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Babylon Bee's Entries

Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.
Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.
 
Christmas time is in full swing with tree decorating, caroling, gift wrapping, and of course — the beloved tradition of traumatizing millions of small children everywhere by taking them to meet Santa Claus.
Christmas time is in full swing with tree decorating, caroling, gift wrapping, and of course — the beloved tradition of traumatizing millions of small children everywhere by taking them to meet Santa Claus.
 
According to sources in Washington, Republicans in Congress are livid at the irresponsible spending in a $1.7 trillion omnibus bill they just voted for.
According to sources in Washington, Republicans in Congress are livid at the irresponsible spending in a $1.7 trillion omnibus bill they just voted for.
 
Several watchdog groups have sounded the alarm over a concerning rise in hate speech on Twitter since Elon Musk took ownership of the platform. They say African Americans are being particularly targeted, as hate speech against them has risen over 10,000%.
Several watchdog groups have sounded the alarm over a concerning rise in hate speech on Twitter since Elon Musk took ownership of the platform. They say African Americans are being particularly targeted, as hate speech against them has risen over 10,000%.
 
Leaked internal messages among the faculty at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry reveal clear collusion between the school's headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, and Gryffindor House, which won the year-long contest for the House Cup.
Leaked internal messages among the faculty at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry reveal clear collusion between the school's headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, and Gryffindor House, which won the year-long contest for the House Cup.
 
After years of struggling to purchase his wife the right gift for Christmas, one local man started listening in October for ideas. His attentiveness gave him the idea of buying his wife a new, rechargeable vacuum
After years of struggling to purchase his wife the right gift for Christmas, one local man started listening in October for ideas. His attentiveness gave him the idea of buying his wife a new, rechargeable vacuum
 
Twitter's new CEO Elon Musk made headlines recently by revealing the FBI had paid Twitter to mass-censor conservative voices, serious allegations that followed layoffs which themselves have been described as worse than the Civil War and the Black Plague combined.
Twitter's new CEO Elon Musk made headlines recently by revealing the FBI had paid Twitter to mass-censor conservative voices, serious allegations that followed layoffs which themselves have been described as worse than the Civil War and the Black Plague combined.
 
In his latest move to democratize the popular social media app, Elon Musk said he would use Twitter polls to make policy decisions at Twitter, following this announcement with a poll asking if he should step down as head of Twitter.
In his latest move to democratize the popular social media app, Elon Musk said he would use Twitter polls to make policy decisions at Twitter, following this announcement with a poll asking if he should step down as head of Twitter.
 
As Congress continued to conduct its final pieces of business before the holiday break, lawmakers warned that a total government shutdown could ensue if an agreement to send an additional package of tens of billions of dollars to Ukraine is not made by Friday.
As Congress continued to conduct its final pieces of business before the holiday break, lawmakers warned that a total government shutdown could ensue if an agreement to send an additional package of tens of billions of dollars to Ukraine is not made by Friday.
 
There's nothing like gathering the family during the holidays to watch a good old-fashioned Christmas movie! There are so many timeless classics out there, full of iconic moments we love to relive again and again!
There's nothing like gathering the family during the holidays to watch a good old-fashioned Christmas movie! There are so many timeless classics out there, full of iconic moments we love to relive again and again!
 
In his quest to find someone worthy of running Twitter after he steps down, Elon Musk announced this week that he has hidden five golden tickets in Tesla cars around the world.
In his quest to find someone worthy of running Twitter after he steps down, Elon Musk announced this week that he has hidden five golden tickets in Tesla cars around the world.
 
The Dark Knight of Gotham looks like he may finally hang up the cape for good after a poll of Arkham inmates revealed most of them wish for Bruce Wayne to step down as Batman.
The Dark Knight of Gotham looks like he may finally hang up the cape for good after a poll of Arkham inmates revealed most of them wish for Bruce Wayne to step down as Batman.
 
Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.
Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.
 
Emerging from deep within the lower levels of a high-security Hollywood laboratory, Hallmark researchers have surfaced to announce they are finally nearing the development of a second movie plot.
Emerging from deep within the lower levels of a high-security Hollywood laboratory, Hallmark researchers have surfaced to announce they are finally nearing the development of a second movie plot.
 
Just in time for the upcoming holiday season, popular Christian singer-songwriter Chris Tomlin has excitedly unveiled a brand new, completely original Christmas song titled "Silent Night."
Just in time for the upcoming holiday season, popular Christian singer-songwriter Chris Tomlin has excitedly unveiled a brand new, completely original Christmas song titled "Silent Night."
 
