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Babylon Bee's Entries

History was made this week as five late night talk show hosts — Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, and someone named Seth Myers — announced they were joining forces on one podcast amid the Hollywood writers' and actors' strikes
History was made this week as five late night talk show hosts — Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, and someone named Seth Myers — announced they were joining forces on one podcast amid the Hollywood writers' and actors' strikes
 
The secrets of the cigar lounge have been kept tightly under wraps for centuries, with women left to only speculate about the pearls of wisdom, mind-opening philosophies, and inimitable truths of life that are birthed in such an intimate, masculine setting.
The secrets of the cigar lounge have been kept tightly under wraps for centuries, with women left to only speculate about the pearls of wisdom, mind-opening philosophies, and inimitable truths of life that are birthed in such an intimate, masculine setting.
 
The Vanguard School in Colorado Springs has released a powerful commercial demonstrating why parents should homeschool their children.
The Vanguard School in Colorado Springs has released a powerful commercial demonstrating why parents should homeschool their children.
 
The late Steve Christiansen, a devout Christian who had filled his mortal days serving others and standing for truth and righteousness, was about to walk through the gates to heaven when an ever-vigilant St. Peter heard him call soda "pop."
The late Steve Christiansen, a devout Christian who had filled his mortal days serving others and standing for truth and righteousness, was about to walk through the gates to heaven when an ever-vigilant St. Peter heard him call soda "pop."
 
Senator Mitch McConnell revealed today his reelection campaign slogan, "..............".
Senator Mitch McConnell revealed today his reelection campaign slogan, "..............".
 
In the wake of Hurricane Idalia making landfall in Florida, President Joe Biden offered suffering victims in the Sunshine State comfort by telling them about the time he was in the bathroom and the urinal splashed back on him a little bit.
In the wake of Hurricane Idalia making landfall in Florida, President Joe Biden offered suffering victims in the Sunshine State comfort by telling them about the time he was in the bathroom and the urinal splashed back on him a little bit.
 
A quiet community was thrown into chaos in the early hours of Wednesday morning, as a tactical team from the Federal Bureau of Investigation staged a pre-dawn raid at the home of 6th-grader Jaiden Rodriguez.
A quiet community was thrown into chaos in the early hours of Wednesday morning, as a tactical team from the Federal Bureau of Investigation staged a pre-dawn raid at the home of 6th-grader Jaiden Rodriguez.
 
The archaeological world celebrated a remarkable discovery this week, as an excavation team announced the discovery of a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo believed to have belonged to the ancient biblical hero Samson.
The archaeological world celebrated a remarkable discovery this week, as an excavation team announced the discovery of a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo believed to have belonged to the ancient biblical hero Samson.
 
Let's face it, guys, decorating isn't as simple as it sounds. You want your house or apartment to look legit, not like some uncultured goof lives there. And you know you can't ask a girl for advice, since girls don't know anything about proper decorating.
Let's face it, guys, decorating isn't as simple as it sounds. You want your house or apartment to look legit, not like some uncultured goof lives there. And you know you can't ask a girl for advice, since girls don't know anything about proper decorating.
 
The greatest living hero of the COVID-19 pandemic has been reluctantly drawn back into battle, as the Biden administration has reportedly called retired authority on virology Dr. Anthony Fauci out of retirement for one last ride as it seeks to implement a new mask mandate.
The greatest living hero of the COVID-19 pandemic has been reluctantly drawn back into battle, as the Biden administration has reportedly called retired authority on virology Dr. Anthony Fauci out of retirement for one last ride as it seeks to implement a new mask mandate.
 
As evidence of President Joe Biden's corruption continues to mount, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has issued his most serious threat yet, promising to respond to the Biden administration with the strongliest-worded letter ever written.
As evidence of President Joe Biden's corruption continues to mount, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has issued his most serious threat yet, promising to respond to the Biden administration with the strongliest-worded letter ever written.
 
Local television viewers were frustrated this week due to a director's decision to have the production crew cut away from a crucial touchdown pass to instead show a slow-motion replay of recording artist Taylor Swift eating a nacho.
Local television viewers were frustrated this week due to a director's decision to have the production crew cut away from a crucial touchdown pass to instead show a slow-motion replay of recording artist Taylor Swift eating a nacho.
 
A local 6th grader has been suspended and sent home from school after he was found to be in possession of a history textbook with an offensive image of an American flag on the cover.
A local 6th grader has been suspended and sent home from school after he was found to be in possession of a history textbook with an offensive image of an American flag on the cover.
 
The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.
The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.
 
CAMBRIDGE, MA — As another summer winds to a close, a startling new study revealed that a surprising 92% of all parents' summer vacations are spent adjusting their children's swim goggles.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — As another summer winds to a close, a startling new study revealed that a surprising 92% of all parents' summer vacations are spent adjusting their children's swim goggles.
 
Do you own a home? Haha, of course you don't! No one does anymore. But there's still hope! We assembled the brightest economic minds to bring us these incredible life-changing tips for affording your own home, even in Biden's economy.
Do you own a home? Haha, of course you don't! No one does anymore. But there's still hope! We assembled the brightest economic minds to bring us these incredible life-changing tips for affording your own home, even in Biden's economy.
 
