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Babylon Bee's Entries

China's President Xi issued a stern warning to American politicians this week, vowing that any members of Congress who dare to vote for a ban on TikTok will be fired from their jobs.
China's President Xi issued a stern warning to American politicians this week, vowing that any members of Congress who dare to vote for a ban on TikTok will be fired from their jobs.
 
Henry Cavill is out as Superman. No more shall he run faster than a locomotive or leap tall buildings in a single bound. Sad! Still, this is great news for a young actor looking for his big break. So who's going to be the next Superman?
Henry Cavill is out as Superman. No more shall he run faster than a locomotive or leap tall buildings in a single bound. Sad! Still, this is great news for a young actor looking for his big break. So who's going to be the next Superman?
 
Donald Trump announced a new line of collectible POGs Thursday, devastating presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis. This marks the first time brand-new POGs have been commissioned in thirty years.
Donald Trump announced a new line of collectible POGs Thursday, devastating presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis. This marks the first time brand-new POGs have been commissioned in thirty years.
 
A family was brought to the brink of tragedy today as a local woman began making funeral arrangements for her husband when he failed to respond to her text message within 13 seconds.
A family was brought to the brink of tragedy today as a local woman began making funeral arrangements for her husband when he failed to respond to her text message within 13 seconds.
 
According to reports, watching soccer is finally interesting as France descends into fiery chaos after a Morocco semi-final loss.
According to reports, watching soccer is finally interesting as France descends into fiery chaos after a Morocco semi-final loss.
 
According to sources, local man Doug Bolters expressed his extreme displeasure at the signing of the Respect for Marriage Act which enshrines gay marriage into law
According to sources, local man Doug Bolters expressed his extreme displeasure at the signing of the Respect for Marriage Act which enshrines gay marriage into law
 
James Cameron, acclaimed director of Avatar, a 2009 movie about estrogen-infused Smurfs, is releasing the much-anticipated sequel in theaters worldwide.
James Cameron, acclaimed director of Avatar, a 2009 movie about estrogen-infused Smurfs, is releasing the much-anticipated sequel in theaters worldwide.
 
The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.
The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.
 
The White House was lit up with the colors of a fanatical cult this week, officially signaling the Biden Administration's establishment of a new state-sponsored religion.
The White House was lit up with the colors of a fanatical cult this week, officially signaling the Biden Administration's establishment of a new state-sponsored religion.
 
What began as a joyous celebration quickly devolved into chaos and horror for some local shepherds after a multitude of the Heavenly host began singing "Last Christmas" by Wham! late last night.
What began as a joyous celebration quickly devolved into chaos and horror for some local shepherds after a multitude of the Heavenly host began singing "Last Christmas" by Wham! late last night.
 
School libraries are safe spaces for children to open their minds to the virtues of cross-dressing and Communism. But if you wrote a book about sea turtles and their wacky adventures you may find trouble getting your story approved by the librarian.
School libraries are safe spaces for children to open their minds to the virtues of cross-dressing and Communism. But if you wrote a book about sea turtles and their wacky adventures you may find trouble getting your story approved by the librarian.
 
Senator Mitt Romney reassured supporters today that he would be remaining a faithful member of the Democratic Party.
Senator Mitt Romney reassured supporters today that he would be remaining a faithful member of the Democratic Party.
 
Former Rightful-President Hillary Clinton has been awarded an honorary medical license by the Canadian Minister of Health due to her decades of experience providing dignified euthanasia services to men and women in America.
Former Rightful-President Hillary Clinton has been awarded an honorary medical license by the Canadian Minister of Health due to her decades of experience providing dignified euthanasia services to men and women in America.
 
Deposed king of cryptocurrency and founder of the now-defunct FTX, Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested by Federal authorities and will be prosecuted after running out of bribery money.
Deposed king of cryptocurrency and founder of the now-defunct FTX, Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested by Federal authorities and will be prosecuted after running out of bribery money.
 
With 11 minutes of estimated assembly time and a single Allen wrench as a required toolset, the $38 IKEA bunk bed has been rated as "probably safe."
With 11 minutes of estimated assembly time and a single Allen wrench as a required toolset, the $38 IKEA bunk bed has been rated as "probably safe."
 
In an effort to get ahead of the ever-changing definitions of commonly used words due to evolving societal norms, the Cambridge Dictionary has announced that it has changed the definition of the word "definition."
In an effort to get ahead of the ever-changing definitions of commonly used words due to evolving societal norms, the Cambridge Dictionary has announced that it has changed the definition of the word "definition."
 
