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New York Congressman Jamaal Bowman again found himself trying to explain away an awkward situation today, as he apparently once again pulled the Capitol fire alarm whilst attempting to flush a urinal.
Published: Wednesday, November 29th, 2023 @ 12:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A shocking NBC/WSJ poll released this month shows presidential contenders Donald Trump and Joe Biden trailing far behind a new competitor: a Kevin James meme featuring the actor looking sheepishly at the camera and shrugging.
Published: Wednesday, November 29th, 2023 @ 12:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 1:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a desperate bid to stop First Baptist Church from voting on hideous new carpet, local elder Gary McCord took matters into his own hands and pulled the church's fire alarm.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 12:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After years of being jailed with violent criminals, Buffalo Guy was kicking himself today for not simply pulling a fire alarm on January 6th to force Congress to evacuate.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 12:10 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local dad Kevin Sampson steeled his nerves as adrenaline coursed through his veins, every muscle fiber waiting to fire. Remote control at the ready, he dared any actor to even think about saying a naughty word, ready to mute the bad guy right out of existence.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 9:40 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Jonathan Barnes, unsure of the efficacy of a single button push, mashed the crosswalk button seventeen times to be certain the message got through.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 9:19 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 8:01 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border of the United States, President Joe Biden has taken decisive action and announced he is deploying U.S. military personnel to the border to stop the state of Texas from securing the border.
Published: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 @ 12:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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When asked about the viral social media topic, former Vice President Mike Pence told reporters that he refuses to think about the Roman Empire unless his wife is present.
Published: Monday, November 27th, 2023 @ 10:54 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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What began as a pleasant weekend evening in the Belnap household quickly soured due to husband Lance's relational ineptitude. Trisha had grown frustrated that he did not realize she wanted him to be quiet and also talk to her and also leave her alone and also come and talk to her.
Published: Monday, November 27th, 2023 @ 10:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As he joined striking members of the United Auto Workers union on the picket line, President Joe Biden expressed his strong support for their efforts, insisting automakers provide all factory employees with 300 days of annual vacation just like he receives.
Published: Monday, November 27th, 2023 @ 6:01 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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According to Chief Counselor Gríma Wormtongue, King Théoden is doing more than any other king to stop orc invasions and everyone really needs to stop bothering him about it.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 1:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Republican Party checked itself into a rehab facility this morning, having hit rock-bottom in the throes of its addiction to losing.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 1:07 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As the migrant crisis along the southern U.S. border continued to intensify, a new threat emerged, leading the Biden administration to warn the populace of the presence of a dangerous African immigrant sighted at the border.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 12:37 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Senator Dianne Feinstein has passed away at 90 years old. In the wake of the tragic news, her estate confirmed to reporters that her death will in no way affect her re-election campaign.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 10:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Sushi and Japanese steakhouse Benihana offered pop superstar Britney Spears an attractive offer to come work as one of their famed Hibachi chefs after the singer posted a video online this week of her dancing and gyrating with two large steak knives in her hands.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 9:44 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After another horrendously embarrassing day of gaffes for President Biden, White House aides decided to try removing his brain, blowing on it, then sticking it back in.
Published: Sunday, November 26th, 2023 @ 9:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After taking a beating in elections this week, Republican candidates have signaled their willingness to compromise with the Left on the extremely nuanced issue of baby murder.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 8:25 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With the first Biden impeachment inquiry underway, Democrats reprimanded Republicans for pouncing on a decent old man, insisting the impeachment was just a waste of time because Biden would probably be dead in a few weeks anyway.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 5:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 4:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After yet another biting incident involving the Presidential pooch Commander, members of the White House staff and canine experts are at a loss as to how the dog learned such aggressive behavior in the first place.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 4:37 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A local progressive couple sought to solve their teenage child's outburst of rebellion against their authority by grounding the teen from using any cool new pronouns for a full month.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 1:52 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Following last night's second Republican presidential debate, former President Donald Trump expressed his gratitude to the other GOP candidates for providing such strong support for his nomination.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 12:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In an exciting announcement arriving just in time for the holiday season, Thomas Kinkade Studios has unveiled its new "Violent Scenes of the Old Testament" collection of art prints.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 8:38 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources, the city of Philadelphia is being plagued by looters stealing from liquor stores, electronics stores, and shoe stores. Reports indicate the looters are noble impoverished people just trying to find bread to feed their children.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 8:00 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Public schools are a lot different today than they were years ago. In the old days, Christian kids could blend right in with the crowd at public schools. Today? Not so much. God-fearing, Bible-believing kids tend to stick out like sore thumbs at school these days.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 7:38 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With his note to the real-life Jets falling on deaf ears, Colin Kaepernick decided today to use his likeness to make himself the Jets quarterback in Madden 24.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 12:24 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Judge Arthur Engeron has ruled President Donald Trump guilty of grossly exaggerating how great his acting was in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 12:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Chaos erupted downtown last night as mobs of looters descended upon a local Foot Locker location, carrying off armloads of merchandise through the smashed storefront while completely ignoring the Foot Locker referee blowing his whistle and waving his arms.
Published: Friday, November 24th, 2023 @ 11:12 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local wife Margo Gerfman was seen scrolling through Zillow listings in search of ideal 20-acre farms up for sale after having planted, grown, and harvested a bountiful apron full of three tomatoes.
Published: Friday, November 24th, 2023 @ 7:55 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After you get married, it's common for the flame of love to cool, with each spouse eventually reaching the point of using the toilet with the bathroom door open, wearing nothing but sweatpants around the house, and finding deep-seated flaws in the way each other breathes.
Published: Friday, November 24th, 2023 @ 1:45 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Embattled New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez fought back against allegations raised against him today, appearing in court to officially plead not guilty to all of the things he did.
Published: Friday, November 24th, 2023 @ 12:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After an embarrassing incident in which the Canadian government honored a Nazi SS veteran in parliament, Canada's dictator Justin Trudeau attempted to distract from the controversy by unveiling some cool new facial hair.
Published: Friday, November 24th, 2023 @ 12:42 am
By: Babylon Bee
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