In Absolute Highlight Of Week, Man Eats Burger Alone In His Car | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    TOPEKA, KS     Reports are flying in of an event that sounds too crazy to be true. In an absolute highlight of his week, local man Jobert Philipps ate a burger alone in the peace and quiet of his car.

    As if that weren't enough to absolutely fry brains, he also listened to a podcast.

    "These last 15 minutes have been nothing short of paradise," said Philipps while wiping ketchup off the driver's seat and searching for the fry that disappeared in the gap between his seat and the console. "Having a wife and five - no six kids doesn't shake a stick at what I'm doing right here, right now, in this moment."

    Sources say that multiple observers witnessed the spectacular event, including a hobo, a family who nervously walked past, and the employee tasked with gathering shopping carts in the Walmart parking lot where Philipps had parked.

    Following his epic lunchtime endeavor, Philipps took a moment to soak in the sense of satisfaction and achievement flowing through him and even rolled down his window to let his left forearm get a little bit of sun. Incredible!

    At publishing time, Jobert Philipps had returned home to hear his wife tell of the absolute highlight of her week wherein she took a shower that lasted more than 5 minutes.