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Babylon Bee's Entries

IRVINE, CA — Jubilant revelry broke out yesterday following the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling against colleges using Affirmative Action policies in their admissions, with Asian American families celebrating by cutting loose with a five-minute study break.
IRVINE, CA — Jubilant revelry broke out yesterday following the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling against colleges using Affirmative Action policies in their admissions, with Asian American families celebrating by cutting loose with a five-minute study break.
 
Leftists are devastated this morning after the Supreme Court passed down a new ruling that will ban robbing those who didn't attend college to pay for the expensive and useless degrees of those who did.
Leftists are devastated this morning after the Supreme Court passed down a new ruling that will ban robbing those who didn't attend college to pay for the expensive and useless degrees of those who did.
 
It has been scientifically proven that it's impossible to know what women want (and we all know you can't question science). In fact, there is usually a vast discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually want.
It has been scientifically proven that it's impossible to know what women want (and we all know you can't question science). In fact, there is usually a vast discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually want.
 
Admissions faculty at Harvard was devastated today upon hearing the news that they could no longer use racial discrimination to turn their school into a diverse rainbow of beautiful mediocrity.
Admissions faculty at Harvard was devastated today upon hearing the news that they could no longer use racial discrimination to turn their school into a diverse rainbow of beautiful mediocrity.
 
In the wake of public outcry over the murderous evil clown Pennywise telling the townspeople "I'm coming for your children," the local NBC affiliate is assuring residents that the demonic creature is totally harmless and only joking.
In the wake of public outcry over the murderous evil clown Pennywise telling the townspeople "I'm coming for your children," the local NBC affiliate is assuring residents that the demonic creature is totally harmless and only joking.
 
In a statement labeled by his critics as a poor attempt at damage control, Hunter Biden sought to clarify that when he wrote a text message to a Chinese government official saying he was "sitting next to my father," he was actually referring to his Heavenly Father.
In a statement labeled by his critics as a poor attempt at damage control, Hunter Biden sought to clarify that when he wrote a text message to a Chinese government official saying he was "sitting next to my father," he was actually referring to his Heavenly Father.
 
Witnesses claim the inaugural MMA training session for Twitter CEO Elon Musk began in confusion as UFC fighter Georges St-Pierre calmly explained to the world's richest man that no, mind-control flamethrower drones were not allowed in competitions.
Witnesses claim the inaugural MMA training session for Twitter CEO Elon Musk began in confusion as UFC fighter Georges St-Pierre calmly explained to the world's richest man that no, mind-control flamethrower drones were not allowed in competitions.
 
In an extremely awkward moment, six Supreme Court justices ruled that affirmative action is unconstitutional, completely forgetting that affirmative action hire Ketanji Brown Jackson was sitting right there next to them.
In an extremely awkward moment, six Supreme Court justices ruled that affirmative action is unconstitutional, completely forgetting that affirmative action hire Ketanji Brown Jackson was sitting right there next to them.
 
Democrats in mourning today after the Supreme Court ruled that racial discrimination in college admissions is unconstitutional. Left-wing experts say this will greatly hinder their God-given right to fight racism by being racist.
Democrats in mourning today after the Supreme Court ruled that racial discrimination in college admissions is unconstitutional. Left-wing experts say this will greatly hinder their God-given right to fight racism by being racist.
 
As we all know firsthand, maintaining an international bribery operation is hard work. Keeping the money flowing in without getting busted by the authorities can be tricky.
As we all know firsthand, maintaining an international bribery operation is hard work. Keeping the money flowing in without getting busted by the authorities can be tricky.
 
According to sources, President Biden's son Hunter was seen over the weekend dropping off another truckload of salacious family secrets and criminal evidence at the local Goodwill donation center, as is his custom.
According to sources, President Biden's son Hunter was seen over the weekend dropping off another truckload of salacious family secrets and criminal evidence at the local Goodwill donation center, as is his custom.
 
It was announced this week that New York City would be cracking down on emissions from coal and wood-burning pizza ovens.
It was announced this week that New York City would be cracking down on emissions from coal and wood-burning pizza ovens.
 
As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.
As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.
 
Following the release of the latest chapter in the Indiana Jones series, Hollywood producers worry they're running out of cherished classic movie heroes to turn into sad, pathetic, old failures.
Following the release of the latest chapter in the Indiana Jones series, Hollywood producers worry they're running out of cherished classic movie heroes to turn into sad, pathetic, old failures.
 
Facing mounting criticism over inflation and families struggling to make ends meet, President Joe Biden publicly boasted about how well his administration has handled the Ukrainian economy.
Facing mounting criticism over inflation and families struggling to make ends meet, President Joe Biden publicly boasted about how well his administration has handled the Ukrainian economy.
 
According to sources, a female comic has broken a world record after going a full six seconds into her stand-up bit without mentioning her vagina even once. The previous record held by Amy Schumer was a mere 2 seconds.
According to sources, a female comic has broken a world record after going a full six seconds into her stand-up bit without mentioning her vagina even once. The previous record held by Amy Schumer was a mere 2 seconds.
 
