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Babylon Bee's Entries

After raiding President Trump's home to ensure the security of Top-Secret documents, the FBI has immediately leaked the contents of those documents to the press so everyone would know how dangerous it was for them to be unsecured.
After raiding President Trump's home to ensure the security of Top-Secret documents, the FBI has immediately leaked the contents of those documents to the press so everyone would know how dangerous it was for them to be unsecured.
 
It's that time of year again when our wives, intoxicated by the powerful and mysterious aroma of pumpkin spice, break out the autumn decor and transform your home into a quaint slice of farmhouse heaven. But how much is too much?
It's that time of year again when our wives, intoxicated by the powerful and mysterious aroma of pumpkin spice, break out the autumn decor and transform your home into a quaint slice of farmhouse heaven. But how much is too much?
 
The Washington Post headquarters saw an unexpected intrusion this week after a real-live journalist became disoriented and mistakenly entered their building.
The Washington Post headquarters saw an unexpected intrusion this week after a real-live journalist became disoriented and mistakenly entered their building.
 
Georgia Gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams sounded the alarm to her fellow 2022 candidates this morning, claiming in a press conference that the 2022 midterm elections have already been stolen.
Georgia Gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams sounded the alarm to her fellow 2022 candidates this morning, claiming in a press conference that the 2022 midterm elections have already been stolen.
 
With skyrocketing costs and grid failures across California, the Californian government is recommending everyone purchase a giant human-sized hamster wheel to generate electricity to charge their electric cars.
With skyrocketing costs and grid failures across California, the Californian government is recommending everyone purchase a giant human-sized hamster wheel to generate electricity to charge their electric cars.
 
Officials running the FBI investigation into former President Donald Trump's possession of allegedly classified nuclear documents were sent scrambling to halt their work after learning the documents in question are actually just printed-out emails from Hillary Clinton
Officials running the FBI investigation into former President Donald Trump's possession of allegedly classified nuclear documents were sent scrambling to halt their work after learning the documents in question are actually just printed-out emails from Hillary Clinton
 
Joe Biden has once again hit the campaign trail to give speeches about America's soul and tout his credentials as a fighter for equality.
Joe Biden has once again hit the campaign trail to give speeches about America's soul and tout his credentials as a fighter for equality.
 
This week the Kremlin announced a sanction on over 25 persons, including Sean Penn and Ben Stiller.
This week the Kremlin announced a sanction on over 25 persons, including Sean Penn and Ben Stiller.
 
Hey there, person! Are you still using electricity? We all know electricity makes the earth cry, which is why California recently banned it altogether.
Hey there, person! Are you still using electricity? We all know electricity makes the earth cry, which is why California recently banned it altogether.
 
Local wife Thelma Looverton has reportedly taken to using incognito mode to browse fall-scented candles. Her home currently holds 137 fall-scented candles that her husband knows about.
Local wife Thelma Looverton has reportedly taken to using incognito mode to browse fall-scented candles. Her home currently holds 137 fall-scented candles that her husband knows about.
 
The world's leading Christian fast food chain suffered a tragedy today as the manager of a local Chick-Fil-A was apparently struck dead shortly after playing secular music in the restaurant.
The world's leading Christian fast food chain suffered a tragedy today as the manager of a local Chick-Fil-A was apparently struck dead shortly after playing secular music in the restaurant.
 
Governor Gavin Newsom has declared a power grid emergency due to energy usage being at a 5-year high.
 
Sources indicate that the last holdout still wearing full business attire to his work-from-home job has finally caved, going pantsless to his Zoom meetings this morning.
Sources indicate that the last holdout still wearing full business attire to his work-from-home job has finally caved, going pantsless to his Zoom meetings this morning.
 
The FBI claims to have mounting evidence and probable cause to justify an additional raid of Mike Lindell, this time of his home and MyPillow manufacturing plant.
The FBI claims to have mounting evidence and probable cause to justify an additional raid of Mike Lindell, this time of his home and MyPillow manufacturing plant.
 
Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic has been declared the champion of the 2022 US Open, as all the other contestants have died suddenly of mysterious heart attacks.
Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic has been declared the champion of the 2022 US Open, as all the other contestants have died suddenly of mysterious heart attacks.
 
CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky held a press conference to warn the public about a deadly new "stealth" COVID-19 variant that causes negative test results and causes no symptoms.
CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky held a press conference to warn the public about a deadly new "stealth" COVID-19 variant that causes negative test results and causes no symptoms.
 
An anonymous White House aide has leaked sensitive information which confirms the validity of rumors that have long been circulating throughout the nation's capital: Joe Biden "quiet quit" the presidency several months ago.
An anonymous White House aide has leaked sensitive information which confirms the validity of rumors that have long been circulating throughout the nation's capital: Joe Biden "quiet quit" the presidency several months ago.
 
