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Babylon Bee's Entries

The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.
The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.
 
A local man spent the better part of Monday afternoon playing baseball with his son, tragically leaving him completely unaware of all the terrible things that were happening in the news.
A local man spent the better part of Monday afternoon playing baseball with his son, tragically leaving him completely unaware of all the terrible things that were happening in the news.
 
LOS ANGELES, CA — Taylor Swift released a new single today entitled "I Knew You Were Trouble When You Hauled In 7 Receptions For 69 Yards And A TD Against The Bears".
LOS ANGELES, CA — Taylor Swift released a new single today entitled "I Knew You Were Trouble When You Hauled In 7 Receptions For 69 Yards And A TD Against The Bears".
 
With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year.
With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year.
 
HOLLYWOOD, CA — As news of a tentative agreement between Hollywood studios and the Writers Guild of America broke, television and film writers expressed excitement and renewed vigor to return to the important work of destroying the entertainment world's most popular and beloved franchises.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — As news of a tentative agreement between Hollywood studios and the Writers Guild of America broke, television and film writers expressed excitement and renewed vigor to return to the important work of destroying the entertainment world's most popular and beloved franchises.
 
You've already seen the headlines — conservatives are trying to BAN BOOKS! Now, there is confirmation of this nefarious far-right plot to censor what American kids are allowed to read by removing them from school libraries while keeping them freely available everywhere else.
You've already seen the headlines — conservatives are trying to BAN BOOKS! Now, there is confirmation of this nefarious far-right plot to censor what American kids are allowed to read by removing them from school libraries while keeping them freely available everywhere else.
 
With Democratic Senator Bob Menendez facing charges of bribery, President Biden weighed in this morning, condemning the Senator for accepting his bribes in bars of gold rather than fungible assets laundered through 20 shell companies.
With Democratic Senator Bob Menendez facing charges of bribery, President Biden weighed in this morning, condemning the Senator for accepting his bribes in bars of gold rather than fungible assets laundered through 20 shell companies.
 
A local man was left scrambling to pick up his children from school yesterday after failing to remember his responsibilities and spending his time thinking about the Roman Empire instead.
A local man was left scrambling to pick up his children from school yesterday after failing to remember his responsibilities and spending his time thinking about the Roman Empire instead.
 
As part of President Joe Biden's aggressive push to fight consumer junk fees, Democrat lawmakers have announced plans to raise taxes on consumers.
As part of President Joe Biden's aggressive push to fight consumer junk fees, Democrat lawmakers have announced plans to raise taxes on consumers.
 
In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.
In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.
 
It's that "special time" of the month, your wife has that crazy look in her eyes, and you know your next words could be your last. What do you say?
It's that "special time" of the month, your wife has that crazy look in her eyes, and you know your next words could be your last. What do you say?
 
A middle school student with a "bad stomach ache" was too sick to attend school this week but felt just well enough to spend hours and hours playing video games.
A middle school student with a "bad stomach ache" was too sick to attend school this week but felt just well enough to spend hours and hours playing video games.
 
As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn't help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.
As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn't help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.
 
Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secretly supports perversion.
Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secretly supports perversion.
 
MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.
MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.
 
Michigan representative Rashida Tlaib clarified comments she made on social media over the weekend, maintaining the phrase "Heil Hitler" is just an anti-colonial call for freedom from oppression.
Michigan representative Rashida Tlaib clarified comments she made on social media over the weekend, maintaining the phrase "Heil Hitler" is just an anti-colonial call for freedom from oppression.
 
It's not easy being a dad. Exemplifying bravery, leadership, and wisdom while simultaneously consuming an entire pig's worth of bacon per day and explaining to your wife how every daily event relates to The Lord of the Rings is hard work.
It's not easy being a dad. Exemplifying bravery, leadership, and wisdom while simultaneously consuming an entire pig's worth of bacon per day and explaining to your wife how every daily event relates to The Lord of the Rings is hard work.
 
In a shocking move, Ukraine announced today that they have hired trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney as their official military spokesperson.
In a shocking move, Ukraine announced today that they have hired trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney as their official military spokesperson.
 
