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A local man was left frustrated early this morning upon finding out that he was expected to make coffee despite the fact that he hadn't even had his morning coffee yet.
A local man was left frustrated early this morning upon finding out that he was expected to make coffee despite the fact that he hadn't even had his morning coffee yet.
 
Are you and your backward family still following those outdated family traditions? It's time to drop those archaic and meaningless activities for some family traditions that actually matter!
Are you and your backward family still following those outdated family traditions? It's time to drop those archaic and meaningless activities for some family traditions that actually matter!
 
In its latest bid to promote homeschooling, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention voted to recommend the COVID vaccine be given as part of routine yearly immunizations for all schoolchildren.
In its latest bid to promote homeschooling, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention voted to recommend the COVID vaccine be given as part of routine yearly immunizations for all schoolchildren.
 
The coveted Pennsylvania Senate race is now a toss-up as Mehmet Oz is now running neck and neck and neck with John Fetterman. Fetterman's lead has dwindled days ahead of the midterms as he found himself neck-deep in concerns about his health.
The coveted Pennsylvania Senate race is now a toss-up as Mehmet Oz is now running neck and neck and neck with John Fetterman. Fetterman's lead has dwindled days ahead of the midterms as he found himself neck-deep in concerns about his health.
 
Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams made headlines this week by saying women can offset the cost of children by aborting them.
Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams made headlines this week by saying women can offset the cost of children by aborting them.
 
Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss's resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.
Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss's resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.
 
Having finally begun his read-through-the-Bible-In-A-Year plan in August, local man Lance LeShaun finally arrived at the passage in which God commands the Israelites to avoid their wives for 7 days when they are on their menstrual cycles.
Having finally begun his read-through-the-Bible-In-A-Year plan in August, local man Lance LeShaun finally arrived at the passage in which God commands the Israelites to avoid their wives for 7 days when they are on their menstrual cycles.
 
ATHENS, GA – Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams shocked Americans this week when she insisted we need abortion because "having children is why you're worried about the price of gas."
ATHENS, GA – Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams shocked Americans this week when she insisted we need abortion because "having children is why you're worried about the price of gas."
 
Sources close to multi-platinum award-winning artist King David have confirmed that he just finished another Psalm, and he's convinced this one is a straight-up banger.
Sources close to multi-platinum award-winning artist King David have confirmed that he just finished another Psalm, and he's convinced this one is a straight-up banger.
 
Be alert! Horror movies are proven to murder your soul by decapitating it with a spiritual machete.
Be alert! Horror movies are proven to murder your soul by decapitating it with a spiritual machete.
 
The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden's comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden's comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
 
Debating a Libertarian can be tough because they do their research and the smell of bong water can be very distracting.
Debating a Libertarian can be tough because they do their research and the smell of bong water can be very distracting.
 
Pumpkin spice addiction is no joke. Experts agree that overdosing on the devilish concoction is the leading cause of death during the fall season. Stay vigilant and keep an eye out for these warning signs:
Pumpkin spice addiction is no joke. Experts agree that overdosing on the devilish concoction is the leading cause of death during the fall season. Stay vigilant and keep an eye out for these warning signs:
 
After Sunday evening's blowout loss to the Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter held a press conference in which he complained that their team faces "an unfair disadvantage by virtue of the fact that our organization is much, much worse than all the other teams."
After Sunday evening's blowout loss to the Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter held a press conference in which he complained that their team faces "an unfair disadvantage by virtue of the fact that our organization is much, much worse than all the other teams."
 
As the movement for greater diversity in sports continues to sweep the globe, the famed Kenyan marathon team has come under fire with experts sounding the alarm over the team's glaring lack of racial diversity.
As the movement for greater diversity in sports continues to sweep the globe, the famed Kenyan marathon team has come under fire with experts sounding the alarm over the team's glaring lack of racial diversity.
 
In a televised address from the oval office, President Joe Biden called for calm across the nation by falling asleep on national television.
In a televised address from the oval office, President Joe Biden called for calm across the nation by falling asleep on national television.
 
Apple, Inc. has once again astounded customers and shareholders alike by releasing new Airpods that conveniently come with one already lost for you.
Apple, Inc. has once again astounded customers and shareholders alike by releasing new Airpods that conveniently come with one already lost for you.
 