This week, the California State Assembly announced that they have passed a new measure requiring men to demonstrate solidarity with the trans community by sitting when they pee.
This week, the California State Assembly announced that they have passed a new measure requiring men to demonstrate solidarity with the trans community by sitting when they pee.
 
Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, had his cell phone seized by the FBI this week. The FBI is pursuing subpoenas on additional data and documents from the "My Pillow Guy," but has been unable to breach his MyPillow fort thus far.
Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, had his cell phone seized by the FBI this week. The FBI is pursuing subpoenas on additional data and documents from the "My Pillow Guy," but has been unable to breach his MyPillow fort thus far.
 
After yet another delay, NASA is halting immediate plans to pursue an Artemis I launch and will scrap the program altogether and fake another moon landing instead.
After yet another delay, NASA is halting immediate plans to pursue an Artemis I launch and will scrap the program altogether and fake another moon landing instead.
 
Former President Trump has continued his steadfast work helping the Democrats retain control of the Senate, so that everyone will really, really miss him by the time 2024 gets here.
Former President Trump has continued his steadfast work helping the Democrats retain control of the Senate, so that everyone will really, really miss him by the time 2024 gets here.
 
After receiving his Halloween costume in the mail early and trying it on, local child Ryden Hollister declared boldly that he would not be removing the costume for the next 8 weeks.
After receiving his Halloween costume in the mail early and trying it on, local child Ryden Hollister declared boldly that he would not be removing the costume for the next 8 weeks.
 
According to sources, famed college football coach Brian Kelly stubbornly refused to listen to local man Mark Johnson when he repeatedly yelled "CALL A TIME OUT!!!" at his TV.
According to sources, famed college football coach Brian Kelly stubbornly refused to listen to local man Mark Johnson when he repeatedly yelled "CALL A TIME OUT!!!" at his TV.
 
A 3.9-magnitude earthquake over the weekend caused thousands of Californians to pull up Twitter on their phones and post asking if anyone else felt the earthquake.
A 3.9-magnitude earthquake over the weekend caused thousands of Californians to pull up Twitter on their phones and post asking if anyone else felt the earthquake.
 
In a stirring call for unity and peace in America, President Biden today called for killing off half the country.
In a stirring call for unity and peace in America, President Biden today called for killing off half the country.
 
Officials from the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation were forced to defend themselves today as news came out that many of the file folders confiscated in the raid of former President Donald Trump's residence at Mar-A-Lago were empty.
Officials from the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation were forced to defend themselves today as news came out that many of the file folders confiscated in the raid of former President Donald Trump's residence at Mar-A-Lago were empty.
 
Local woman Sabrina McKenzie asked her husband to please go on an epic quest of mythologic proportions, since he was already up anyways to go to the bathroom.
Local woman Sabrina McKenzie asked her husband to please go on an epic quest of mythologic proportions, since he was already up anyways to go to the bathroom.
 
Having politically weaponized federal law enforcement for his own political gain, President Biden has now taken to the airwaves to warn that democracy is in real danger.
Having politically weaponized federal law enforcement for his own political gain, President Biden has now taken to the airwaves to warn that democracy is in real danger.
 
Local man Alex Gleitz began wondering today if he ought to perhaps do the dishes, having found himself eating Honey Nut Cheerios out of a flower vase.
Local man Alex Gleitz began wondering today if he ought to perhaps do the dishes, having found himself eating Honey Nut Cheerios out of a flower vase.
 
Amazon's new Rings of Power fanfiction is being somewhat warmly received by critics, but the audience is divided, with lots of negative reviews being posted alongside people who thought it was fine.
Amazon's new Rings of Power fanfiction is being somewhat warmly received by critics, but the audience is divided, with lots of negative reviews being posted alongside people who thought it was fine.
 
After collecting data from thousands of toilets across the country, dog scientists have definitively determined that toilet water contains essential nutrients not found in a water bowl.
After collecting data from thousands of toilets across the country, dog scientists have definitively determined that toilet water contains essential nutrients not found in a water bowl.
 
The war having turned against him, Biden has reportedly taken a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker.
The war having turned against him, Biden has reportedly taken a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker.
 
Biden's forces hit a major stumbling block Friday as they were unable to reach USSR's capital of Moscow before the harsh Siberian winter weather hit.
Biden's forces hit a major stumbling block Friday as they were unable to reach USSR's capital of Moscow before the harsh Siberian winter weather hit.
 
Biden has announced a "defensive war" against Poland, after claiming that Poland had acted as the aggressor and launched unprovoked attacks on the United States.
Biden has announced a "defensive war" against Poland, after claiming that Poland had acted as the aggressor and launched unprovoked attacks on the United States.
 
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