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Babylon Bee's Entries

Fires, looting, and violence broke out across the city last night, as the Black Lives Matter movement marked the 10-year anniversary of its inception by setting fire to 10 more predominantly black neighborhoods.
Fires, looting, and violence broke out across the city last night, as the Black Lives Matter movement marked the 10-year anniversary of its inception by setting fire to 10 more predominantly black neighborhoods.
 
In a speech given this week, Vice President and Artificial Intelligence Czar Kamala Harris proudly announced that after months of dedicated research and extensive study, she has determined what the initials A.I. stand for.
In a speech given this week, Vice President and Artificial Intelligence Czar Kamala Harris proudly announced that after months of dedicated research and extensive study, she has determined what the initials A.I. stand for.
 
In an ideal world, every church would be perfect and you'd stay there your whole life. Unfortunately, there are times when you feel led to find a new church to attend. But how do you know which church should be your new place of worship?
In an ideal world, every church would be perfect and you'd stay there your whole life. Unfortunately, there are times when you feel led to find a new church to attend. But how do you know which church should be your new place of worship?
 
Victims of child sex trafficking are reportedly disheartened by the extra attention they've been getting since the theatrical release of Sound of Freedom. Sources say the film has prompted visits by members of the nation's media
Victims of child sex trafficking are reportedly disheartened by the extra attention they've been getting since the theatrical release of Sound of Freedom. Sources say the film has prompted visits by members of the nation's media
 
Citing newly uncovered writings from Greece, Rome, and Jerusalem, biblical scholars are now saying the shockingly rapid growth of the early church can be attributed to the fact that Christians were allowed to eat bacon.
Citing newly uncovered writings from Greece, Rome, and Jerusalem, biblical scholars are now saying the shockingly rapid growth of the early church can be attributed to the fact that Christians were allowed to eat bacon.
 
Thanks to the runaway success of the anti-sex trafficking film Sound of Freedom, Angel Studios has already announced a sequel, which will feature Jim Caviezel's character tracking down notorious international sex trafficker Andrew Tate.
Thanks to the runaway success of the anti-sex trafficking film Sound of Freedom, Angel Studios has already announced a sequel, which will feature Jim Caviezel's character tracking down notorious international sex trafficker Andrew Tate.
 
In an effort to slow the rise of frightening, right-wing extremism, the state of California has announced a new mandate to close all gyms and fitness centers for two weeks.
In an effort to slow the rise of frightening, right-wing extremism, the state of California has announced a new mandate to close all gyms and fitness centers for two weeks.
 
Ukrainian attendee at this year's NATO Summit found himself feeling embarrassed upon realizing the get-together was not, in fact, a costume party as he had thought.
Ukrainian attendee at this year's NATO Summit found himself feeling embarrassed upon realizing the get-together was not, in fact, a costume party as he had thought.
 
Unless you're a total weirdo, it's unlikely you consider paying taxes the best part of being an American. Fortunately for you, there are some creative and innovative ways to avoid paying your taxes.
Unless you're a total weirdo, it's unlikely you consider paying taxes the best part of being an American. Fortunately for you, there are some creative and innovative ways to avoid paying your taxes.
 
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby are celebrating the birth of their new son who was incubated in the fruitful womb of a poor woman they rented to bear them a child.
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby are celebrating the birth of their new son who was incubated in the fruitful womb of a poor woman they rented to bear them a child.
 
A local man attempted to reason with his physician today, explaining to the concerned doctor that his obesity was the result of his pledge to fight far-right extremism in all forms.
A local man attempted to reason with his physician today, explaining to the concerned doctor that his obesity was the result of his pledge to fight far-right extremism in all forms.
 
A local trailer park has come under fire, with visitors and prospective residents alike accusing its name "Paradise Oasis" of being at least somewhat of a noticeable exaggeration.
A local trailer park has come under fire, with visitors and prospective residents alike accusing its name "Paradise Oasis" of being at least somewhat of a noticeable exaggeration.
 
Moses, who led God's chosen people out of the land of Egypt, reportedly asked God to part the waters of the Red Sea again real quick after he realized he must have dropped his sunglasses in the midst of the waters.
Moses, who led God's chosen people out of the land of Egypt, reportedly asked God to part the waters of the Red Sea again real quick after he realized he must have dropped his sunglasses in the midst of the waters.
 
Local residents and landlords in the DC area are concerned after rumors surfaced that a nearby home on Pennsylvania Avenue has become a dangerous crack house.
Local residents and landlords in the DC area are concerned after rumors surfaced that a nearby home on Pennsylvania Avenue has become a dangerous crack house.
 
In a night of stunning and inclusive bliss, The Netherlands conferred its highest beauty pageant honor upon a trans woman who looked just like a real woman. The totally real woman is reportedly "champing at the bit" to compete again.
In a night of stunning and inclusive bliss, The Netherlands conferred its highest beauty pageant honor upon a trans woman who looked just like a real woman. The totally real woman is reportedly "champing at the bit" to compete again.
 
As mainstream media reports circulated that maintaining physical fitness is a sign of far-right extremism, a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Investigation disclosed that the agency already has a surveillance team closely monitoring
As mainstream media reports circulated that maintaining physical fitness is a sign of far-right extremism, a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Investigation disclosed that the agency already has a surveillance team closely monitoring
 
As New York City continues to face a growing crisis due to ongoing waves of illegal migrants flooding into the city, Mayor Eric Adams reached out to the state of Texas to ask if they still had any of those cowboys with the whips.
As New York City continues to face a growing crisis due to ongoing waves of illegal migrants flooding into the city, Mayor Eric Adams reached out to the state of Texas to ask if they still had any of those cowboys with the whips.
 
