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Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
 
Even when the criminal is guilty, the innocent often pay a high price also
 
During a recent press conference, Mayor Eric Adams announced that he will no longer tolerate migrant attacks against NYPD officers, warning that further incidents would result in a downgrade in migrant living accommodations from luxurious 5-star hotels to humble 4-star establishments.
During a recent press conference, Mayor Eric Adams announced that he will no longer tolerate migrant attacks against NYPD officers, warning that further incidents would result in a downgrade in migrant living accommodations from luxurious 5-star hotels to humble 4-star establishments.
 
In a startling new study reviewed by Congress, it was revealed that a staggering 3 million Americans lost their lives last year fishing around in the crack of their seats while driving for lost Chick-fil-A waffle fries.
In a startling new study reviewed by Congress, it was revealed that a staggering 3 million Americans lost their lives last year fishing around in the crack of their seats while driving for lost Chick-fil-A waffle fries.
 
Mrs. Betty Pillow Crompton, age 93, a resident of Washington, NC passed away Monday February 5, 2024 at her home surrounded by her family.
Mrs. Betty Pillow Crompton, age 93, a resident of Washington, NC passed away Monday February 5, 2024 at her home surrounded by her family.
 
Former White House Chief COVID Adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed during a recent interview that he no longer felt the need to attend church because his “personal ethics on life” were enough.
Former White House Chief COVID Adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed during a recent interview that he no longer felt the need to attend church because his “personal ethics on life” were enough.
 
"Slumber my Darling" is a classic /traditional melody written by American songwriter Stephen Foster, published in 1862, and now, a century and some tens of years later, is reprised by a number of outstanding musicians.
"Slumber my Darling" is a classic /traditional melody written by American songwriter Stephen Foster, published in 1862, and now, a century and some tens of years later, is reprised by a number of outstanding musicians.
 
Two ECU graduate students excavate the oldest shipwreck in the world
Two ECU graduate students excavate the oldest shipwreck in the world
 
After tragedy struck a local family last night, local dad Jordan Duckworth bore the unenviable task of notifying his children that a burglar had broken into their home and stolen all of the Reese's peanut butter cups they had received while trick-or-treating.
After tragedy struck a local family last night, local dad Jordan Duckworth bore the unenviable task of notifying his children that a burglar had broken into their home and stolen all of the Reese's peanut butter cups they had received while trick-or-treating.
 
Pillow magnate Mike Lindell is broke and millions of dollars behind on legal fees after lengthy court battles over his election fraud claims.
Pillow magnate Mike Lindell is broke and millions of dollars behind on legal fees after lengthy court battles over his election fraud claims.
 
The secrets of the cigar lounge have been kept tightly under wraps for centuries, with women left to only speculate about the pearls of wisdom, mind-opening philosophies, and inimitable truths of life that are birthed in such an intimate, masculine setting.
The secrets of the cigar lounge have been kept tightly under wraps for centuries, with women left to only speculate about the pearls of wisdom, mind-opening philosophies, and inimitable truths of life that are birthed in such an intimate, masculine setting.
 
ATLANTA, GA — Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by Fulton County for looking too stunning and handsome in his mugshot photo.
ATLANTA, GA — Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by Fulton County for looking too stunning and handsome in his mugshot photo.
 
A local mother was quick to express her gratitude to her young son after the boy helpfully made it known that he had an incredibly important school science project that was due in the next five minutes.
A local mother was quick to express her gratitude to her young son after the boy helpfully made it known that he had an incredibly important school science project that was due in the next five minutes.
 
A local man has been rushed to the hospital this morning with life-threatening injuries sustained from sleeping in a slightly different position than he normally does.
A local man has been rushed to the hospital this morning with life-threatening injuries sustained from sleeping in a slightly different position than he normally does.
 
With the list of woke corporations and companies seeking to cater to progressive social agendas continually growing, conservative-minded consumers have realized they are running out of products and services they can brand with the name "Patriot."
With the list of woke corporations and companies seeking to cater to progressive social agendas continually growing, conservative-minded consumers have realized they are running out of products and services they can brand with the name "Patriot."
 
It has been scientifically proven that it's impossible to know what women want (and we all know you can't question science). In fact, there is usually a vast discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually want.
It has been scientifically proven that it's impossible to know what women want (and we all know you can't question science). In fact, there is usually a vast discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually want.
 
Fox News raised eyebrows on Monday with a chyron blasting President Joe Biden as a “wannabe dictator” who had his political opponent arrested.
Fox News raised eyebrows on Monday with a chyron blasting President Joe Biden as a “wannabe dictator” who had his political opponent arrested.
 
Soft whimpers were heard late last night at the Governor's Mansion, as aides reported Ron DeSantis whispering in between sobs over insults lobbed his way by former President Donald Trump.
Soft whimpers were heard late last night at the Governor's Mansion, as aides reported Ron DeSantis whispering in between sobs over insults lobbed his way by former President Donald Trump.
 
Tricia Sloan, who had previously announced a hard-line boycott against Target, then called off the boycott shortly after her first attempt to shop at her local Walmart.
Tricia Sloan, who had previously announced a hard-line boycott against Target, then called off the boycott shortly after her first attempt to shop at her local Walmart.
 
Taxes collected from all the people should be spent only for the benefit of all of the people, not selected groups.
Taxes collected from all the people should be spent only for the benefit of all of the people, not selected groups.
 
Seven women filed a lawsuit against the Kappa Kappa Gamma (KKG) sorority after the organization admitted a man who identifies as transgender to the University of Wyoming (UW) chapter.
Seven women filed a lawsuit against the Kappa Kappa Gamma (KKG) sorority after the organization admitted a man who identifies as transgender to the University of Wyoming (UW) chapter.
 
Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody.
Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody.
 
When socialism arrives, you're going to want to be ready to "look at the glass as half-full" – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things!
When socialism arrives, you're going to want to be ready to "look at the glass as half-full" – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things!
 
Ronna McDaniel won her fourth term as the head of the Republican National Committee (RNC) on Friday, fending off opposition driven by disappointing results from the 2022 midterm elections.
Ronna McDaniel won her fourth term as the head of the Republican National Committee (RNC) on Friday, fending off opposition driven by disappointing results from the 2022 midterm elections.
 
Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom's hand towels to dry his hands.
Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom's hand towels to dry his hands.
 
The Republican National Committee needs new leadership to beat the Democrats at their finely tuned ballot-gathering mastery, would-be party chair Harmeet Dhillon told The Daily Wire’s Ben Shapiro.
The Republican National Committee needs new leadership to beat the Democrats at their finely tuned ballot-gathering mastery, would-be party chair Harmeet Dhillon told The Daily Wire’s Ben Shapiro.
 
Do you homeschool your kids? Ew! Where will they learn social skills? Aren't you concerned about that? Oh well--even weird homeschoolers deserve a good Christmas, so here are some gift ideas to help you out!
Do you homeschool your kids? Ew! Where will they learn social skills? Aren't you concerned about that? Oh well--even weird homeschoolers deserve a good Christmas, so here are some gift ideas to help you out!
 
Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.
Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.
 
Senator Jesse Helms was who inspired her to go into politics
Senator Jesse Helms was who inspired her to go into politics
 
Conservative attorney Harmeet Dhillon reportedly said she plans on challenging Ronna McDaniel for Chairwoman of the Republican National Committee.
Conservative attorney Harmeet Dhillon reportedly said she plans on challenging Ronna McDaniel for Chairwoman of the Republican National Committee.
 
two, possibly three conservative challengers enter the ring
 
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