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Babylon Bee's Entries

A large number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill felt embarrassed today, as Republicans from the House of Representatives all showed up to the Congressional Halloween Party dressed in the same clown costume.
A large number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill felt embarrassed today, as Republicans from the House of Representatives all showed up to the Congressional Halloween Party dressed in the same clown costume.
 
DUBLIN, OH — According to sources, local 3rd-grader Carter Browning brought a FRIGGIN' LUNCHABLE to school. Man, he's so lucky!
DUBLIN, OH — According to sources, local 3rd-grader Carter Browning brought a FRIGGIN' LUNCHABLE to school. Man, he's so lucky!
 
Capitalists and communists have been at each other's throats for years — but why? Aren't they, deep down, all just the same? To find out, we recruited a team of expert political scientists to explain the key differences between these two ideologies so we can feel smarter.
Capitalists and communists have been at each other's throats for years — but why? Aren't they, deep down, all just the same? To find out, we recruited a team of expert political scientists to explain the key differences between these two ideologies so we can feel smarter.
 
In a horrific yet tiny accident, Houston Astros second baseman José Altuve was accidentally stepped on as the Texas Rangers stormed the mound to celebrate making it to the World Series.
In a horrific yet tiny accident, Houston Astros second baseman José Altuve was accidentally stepped on as the Texas Rangers stormed the mound to celebrate making it to the World Series.
 
Billions of people across the globe instantly converted to belief in God after witnessing the utter destruction of the Houston Astros on Monday night.
Billions of people across the globe instantly converted to belief in God after witnessing the utter destruction of the Houston Astros on Monday night.
 
As everyone can clearly see, the end of the world is right around the corner. As you take inventory of your life and possessions, you may want to start thinking about what you'll need when the inevitable downfall of American civilization arrives.
As everyone can clearly see, the end of the world is right around the corner. As you take inventory of your life and possessions, you may want to start thinking about what you'll need when the inevitable downfall of American civilization arrives.
 
An unspeakable horror was averted today as a Federal Bureau of Investigation tactical team expertly rushed by an angry mob of pro-Palestinian protestors screaming "Kill the Jews" to quickly arrest an elderly woman who was quietly praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic.
An unspeakable horror was averted today as a Federal Bureau of Investigation tactical team expertly rushed by an angry mob of pro-Palestinian protestors screaming "Kill the Jews" to quickly arrest an elderly woman who was quietly praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic.
 
According to sources, a local couple has settled in for a romantic evening of sitting down next to each other and sending memes back and forth.
According to sources, a local couple has settled in for a romantic evening of sitting down next to each other and sending memes back and forth.
 
To quiet controversy surrounding statements made about Jewish students facing antisemitism on campus, UPenn President Liz Magill announced the start of a new school tradition where she will hold a ceremony to light the "Please Don't Pull That $100 Million Donation" Menorah.
To quiet controversy surrounding statements made about Jewish students facing antisemitism on campus, UPenn President Liz Magill announced the start of a new school tradition where she will hold a ceremony to light the "Please Don't Pull That $100 Million Donation" Menorah.
 
In the wake of its decision to return to a more attractive marketing presentation of its product, clothing maker Victoria's Secret has quietly canceled its planned Lizzo lingerie line.
In the wake of its decision to return to a more attractive marketing presentation of its product, clothing maker Victoria's Secret has quietly canceled its planned Lizzo lingerie line.
 
Following a closed-door meeting to discuss the issue and take an official vote, residents of the state of Texas announced their plan to continue pretending Whataburger is good.
Following a closed-door meeting to discuss the issue and take an official vote, residents of the state of Texas announced their plan to continue pretending Whataburger is good.
 
As the terrorist organization Hamas continues to hold multiple American hostages in Gaza, the White House assured the media President Biden will be gravely concerned about the situation as soon as he hears about it.
As the terrorist organization Hamas continues to hold multiple American hostages in Gaza, the White House assured the media President Biden will be gravely concerned about the situation as soon as he hears about it.
 
Excitement ran rampant following last night's Republican presidential debate, as the Ron DeSantis campaign celebrated an outstanding performance that slashed former President Donald Trump's lead in the primary to just 39 points.
Excitement ran rampant following last night's Republican presidential debate, as the Ron DeSantis campaign celebrated an outstanding performance that slashed former President Donald Trump's lead in the primary to just 39 points.
 
A study at the University of Texas has confirmed that men will buy absolutely any item on earth so long as it is labeled "tactical".
A study at the University of Texas has confirmed that men will buy absolutely any item on earth so long as it is labeled "tactical".
 
In a huge victory for the disabled, Angel Hernandez has made history as the first blind umpire to call a game in Major League Baseball.
In a huge victory for the disabled, Angel Hernandez has made history as the first blind umpire to call a game in Major League Baseball.
 
Many on social media these days are talking about the trend of "Tradwives", a totally new concept where women marry, have kids, take care of those kids, love their husbands, and engage in traditional home-making tasks.
Many on social media these days are talking about the trend of "Tradwives", a totally new concept where women marry, have kids, take care of those kids, love their husbands, and engage in traditional home-making tasks.
 
In a stunning and inspiring display of leadership, President Joe Biden spoke with leaders of the terrorist organization Hamas to politely ask if they could maybe think about releasing some of their American hostages, potentially, if it was okay with them.
In a stunning and inspiring display of leadership, President Joe Biden spoke with leaders of the terrorist organization Hamas to politely ask if they could maybe think about releasing some of their American hostages, potentially, if it was okay with them.
 