A local doctor was embroiled in controversy this week and ultimately lost his medical license after being caught not wearing a mask while euthanizing a patient.
A local doctor was embroiled in controversy this week and ultimately lost his medical license after being caught not wearing a mask while euthanizing a patient.
 
Man scientists released new health guidelines for personal hygiene on Wednesday by confirming the validity of a well-established tradition: washing your hair and letting the shampoo just sort of run down the rest of you is good enough.
Man scientists released new health guidelines for personal hygiene on Wednesday by confirming the validity of a well-established tradition: washing your hair and letting the shampoo just sort of run down the rest of you is good enough.
 
Elon Musk finalized the purchase of Santa's Workshop this week and immediately released internal e-mails which show how the naughty and nice lists were created.
Elon Musk finalized the purchase of Santa's Workshop this week and immediately released internal e-mails which show how the naughty and nice lists were created.
 
Christmas 2023 has been canceled after Sam Brinton stole Santa Claus' sack. Brinton, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Office of Spent Fuel, was seen on security footage taking the sack from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport on Saturday afternoon.
Christmas 2023 has been canceled after Sam Brinton stole Santa Claus' sack. Brinton, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Office of Spent Fuel, was seen on security footage taking the sack from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport on Saturday afternoon.
 
As Canada's MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation's healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results
As Canada's MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation's healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results
 
The latest doll from the classic American Girl line is expected to miss projected sales numbers for the holiday season following an unenthusiastic launch. The doll, named Steve, is the company's first openly transgender doll.
The latest doll from the classic American Girl line is expected to miss projected sales numbers for the holiday season following an unenthusiastic launch. The doll, named Steve, is the company's first openly transgender doll.
 
Alleged right-wing conspiracy theorist and hatemonger Elon Musk has forced another celebrity to stand up for their convictions and leave Twitter. This time Sir Elton John has announced he is leaving Twitter for good with his much-anticipated three-year Farewell Twitter Tour.
Alleged right-wing conspiracy theorist and hatemonger Elon Musk has forced another celebrity to stand up for their convictions and leave Twitter. This time Sir Elton John has announced he is leaving Twitter for good with his much-anticipated three-year Farewell Twitter Tour.
 
A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa's lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation's ongoing war against Russia.
A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa's lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation's ongoing war against Russia.
 
After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.
After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.
 
The local worship band for Redeemer Church has continued its decade-long shadow ban on bass player Kevin Young.
The local worship band for Redeemer Church has continued its decade-long shadow ban on bass player Kevin Young.
 
According to those close to Joseph and Mary, Prominent OB/GYN Dr. Zacchaus of Nazareth pulled Joseph aside after Mary's latest checkup to tell him hauling his pregnant wife to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey was kind of a bad idea.
According to those close to Joseph and Mary, Prominent OB/GYN Dr. Zacchaus of Nazareth pulled Joseph aside after Mary's latest checkup to tell him hauling his pregnant wife to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey was kind of a bad idea.
 
Archaeologists have discovered the unmistakable remains from humongous "Minion" inflatables that Mary and Joseph used to decorate the front of the stable.
Archaeologists have discovered the unmistakable remains from humongous "Minion" inflatables that Mary and Joseph used to decorate the front of the stable.
 
The First United Methodist Church of Boise has threatened the congregation with an hour-long Christmas concert.
The First United Methodist Church of Boise has threatened the congregation with an hour-long Christmas concert.
 
Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.
Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.
 
A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden's arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to "follow the light."
A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden's arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to "follow the light."
 
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls "far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls "far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun."
 
The top-secret military base Area 51 is being overrun by curious visitors this morning after former president Trump announced he had declassified the installation in his mind several years ago.
The top-secret military base Area 51 is being overrun by curious visitors this morning after former president Trump announced he had declassified the installation in his mind several years ago.
 
A local couple is in shock today after a startling visit from Rightful Georgia Governor® Stacey Abrams. According to sources, the couple was listening to the heartbeat of their child on a sonogram for the very first time when Abrams burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man
A local couple is in shock today after a startling visit from Rightful Georgia Governor® Stacey Abrams. According to sources, the couple was listening to the heartbeat of their child on a sonogram for the very first time when Abrams burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid man
 
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