After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter's leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.
After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter's leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.
 
The Canadian Medical System has officially rolled out its own "Life Alert" which provides immediate, medically-assisted death to geriatric patients who push the button.
The Canadian Medical System has officially rolled out its own "Life Alert" which provides immediate, medically-assisted death to geriatric patients who push the button.
 
The publisher Zondervan has released a new Bible translation where the words "if you know what I mean" have been added to the end of every verse in Song of Solomon.
The publisher Zondervan has released a new Bible translation where the words "if you know what I mean" have been added to the end of every verse in Song of Solomon.
 
Journalists have become increasingly concerned about a rising trend of journalists having to follow the same rules as everyone else.
Journalists have become increasingly concerned about a rising trend of journalists having to follow the same rules as everyone else.
 
In a solemn moment of solidarity, The Washington Post has lowered the flags at all its buildings nationwide to half-staff in remembrance of the brave journalists who were suspended from Twitter by Elon Musk.
In a solemn moment of solidarity, The Washington Post has lowered the flags at all its buildings nationwide to half-staff in remembrance of the brave journalists who were suspended from Twitter by Elon Musk.
 
Local "Coco Loco" waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.
Local "Coco Loco" waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.
 
After journalists this week experienced the terrible ignominy of a brief suspension from Twitter, the media has begun calling for some sort of constitutional amendment that would protect people's right to speak.
After journalists this week experienced the terrible ignominy of a brief suspension from Twitter, the media has begun calling for some sort of constitutional amendment that would protect people's right to speak.
 
At the direction of the FBI, the National Archives has released all of the government's documents related to John F. Kennedy's assassination - except for the document that says the FBI killed President Kennedy.
At the direction of the FBI, the National Archives has released all of the government's documents related to John F. Kennedy's assassination - except for the document that says the FBI killed President Kennedy.
 
Local dad Michael Cochran explained to his kids that this year, he felt confident that Santa would rather find some beer and cigars waiting at the bottom of the chimney than milk and cookies.
Local dad Michael Cochran explained to his kids that this year, he felt confident that Santa would rather find some beer and cigars waiting at the bottom of the chimney than milk and cookies.
 
After several days of hearings, a Connecticut jury has found Alex Jones guilty of defamation and has sentenced him to death.
After several days of hearings, a Connecticut jury has found Alex Jones guilty of defamation and has sentenced him to death.
 
On the heels of President Biden announcing the release of those imprisoned for non-violent marijuana offenses, Kamala Harris is demanding answers on who locked all those people up in the first place.
On the heels of President Biden announcing the release of those imprisoned for non-violent marijuana offenses, Kamala Harris is demanding answers on who locked all those people up in the first place.
 
With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.
With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.
 
Quarterback Tom Brady is growing increasingly frustrated with his offensive line after they once again failed to protect him in a brutal loss to the Steelers.
Quarterback Tom Brady is growing increasingly frustrated with his offensive line after they once again failed to protect him in a brutal loss to the Steelers.
 
In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight."
In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight."
 
Last week, PayPal faced backlash after including verbiage in its Acceptable Use Policy that allowed the company to fine users $2,500 for "misinformation."
Last week, PayPal faced backlash after including verbiage in its Acceptable Use Policy that allowed the company to fine users $2,500 for "misinformation."
 
Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden's handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women's hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.
Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden's handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women's hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.
 
Registered Nurse Claire Bishop was devasted by the thought that TikTok might be banned in the U.S., a "nightmare scenario" which would force her to actually care for sick patients instead of just doing the latest, most trendy dances with the other nurses.
Registered Nurse Claire Bishop was devasted by the thought that TikTok might be banned in the U.S., a "nightmare scenario" which would force her to actually care for sick patients instead of just doing the latest, most trendy dances with the other nurses.
 
While some have called trading Britney Griner for Russia's "Merchant Of Death" the worst trade in the history of trades, the Biden administration isn't done yet! Here are 10 more trades our Commander-In-Chief is planning to make before 2023 is over.
While some have called trading Britney Griner for Russia's "Merchant Of Death" the worst trade in the history of trades, the Biden administration isn't done yet! Here are 10 more trades our Commander-In-Chief is planning to make before 2023 is over.
 
In order to entice more customers who are looking for a real, authentic Italian dining experience, Olive Garden is now requiring all their wait staff to use that funny hand gesture Italian people always use.
In order to entice more customers who are looking for a real, authentic Italian dining experience, Olive Garden is now requiring all their wait staff to use that funny hand gesture Italian people always use.
 
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