Singer-songwriter Oliver Anthony experienced the fickleness of fame this week, as Republican voters abandoned their support of him after he refused to get a "MAGA" tattoo on his neck.
Singer-songwriter Oliver Anthony experienced the fickleness of fame this week, as Republican voters abandoned their support of him after he refused to get a "MAGA" tattoo on his neck.
 
In response to a trend of climate protestors blocking roads and interrupting the daily lives of sane people, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has signed legislation making it legal to make them dance by firing six-shooters at their feet.
In response to a trend of climate protestors blocking roads and interrupting the daily lives of sane people, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has signed legislation making it legal to make them dance by firing six-shooters at their feet.
 
Attendees at this weekend's popular Renaissance Faire kept with the spirit of the event by not wearing deodorant or taking a shower before donning heavy tunics and cloaks in the 90-plus degree weather.
Attendees at this weekend's popular Renaissance Faire kept with the spirit of the event by not wearing deodorant or taking a shower before donning heavy tunics and cloaks in the 90-plus degree weather.
 
Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis was seen last night waving around a joint in front of local police officers in a desperate attempt to get arrested and have a cool mugshot just like Trump.
Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis was seen last night waving around a joint in front of local police officers in a desperate attempt to get arrested and have a cool mugshot just like Trump.
 
Singer Derek Carter delivered an incredible rendition of the National Anthem today by simply singing the song exactly as it was written.
Singer Derek Carter delivered an incredible rendition of the National Anthem today by simply singing the song exactly as it was written.
 
As the Halloween season kicks into high gear, local residents have been buzzing about the newest, most terrifying haunted house they have ever experienced. Surprising reviews claimed the attraction just displays current gasoline and grocery prices along dark, creepy hallways.
As the Halloween season kicks into high gear, local residents have been buzzing about the newest, most terrifying haunted house they have ever experienced. Surprising reviews claimed the attraction just displays current gasoline and grocery prices along dark, creepy hallways.
 
Nikki Haley has released her official presidential campaign slogan, "I am a woman."
Nikki Haley has released her official presidential campaign slogan, "I am a woman."
 
Even at the Last Supper, Jesus' disciples were still not keen to know who was the traitor among them - yet looking back, the signs were all there. Here are nine obvious clues that should have alerted the disciples to who would betray the Lord:
Even at the Last Supper, Jesus' disciples were still not keen to know who was the traitor among them - yet looking back, the signs were all there. Here are nine obvious clues that should have alerted the disciples to who would betray the Lord:
 
All of the dogs living in Heaven fled in horror today upon the arrival of notorious neutering advocate Bob Barker.
All of the dogs living in Heaven fled in horror today upon the arrival of notorious neutering advocate Bob Barker.
 
Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.
Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.
 
Despite living in the hometown of the Connecticut Sun basketball team and having no other professional sports franchises in the state, a local man has struggled to persuade his friends to join his WNBA fantasy league.
Despite living in the hometown of the Connecticut Sun basketball team and having no other professional sports franchises in the state, a local man has struggled to persuade his friends to join his WNBA fantasy league.
 
After surveying the ten square feet of grass in his new home's yard, local man Dan Jenkins decided it was definitely time to purchase a riding lawnmower.
After surveying the ten square feet of grass in his new home's yard, local man Dan Jenkins decided it was definitely time to purchase a riding lawnmower.
 
Sources in the Fulton County Sheriff's Office today confirmed that former president Donald Trump paid the extra $12 required to get the cool laser background on his mugshot.
Sources in the Fulton County Sheriff's Office today confirmed that former president Donald Trump paid the extra $12 required to get the cool laser background on his mugshot.
 
A dangerous, psychopathic madman charged with dozens of counts of attempting to violently overthrow the government has once again turned himself in peacefully to face yet another indictment charge, sources confirmed today.
A dangerous, psychopathic madman charged with dozens of counts of attempting to violently overthrow the government has once again turned himself in peacefully to face yet another indictment charge, sources confirmed today.
 
Disgruntled robbers in the Bay Area began to consider the option of packing up shop and relocating to another city, citing the fact that everything in San Francisco has already been robbed.
Disgruntled robbers in the Bay Area began to consider the option of packing up shop and relocating to another city, citing the fact that everything in San Francisco has already been robbed.
 
In a statement delivered to a line of 100 drivers who had been stuck behind him for the past 3 hours, local bicyclist Florian Skuzz said that he wants to be treated just like a car on the road, but also to just kinda be able to break the rules whenever he wants to.
In a statement delivered to a line of 100 drivers who had been stuck behind him for the past 3 hours, local bicyclist Florian Skuzz said that he wants to be treated just like a car on the road, but also to just kinda be able to break the rules whenever he wants to.
 
Presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy's lack of foreign policy experience was brought into focus following last night's Republican primary debate after it was pointed out that he has yet to bomb any brown people.
Presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy's lack of foreign policy experience was brought into focus following last night's Republican primary debate after it was pointed out that he has yet to bomb any brown people.
 
VENTURA, CA — A local wife and shades-aficionado lost her sunglasses Monday, then found them, then lost them, then found them, then finally…lost them again. Wait a minute, there they are.
VENTURA, CA — A local wife and shades-aficionado lost her sunglasses Monday, then found them, then lost them, then found them, then finally…lost them again. Wait a minute, there they are.
 
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