The United States is a land of freedom — freedom of speech (unless you're in public), freedom of the press (unless you're conservative), and the freedom to bear arms (unless you're in New Mexico).
The United States is a land of freedom — freedom of speech (unless you're in public), freedom of the press (unless you're conservative), and the freedom to bear arms (unless you're in New Mexico).
 
Harvard President Claudine Gay has unveiled a brand-new U-boat that will be used by the university's heavyweight rowing team to decimate their competitors.
Harvard President Claudine Gay has unveiled a brand-new U-boat that will be used by the university's heavyweight rowing team to decimate their competitors.
 
In an interview with Meet the Press, former President Donald J. Trump told moderator Kristen Welker that there are "very fine people on both sides" of the baby murder issue.
In an interview with Meet the Press, former President Donald J. Trump told moderator Kristen Welker that there are "very fine people on both sides" of the baby murder issue.
 
The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today that it had discovered terrifying extremist reading material in a raid of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson's Louisiana home.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today that it had discovered terrifying extremist reading material in a raid of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson's Louisiana home.
 
In a Babylon Bee exclusive, new evidence has been obtained that provides further insight as to how an F-35 fighter jet could disappear and remain missing until its wreckage was discovered.
In a Babylon Bee exclusive, new evidence has been obtained that provides further insight as to how an F-35 fighter jet could disappear and remain missing until its wreckage was discovered.
 
In an effort to raise more funds to support Ukraine's war efforts against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky had ushers pass around an offering plate during his speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
In an effort to raise more funds to support Ukraine's war efforts against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky had ushers pass around an offering plate during his speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
 
In an attempt to appease evangelical voters who were disgusted by her display of promiscuity at Buell Theater in downtown Denver, U.S. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has announced a brand new line of purity rings.
In an attempt to appease evangelical voters who were disgusted by her display of promiscuity at Buell Theater in downtown Denver, U.S. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has announced a brand new line of purity rings.
 
In ancient times, there were only 2 genders. Then science was invented, and we discovered thousands more!
In ancient times, there were only 2 genders. Then science was invented, and we discovered thousands more!
 
Despite the fact that Halloween ended last night, unemployed political activist Colin Kaepernick was still seen this morning pretending to be a football player.
Despite the fact that Halloween ended last night, unemployed political activist Colin Kaepernick was still seen this morning pretending to be a football player.
 
As Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived in the U.S. to petition the U.N. for additional funds for the ongoing war with Russia, he was angered to learn one of his F-35s had been carelessly ruined by the American military.
As Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived in the U.S. to petition the U.N. for additional funds for the ongoing war with Russia, he was angered to learn one of his F-35s had been carelessly ruined by the American military.
 
A tense situation was avoided today, as a Leftist pro-Palestine protestor attempted to get into an argument with a Skinhead but found they really are on the same page about pretty much everything.
A tense situation was avoided today, as a Leftist pro-Palestine protestor attempted to get into an argument with a Skinhead but found they really are on the same page about pretty much everything.
 
Local consumers were caught in a familiar but confusing position this week after television advertisements from a popular beer manufacturer urged viewers to "drink responsibly" while simultaneously prompting them to purchase as much beer as possible.
Local consumers were caught in a familiar but confusing position this week after television advertisements from a popular beer manufacturer urged viewers to "drink responsibly" while simultaneously prompting them to purchase as much beer as possible.
 
In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.
In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.
 
The world's dumbest man, Jeremy Dander, pulled up to a McDonald's outside of lunch hours, noticed only two cars in the drive-thru, and made the mistake of assuming the experience wouldn't take long.
The world's dumbest man, Jeremy Dander, pulled up to a McDonald's outside of lunch hours, noticed only two cars in the drive-thru, and made the mistake of assuming the experience wouldn't take long.
 
As part of a new marketing initiative, the makers of Dove soap have announced they will be replacing the brand's longtime bird silhouette logo with a more body-positive image of a manatee.
As part of a new marketing initiative, the makers of Dove soap have announced they will be replacing the brand's longtime bird silhouette logo with a more body-positive image of a manatee.
 
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.
 
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