A spokesperson for Hell has rejected Biden's claim that the US economy is "strong as hell." Jay Rogers, Press Secretary for Satan, strongly criticized Biden's comparison of the US economy's strength to the underworld.
A spokesperson for Hell has rejected Biden's claim that the US economy is "strong as hell." Jay Rogers, Press Secretary for Satan, strongly criticized Biden's comparison of the US economy's strength to the underworld.
 
According to sources, Amazon founder and multi-billionaire Jeff Bezos still hasn't purchased a failing social media platform.
According to sources, Amazon founder and multi-billionaire Jeff Bezos still hasn't purchased a failing social media platform.
 
While printing out coloring pages for his kids, local man Struthers Gabblestein found himself buying a new computer game that he will have time to play when he retires at age 85.
While printing out coloring pages for his kids, local man Struthers Gabblestein found himself buying a new computer game that he will have time to play when he retires at age 85.
 
After unleashing another barrage of antisemitic comments, Ye has been named an honorary member of "The Squad".
After unleashing another barrage of antisemitic comments, Ye has been named an honorary member of "The Squad".
 
In response to overwhelming feedback, Disney has announced a new vacation package in which families pay $3,000 to not visit any Disney theme parks. Currently, only Disneyland in Anaheim and Disney World in Orlando are covered under the new ticketing option.
In response to overwhelming feedback, Disney has announced a new vacation package in which families pay $3,000 to not visit any Disney theme parks. Currently, only Disneyland in Anaheim and Disney World in Orlando are covered under the new ticketing option.
 
Best-selling children's book author Matt Walsh was rocked by controversy Tuesday after the FBI announced the seizure of over 48 GB of anime from his computer.
Best-selling children's book author Matt Walsh was rocked by controversy Tuesday after the FBI announced the seizure of over 48 GB of anime from his computer.
 
The Dallas Cowboys lost on the road to the Philadelphia Eagles over the weekend, but most of the team is reporting waves of relief to learn that the chorus of boos they heard the entire time was not for them, but for the honorary Captian for the coin toss, Jill Biden.
The Dallas Cowboys lost on the road to the Philadelphia Eagles over the weekend, but most of the team is reporting waves of relief to learn that the chorus of boos they heard the entire time was not for them, but for the honorary Captian for the coin toss, Jill Biden.
 
Vice President Kamala Harris had a rare moment of candor with the media today about why she's so terrible at talking.
Vice President Kamala Harris had a rare moment of candor with the media today about why she's so terrible at talking.
 
Polling data shows that Democrats have a chance of losing both chambers of Congress. But it's not all doom and gloom! Democrats have some noteworthy achievements under their belt that they can cite to remind Americans why they should stay in power.
Polling data shows that Democrats have a chance of losing both chambers of Congress. But it's not all doom and gloom! Democrats have some noteworthy achievements under their belt that they can cite to remind Americans why they should stay in power.
 
Interest in Drag Queen Story Hour has declined drastically across the country after several libraries chose to more accurately name them "Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour."
Interest in Drag Queen Story Hour has declined drastically across the country after several libraries chose to more accurately name them "Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour."
 
According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
 
With holiday festivities gearing up in the nation's capital, sources in the White House confirmed that First Lady Jill Biden has chosen her Halloween costume, which will include a white lab coat and stethoscope to make her look like a real doctor.
With holiday festivities gearing up in the nation's capital, sources in the White House confirmed that First Lady Jill Biden has chosen her Halloween costume, which will include a white lab coat and stethoscope to make her look like a real doctor.
 
In response to Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin's war with Ukraine resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians, the European Union has unanimously voted to designate Putin "a real jerk."
In response to Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin's war with Ukraine resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians, the European Union has unanimously voted to designate Putin "a real jerk."
 
Local man Jason Malone was disappointed to learn that his impressive Super Smash Bros skills have not really been considered during several recent interviews.
Local man Jason Malone was disappointed to learn that his impressive Super Smash Bros skills have not really been considered during several recent interviews.
 
Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable essential oils."
Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads "Smokeable essential oils."
 
Rather than going through the unmitigated awkwardness of sharing the gospel with his coworker Brad, local man Dave Cannon has instead quit his job and become a missionary to a remote village in Africa.
Rather than going through the unmitigated awkwardness of sharing the gospel with his coworker Brad, local man Dave Cannon has instead quit his job and become a missionary to a remote village in Africa.
 
A fierce Monopoly game night has once again made the very subtle transition into a murder mystery evening.
A fierce Monopoly game night has once again made the very subtle transition into a murder mystery evening.
 
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