Explosive Report Reveals Southern Baptists Have Been Drinking This Whole Time | Beaufort County Now | A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    NASHVILLE, TN     A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades.

    "The evidence is conclusive: 'We don't drink, we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do' was a total sham. Who would've thought the SBC would be hypocritical or secretive about anything?" said the lead investigator.

    The independent report enumerated a shocking array of alcoholic beverages that Baptists have been secretly imbibing, including O'Douls, spiked sweet tea Arnold Palmer's, and even sparkling wines (diluted with water for safety). Despite the report's certainty, 100% of Baptists still deny these charges.

    The report included even more shocking details, demonstrating that many Southern Baptists also own and utilize playing cards. The revelations have reverberated across Southern states, with rank-and-file church members expressing outrage over being accused of playing "games" as anti-biblical as "Go Fish," "Old Maid," and "Rummy." Over 99% of Southern Baptists have clutched their pearls while their jaws fell open, with some needing smelling salts at "the very thought!"

    Finally, the document alleges that dancing is an "open secret" in the Southern Baptist Convention. This has caused the most consternation of all the charges, prompting Baptist pastors to defend their congregations from accusations of such rank immorality. The dances in question include sensual performances of "the Charleston," "the Waltz," and "the Macarena." Surprising no one, just under 101% of Baptists say that they can't understand this revelation either.

    At publishing time the SBC also insisted their leadership has also never engaged in sexual misconduct.
Go Back


Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Have you heard the latest? Uncle Joe is attempting to appropriate billions of dollars to a program designed to mandate that CRT is taught across the nation in OUR public schools.
Saule Omarova, Democrat President Joe Biden’s nominee for comptroller of the currency, has withdrawn her name from consideration for the position after facing increasing opposition to nomination over allegations that she was a Marxist.
The Federal Reserve announced an increase in interest rates Wednesday afternoon, boosting the cost of borrowing money by 0.75%, the largest increase in a single meeting in nearly 30 years.
Clarence Thomas tells us what we need to be working toward
Politicians in Washington are growing increasingly nervous, as the CDC has announced they have discovered the first case of Lizardpox on American shores.
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said on Sunday that suspending gas taxes is “certainly worth considering” amid rising energy prices.
Australia reportedly will not send officials to the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, China, in response to the communist nation’s genocide against religious minorities.
To what extent can a selective educational institution advantage certain racial groups in admissions decisions without discriminating against other groups simultaneously?
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen on Sunday blamed global factors for Americans’ spiraling purchasing power and declared a recession is “not at all inevitable,” despite a growing consensus the U.S. could soon find out one is already underway.


With the price of food skyrocketing and the value of Bitcoin plummeting, McDonald's restaurants across the world have rolled out a new value menu in which all items cost only 1 Bitcoin.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) slammed President Joe Biden during a speech on the Senate floor Tuesday over the unfolding crisis in Ukraine. Tens of thousands of Russian soldiers have been amassing near its border in what experts warn might be a prelude to an invasion.
The North Carolina State Health Plan and the National Academy for State Health Policy Find that North Carolina's Dominant Hospital Systems Recorded Billions of Dollars in Profits After Taking Taxpayer-Funded COVID Relief
Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL) got some unexpected praise late this week from media personality Bill Maher, who insisted that DeSantis would be better than former President Donald Trump.
Milestone Air Quality Legislation Paved Way for Significant Environmental and Clean Energy Efforts
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki took a shot at Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) during Tuesday’s press briefing over remarks that Ocasio-Cortez made about organized retail theft incidents that have plagued several major Democrat-controlled cities in recent weeks.
The United States of America has edged closer and closer to the Leftist maxim of "Abortion on Demand" whenever it is demanded, by whomever demands it, but now that ease of operation to alleviate oneself of that nagging little problem has come to a screeching halt.


the perverts are sexually grooming children with these drag queen events
The Department of Justice (DOJ) apparently blocked Republican senators from questioning a U.S. attorney on an ongoing federal investigation into President Joe Biden’s son, Hunter.
North Carolina Democratic Gov. Roy Cooper signed three bills into law yesterday, June 14, including one that legalizes FDA-approved THC medications.
SpaceX employees circulated an open letter criticizing CEO Elon Musk for his “behavior in the public sphere.” Those employees now find themselves out of a job, according to a Friday report from The New York Times.
there is one of the 14 RINOs who still faces a Senate primary


Back to Top