conservative Cameron Bumgard is having difficulty getting traction on Twitter, although it's currently unclear whether this is because of Leftist shadowbanning or because his tweets just suck.
 
A Christian missionary was spotted wearing a surgical mask while bringing the gospel to unsaved Democrats in the New England area. The missionary, identified by authorities as Jonah Phillips, is a staunch anti-masker who sources say began wearing the mask so that Democrats would talk
A Christian missionary was spotted wearing a surgical mask while bringing the gospel to unsaved Democrats in the New England area. The missionary, identified by authorities as Jonah Phillips, is a staunch anti-masker who sources say began wearing the mask so that Democrats would talk
 
A new report filed by the U.S. Department of Transportation finds that each and every time a motorist gets excited about a perfect parking spot at the front of a parking lot it turns out to be a "friggin' motorcycle."
A new report filed by the U.S. Department of Transportation finds that each and every time a motorist gets excited about a perfect parking spot at the front of a parking lot it turns out to be a "friggin' motorcycle."
 
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