After another week of taking petty squabbling and gross incompetency to new heights, Congressional Republicans are taking the weekend to brainstorm how to possibly embarrass themselves even further.
After another week of taking petty squabbling and gross incompetency to new heights, Congressional Republicans are taking the weekend to brainstorm how to possibly embarrass themselves even further.
 
Pulses increased throughout the sports world at a baseball game Tuesday night after a rogue fan abruptly jumped out of the stands and ran out onto the field, briefly turning it into a football game.
Pulses increased throughout the sports world at a baseball game Tuesday night after a rogue fan abruptly jumped out of the stands and ran out onto the field, briefly turning it into a football game.
 
Every company wants to grow, thrive, and be successful, but only truly GREAT companies want to do it by focusing obsessively on the skin color and sexuality of their workers.
Every company wants to grow, thrive, and be successful, but only truly GREAT companies want to do it by focusing obsessively on the skin color and sexuality of their workers.
 
Daily Wire's upcoming film adaptation of Snow White will reportedly star conservative personality Ben Shapiro as all seven dwarves.
Daily Wire's upcoming film adaptation of Snow White will reportedly star conservative personality Ben Shapiro as all seven dwarves.
 
Historians studying the Colosseum in Rome may have uncovered evidence of a first-century "He Gets Us" billboard that was hung over the arena. Experts speculate it was designed to help the controversial figure Jesus appeal to a much wider audience of arena attendees.
Historians studying the Colosseum in Rome may have uncovered evidence of a first-century "He Gets Us" billboard that was hung over the arena. Experts speculate it was designed to help the controversial figure Jesus appeal to a much wider audience of arena attendees.
 
The nation rejoiced yesterday as smoke rose from the White House, indicating the elderly President has survived yet another year.
The nation rejoiced yesterday as smoke rose from the White House, indicating the elderly President has survived yet another year.
 
A local dad spent the afternoon explaining to his eldest son about the glory days when streaming services weren't just a wasteland of cliched, over-hyped nonsense content.
A local dad spent the afternoon explaining to his eldest son about the glory days when streaming services weren't just a wasteland of cliched, over-hyped nonsense content.
 
Donald Trump outsmarted his enemies once again with another brilliant 4D chess maneuver, making use of a mini-Trump ventriloquist doll to skirt a gag order imposed by U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan.
Donald Trump outsmarted his enemies once again with another brilliant 4D chess maneuver, making use of a mini-Trump ventriloquist doll to skirt a gag order imposed by U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan.
 
With the Israeli military continuing its strikes in Gaza, terrorist organization Hamas released a statement clarifying that it intended to start a war in which its members are the only ones allowed to attack and kill anyone, and the other side can't fight back in any way.
With the Israeli military continuing its strikes in Gaza, terrorist organization Hamas released a statement clarifying that it intended to start a war in which its members are the only ones allowed to attack and kill anyone, and the other side can't fight back in any way.
 
In a complex world of international intrigue and shadowy conspiracies, who is to say what is right or wrong anymore? Are you a good guy, or a bad guy? WHO KNOWS!
In a complex world of international intrigue and shadowy conspiracies, who is to say what is right or wrong anymore? Are you a good guy, or a bad guy? WHO KNOWS!
 
Former President Donald Trump challenged his political opponents to an eclipse stare-off over the weekend to prove who among them has the most superior retinal strength.
Former President Donald Trump challenged his political opponents to an eclipse stare-off over the weekend to prove who among them has the most superior retinal strength.
 
Excitement is at an all-time high as The Daily Wire gets ready to unleash its kids' streaming programming platform Bentkey on unsuspecting Americans.
Excitement is at an all-time high as The Daily Wire gets ready to unleash its kids' streaming programming platform Bentkey on unsuspecting Americans.
 
Continuing its mission to show how Taylor Swift can point people to Christ, The Gospel Coalition proudly announced the release today of Fearless: The Taylor Swift Study Bible.
Continuing its mission to show how Taylor Swift can point people to Christ, The Gospel Coalition proudly announced the release today of Fearless: The Taylor Swift Study Bible.
 
House Republicans were relieved nothing globally significant happened this week while they hashed out who will replace ousted Kevin McCarthy as the next Speaker of the House.
House Republicans were relieved nothing globally significant happened this week while they hashed out who will replace ousted Kevin McCarthy as the next Speaker of the House.
 
Members of the terrorist organization Hamas were left frustrated after hearing many leftists in the United States and throughout the world were skeptical that Hamas had brutally massacred over 1,300 Jewish civilians after Hamas had put serious effort into livestreaming the atrocities.
Members of the terrorist organization Hamas were left frustrated after hearing many leftists in the United States and throughout the world were skeptical that Hamas had brutally massacred over 1,300 Jewish civilians after Hamas had put serious effort into livestreaming the atrocities.
 
Alumni past and present gathered at the steps of Low Library on Columbia's Morningside campus in New York City to celebrate the awarding of an honorary doctorate to none other than Osama Bin Laden.
Alumni past and present gathered at the steps of Low Library on Columbia's Morningside campus in New York City to celebrate the awarding of an honorary doctorate to none other than Osama Bin Laden.
 
As the rest of the world sits on edge due to the leader of the terrorist organization Hamas calling for a global day of jihad, residents of the state of Texas seemed entirely unconcerned.
As the rest of the world sits on edge due to the leader of the terrorist organization Hamas calling for a global day of jihad, residents of the state of Texas seemed entirely unconcerned.
 
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