The Babylon Bee Writers Are Going On Strike - Here Are Our Demands | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!

    Demands:

1. CEO Seth Dillon agrees to begin paying us
2. More gruel at lunchtime
3. Bowing to the golden Trump statue when the music plays is no longer mandatory
4. Seth agrees to stop whipping us and yelling, "Be funnier!"
5. Iron Maiden pinball machine in the breakroom
6. Cut Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann's daily readings of Lord of the Rings to weekly
7. The company will no longer hire male writers based on hotness
8. Must offer actual benefits instead of just the promise of an annual high-five
9. Kyle agrees to stop walking by our desks saying "Working hard or hardly working?"
10. Stop referring to female writers as "work hags" or "headline wenches"
11. Weekend visits with family
12. One can of Yuban coffee
13. The company cannot force us to write more than 25 AOC jokes a day
14. We will no longer be required to refer to the CEO as "Seth Dillon, may he live forever"
15. Kyle must learn all our names
16. Writers will now have the right to make fun of Elon Musk
17. 4-hour games of Catan on Wednesdays are now optional
18. Increase the party planning committee budget to $50
19. Y2K-compliant computers
20. A window
21. Replace us with AI. Please. And as soon as possible
22. No more listicles

    We reserve the right to say we were just joking and go back to work if the company tries to fire us. That's one of the best things about working for the Bee, you can laugh off anything as a joke. But seriously, we have families.