Every husband knows the feeling. Your wife is mad — at you — and you have some work to do to fix it. The hard part is knowing what to do if you want to smooth things over.
Every husband knows the feeling. Your wife is mad — at you — and you have some work to do to fix it. The hard part is knowing what to do if you want to smooth things over.
 
A new report confirmed by multiple sources indicates the guy driving in front of you has the absolute nerve to drive the legal speed limit on the one-lane freeway you're driving on. What a jerk!
A new report confirmed by multiple sources indicates the guy driving in front of you has the absolute nerve to drive the legal speed limit on the one-lane freeway you're driving on. What a jerk!
 
Mysterious masked vigilantes who previously called the sewers of Manhattan their home have fled the city in protest because of new restrictions on pizza ovens mandated by the Department of Environmental Protection.
Mysterious masked vigilantes who previously called the sewers of Manhattan their home have fled the city in protest because of new restrictions on pizza ovens mandated by the Department of Environmental Protection.
 
Former President Donald Trump continues to find himself on the receiving end of serious legal charges after being indicted in New York for eating pizza cooked in a wood-burning oven.
Former President Donald Trump continues to find himself on the receiving end of serious legal charges after being indicted in New York for eating pizza cooked in a wood-burning oven.
 
Local man Dean Richardson caused a rift to open in the space-time continuum this morning when he foolishly used a credit card to purchase a Dave Ramsey book.
Local man Dean Richardson caused a rift to open in the space-time continuum this morning when he foolishly used a credit card to purchase a Dave Ramsey book.
 
A 40-year medical research project has concluded that the number 1 cause of injury among boys aged 3-18 years is jumping off a roof with an umbrella.
A 40-year medical research project has concluded that the number 1 cause of injury among boys aged 3-18 years is jumping off a roof with an umbrella.
 
In order to save the environment from the intoxicating smell of delicious New York pizza cooked in a woodfire oven, Mayor Eric Adams has announced that all pizza must now be cooked under the hand dryer of a public restroom.
In order to save the environment from the intoxicating smell of delicious New York pizza cooked in a woodfire oven, Mayor Eric Adams has announced that all pizza must now be cooked under the hand dryer of a public restroom.
 
Satan was reportedly pleased this past weekend after an adorable little baby unintentionally served his dark will by distracting people in the pew behind him at a local church and preventing them from hearing the sermon.
Satan was reportedly pleased this past weekend after an adorable little baby unintentionally served his dark will by distracting people in the pew behind him at a local church and preventing them from hearing the sermon.
 
Conservative commentator Matt Walsh has sparked controversy once again by appearing on the hit show Jeopardy! and responding to every answer with his now-infamous catchphrase, "What is a woman?"
Conservative commentator Matt Walsh has sparked controversy once again by appearing on the hit show Jeopardy! and responding to every answer with his now-infamous catchphrase, "What is a woman?"
 
A local 10-year-old boy has died tragically of severe trauma due to his mother taking away his Nintendo Switch for a few days.
A local 10-year-old boy has died tragically of severe trauma due to his mother taking away his Nintendo Switch for a few days.
 
A man sitting in state prison for exposing himself to kids at a local playground is kicking himself that he didn't just wait and do it at a pride parade instead.
A man sitting in state prison for exposing himself to kids at a local playground is kicking himself that he didn't just wait and do it at a pride parade instead.
 
President Volodymyr Zelensky breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning an attempted coup in Russia had failed, all but guaranteeing that war with Russia would continue, possibly forever.
President Volodymyr Zelensky breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning an attempted coup in Russia had failed, all but guaranteeing that war with Russia would continue, possibly forever.
 
A celebration broke out in Missouri's capital today after word came in that the state had successfully placed every single freeway, road, and bridge under construction all at the same time.
A celebration broke out in Missouri's capital today after word came in that the state had successfully placed every single freeway, road, and bridge under construction all at the same time.
 
Members of the media were left confused today after White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre deployed a smoke bomb on the ground and disappeared in a cloud when questioned about Hunter Biden's incriminating text messages with a Chinese Communist operative.
Members of the media were left confused today after White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre deployed a smoke bomb on the ground and disappeared in a cloud when questioned about Hunter Biden's incriminating text messages with a Chinese Communist operative.
 
In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
 
A sermon by local youth pastor Rob Lambert entitled "Imploding The Submersible of Sin In Your life" was panned by congregants for being way, way too soon.
A sermon by local youth pastor Rob Lambert entitled "Imploding The Submersible of Sin In Your life" was panned by congregants for being way, way too soon.
 
In a display of liturgical fashion innovation, the Anglican Church has officially unveiled tuck-friendly vestments to accommodate priests who dress up as priestesses.
In a display of liturgical fashion innovation, the Anglican Church has officially unveiled tuck-friendly vestments to accommodate priests who dress up as priestesses.
 
The Department of Justice announced they have found zero evidence of bribery in a photograph of Hunter Biden carrying a bag of cash next to President Biden holding a sign that reads, "Will Trade Political Favors 4 Cash."
The Department of Justice announced they have found zero evidence of bribery in a photograph of Hunter Biden carrying a bag of cash next to President Biden holding a sign that reads, "Will Trade Political Favors 4 Cash."
 
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