Are You Demon Possessed? Here Are 8 Signs | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    There are demons out there, y'all. An entire unseen world doing battle for everyone's souls, and we're just stuck here in the middle of it, eating our ramen noodles and watching reality TV. Just think, you may be possessed by a demon right now and you don't even know it!

    With a wide variety of crises like soaring gas prices, countries on the brink of starting World War 3, and Lizzo appearing in The Mandalorian, the last thing you need to be dealing with right now is demon possession. That's why The Babylon Bee has put together this useful list to help you determine if you are, in fact, possessed by a demon.

1. You're multilingual, as of yesterday: You woke up with the ability to speak Spanish, Chinese, and the Black Speech of Mordor. Concerning!
2. You are currently crawling on the ceiling: If, as you're reading this, you're crawling on the ceiling or levitating in any way, please seek help from the clergy.
3. You order pineapple on your pizza: Unspeakable acts like this are a clear sign supernatural darkness has taken hold of someone.
4. Your preferred pronouns are They/Them: For you are many.
5. You don't return your shopping cart to the corral: Only vicious, godless creatures do this.
6. You have an insatiable urge to teach gender theory to kindergartners: What other explanation could there be?
7. You think it's a good idea to surgically mutilate your genitals: Non-possessed people often prefer to keep sharp objects away from their privates.
8. You've been elected to the U.S. Congress: Not a guarantee of demon possession...but at least a 50/50 chance!

    There you have it! If one or more of the items above describe you, you're likely possessed by a demon. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!