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Babylon Bee's Entries

A recent study published by the American Federation of Teachers has revealed remarkable progress in educating America's youth. Notably, the study reports the nation's fourth-graders are now gay at a 12th-grade level.
A recent study published by the American Federation of Teachers has revealed remarkable progress in educating America's youth. Notably, the study reports the nation's fourth-graders are now gay at a 12th-grade level.
 
Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk's children inside without sacrificing comfort.
Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk's children inside without sacrificing comfort.
 
Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.
Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.
 
America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old.
America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old.
 
Summers can be a great time for fathers to spend more time with their children. But what are you going to do with them? If you're not coming up with constant activities you'll be overwhelmed with complaints of boredom. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
Summers can be a great time for fathers to spend more time with their children. But what are you going to do with them? If you're not coming up with constant activities you'll be overwhelmed with complaints of boredom. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
 
In a prudent move to mitigate the effects of inflation on everyday families with the last name of "Biden," President Joe Biden sold a million barrels from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves to COBRA
In a prudent move to mitigate the effects of inflation on everyday families with the last name of "Biden," President Joe Biden sold a million barrels from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves to COBRA
 
After months of anticipation, the Johnson family finally left for vacation this morning, eager to see what urgent cares look like across the country.
After months of anticipation, the Johnson family finally left for vacation this morning, eager to see what urgent cares look like across the country.
 
Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick up Jane's most prized item
Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick up Jane's most prized item
 
After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.
After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.
 
The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.
The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.
 
Frightening But 100% True Facts About Guns
Frightening But 100% True Facts About Guns
 
Mattel Introduces Pregnant Ken
 
You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.
You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.
 
Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:
Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:
 
Satan Responds To Roe V. Wade Overturn
 
Spelling Bee Contestant Asks The Definition Of 'Woman'
Spelling Bee Contestant Asks The Definition Of 'Woman'
 
Local man Jeremy Rawls and his good friend Luis Dominguez reached a milestone today, having now communicated using only Steve Carell GIFs for eight months straight.
Local man Jeremy Rawls and his good friend Luis Dominguez reached a milestone today, having now communicated using only Steve Carell GIFs for eight months straight.
 
Husband scientists employed with the Smithsonian Institution have discovered a strange basket holding dirty clothes, and so far are completely baffled by where it came from or what its use could be.
Husband scientists employed with the Smithsonian Institution have discovered a strange basket holding dirty clothes, and so far are completely baffled by where it came from or what its use could be.
 
According to sources, local retriever Buddy has decided to graciously allow his owners to sleep in his bed whenever they want.
According to sources, local retriever Buddy has decided to graciously allow his owners to sleep in his bed whenever they want.
 
A recently-published study presented a worrying statistic regarding the masses of Californians migrating to other states. The study finds 92% of those fleeing the Golden State don't survive the first winter.
A recently-published study presented a worrying statistic regarding the masses of Californians migrating to other states. The study finds 92% of those fleeing the Golden State don't survive the first winter.
 
During a SpaceX shareholder meeting Elon Musk, father of nine children with three different women, quietly admitted he only wanted to go to Mars to get some peace and quiet.
During a SpaceX shareholder meeting Elon Musk, father of nine children with three different women, quietly admitted he only wanted to go to Mars to get some peace and quiet.
 
President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn't actually smell like strawberries.
President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn't actually smell like strawberries.
 
The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry.
The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry.
 
President Biden made significant progress in transgender rights this week by signing an executive order that allows the Affordable Care Act to cover gender transition surgery and hormone therapy.
President Biden made significant progress in transgender rights this week by signing an executive order that allows the Affordable Care Act to cover gender transition surgery and hormone therapy.
 
According to sources, a local woman who calls unborn babies "parasites" has condemned pro-life people for being inhumane.
According to sources, a local woman who calls unborn babies "parasites" has condemned pro-life people for being inhumane.
 
After Disney's Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions added.
After Disney's Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions added.
 
A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human.
A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human.
 
Local husband and father Hank Parsons stopped by the grocery store today on the way home "to pick up a few steaks to ruin for dinner," sources at the Parsons household confirmed.
Local husband and father Hank Parsons stopped by the grocery store today on the way home "to pick up a few steaks to ruin for dinner," sources at the Parsons household confirmed.
 
Hollywood actresses are sounding the alarm over the undoing of Roe v. Wade, warning that if their right to abortion is stripped away they may have to hire expensive nannies to watch their unwanted children while they attend award shows.
Hollywood actresses are sounding the alarm over the undoing of Roe v. Wade, warning that if their right to abortion is stripped away they may have to hire expensive nannies to watch their unwanted children while they attend award shows.
 
Fox Searchlight Pictures is asking its customers to return copies of its 2007 sleeper hit Juno after it was discovered that old DVD copies falsely attribute the starring role to an Ellen Page, who sources say has never existed.
Fox Searchlight Pictures is asking its customers to return copies of its 2007 sleeper hit Juno after it was discovered that old DVD copies falsely attribute the starring role to an Ellen Page, who sources say has never existed.
 
Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You'll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that's in store for you.
Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You'll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that's in store for you.
 
According to sources within the heavenly realm, the promised reward of a mansion for all believers will be augmented for VBS volunteers with the gift of a brand new, perfect Tesla upon arrival.
According to sources within the heavenly realm, the promised reward of a mansion for all believers will be augmented for VBS volunteers with the gift of a brand new, perfect Tesla upon arrival.
 
In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it's too late for Mother Earth to recover.
In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it's too late for Mother Earth to recover.
 
Local man Bob Bean, who pays 39% of his income to the Federal Government, celebrated his status as a free man living in America this weekend.
Local man Bob Bean, who pays 39% of his income to the Federal Government, celebrated his status as a free man living in America this weekend.
 
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