In a sudden flurry of moves declared by members of the administration to be a "total coincidence" in the wake of cocaine being discovered in the White House, President Joe Biden has promised to fix the immigration issues at the southern border
In a sudden flurry of moves declared by members of the administration to be a "total coincidence" in the wake of cocaine being discovered in the White House, President Joe Biden has promised to fix the immigration issues at the southern border
 
What began as a beautiful summer weekend in the popular Rehoboth Beach community collapsed into confusion and terror as the local police department was called to investigate a corpse that apparently washed up on the beach.
What began as a beautiful summer weekend in the popular Rehoboth Beach community collapsed into confusion and terror as the local police department was called to investigate a corpse that apparently washed up on the beach.
 
Hollywood critics, actors, and producers are reportedly confused by Sound of Freedom, an action thriller produced by Angel Studios and starring Jim Caviezel, because it depicts child sex trafficking as a bad thing.
Hollywood critics, actors, and producers are reportedly confused by Sound of Freedom, an action thriller produced by Angel Studios and starring Jim Caviezel, because it depicts child sex trafficking as a bad thing.
 
Three hours and several cups of coffee later, Sarah Cochran deeply regretted asking her husband Mark why those little guys didn't just fly the eagles to Mordor.
Three hours and several cups of coffee later, Sarah Cochran deeply regretted asking her husband Mark why those little guys didn't just fly the eagles to Mordor.
 
With a wedding hanging in the balance after running out of booze, Satan stepped up to miraculously turn water into Bud Light.
With a wedding hanging in the balance after running out of booze, Satan stepped up to miraculously turn water into Bud Light.
 
After losing the box office battle to AngelStudios, Disney has announced a new movie project: Indiana Jones and the Plates of Nephi.
After losing the box office battle to AngelStudios, Disney has announced a new movie project: Indiana Jones and the Plates of Nephi.
 
After decades of work culminated in the invention of lab-grown beef, Dr. Joshua Patel was humiliated after realizing cows already exist.
After decades of work culminated in the invention of lab-grown beef, Dr. Joshua Patel was humiliated after realizing cows already exist.
 
Ardent Calvinist Jeremy Dunn has reportedly been predestined from the foundation of the world to spend countless hours online arguing about Calvinism.
Ardent Calvinist Jeremy Dunn has reportedly been predestined from the foundation of the world to spend countless hours online arguing about Calvinism.
 
BEMIDJI, MN — With inflation and other economic woes continuing to plague the nation, The White House took the time to assure the nation over Labor Day that these troubling issues were only affecting people who needed to buy stuff.
BEMIDJI, MN — With inflation and other economic woes continuing to plague the nation, The White House took the time to assure the nation over Labor Day that these troubling issues were only affecting people who needed to buy stuff.
 
The state of California has officially outlawed speaking Spanish over the language's bigoted use of exclusively masculine or feminine nouns.
The state of California has officially outlawed speaking Spanish over the language's bigoted use of exclusively masculine or feminine nouns.
 
The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House.
The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House.
 
Actor Ezra Miller has been traveling house to house threatening families to see The Flash, witnesses claim. Authorities are advising residents of Bennington County to lock their doors and, if approached, to contact police immediately.
Actor Ezra Miller has been traveling house to house threatening families to see The Flash, witnesses claim. Authorities are advising residents of Bennington County to lock their doors and, if approached, to contact police immediately.
 
NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to introduce more honesty in their branding, NBC has announced a major change to the name of their Peacock streaming service, which will now be called That Service You Only Bought To Watch The Office.
NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to introduce more honesty in their branding, NBC has announced a major change to the name of their Peacock streaming service, which will now be called That Service You Only Bought To Watch The Office.
 
First Lady (and real doctor) Jill Biden has confirmed she tested positive for COVID-19 after conducting her own extensive diagnostic assessment, which included hitting herself on the forehead with one of those rubber knee hammer things.
First Lady (and real doctor) Jill Biden has confirmed she tested positive for COVID-19 after conducting her own extensive diagnostic assessment, which included hitting herself on the forehead with one of those rubber knee hammer things.
 
Zuckerberg's thriving tech company Meta has announced an exciting and innovative new social media app called Threads, which combines all the things you hate about Twitter with everything you hate about Instagram.
Zuckerberg's thriving tech company Meta has announced an exciting and innovative new social media app called Threads, which combines all the things you hate about Twitter with everything you hate about Instagram.
 
Emperor Palpatine was said to be very pleased with the latest ballistics report on stormtrooper marksmanship, as the Imperial Army's collective accuracy percentage improved dramatically after adding pistol braces to all blasters.
Emperor Palpatine was said to be very pleased with the latest ballistics report on stormtrooper marksmanship, as the Imperial Army's collective accuracy percentage improved dramatically after adding pistol braces to all blasters.
 
A third ecumenical council of bros convened this week to discuss apparent difficulties in the canon of Universal's Fast & Furious movie series. Bro leadership met for several days in the Echo Park neighborhood that previously served as the home to series protagonist Dominic Toretto
A third ecumenical council of bros convened this week to discuss apparent difficulties in the canon of Universal's Fast & Furious movie series. Bro leadership met for several days in the Echo Park neighborhood that previously served as the home to series protagonist Dominic Toretto
 
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