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A local family was faced with a difficult decision this week regarding whether to place their beloved grandpa in hospice care or have him announce a campaign for a U.S. Senate seat.
Published: Thursday, August 3rd, 2023 @ 1:09 am
By: Babylon Bee
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There are some great ideas out there, but many have trouble getting the funding they need thanks to censorship from woke fundraising sites. This is unacceptable!
Published: Thursday, August 3rd, 2023 @ 12:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local man felt discouraged this morning during his daily weigh-in after discovering every calorie he burned competing in a triathlon yesterday was gained back by taking one bite of a donut.
Published: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 @ 2:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who both is black and gay, declared she will no longer be answering questions from reporters during the press briefing.
Published: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 @ 3:13 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local straight man, husband, and father of three Lyle Flann locked himself in his room to secretly enjoy Pitch Perfect again, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Published: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 @ 3:00 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local man found himself facing charges of blasphemy after he was caught walking on the city's hallowed rainbow crosswalk without removing his sandals in reverence.
Published: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 @ 2:04 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local woman has assured her husband she'll definitely be "in the mood" if he rubs her back for at least three hours.
Published: Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 @ 8:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The five-year criminal investigation of Hunter Biden came to a close this morning, with the presiding judge finding Hunter guilty of "being a lovable rascal with a heart of gold."
Published: Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 @ 6:44 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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KYIV — After it was revealed that an accounting error inadvertently sent another $6.2 billion to Ukraine, President Zelensky admitted he has already spent all the money from the accounting error as well as the money from the next three accounting errors.
Published: Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 @ 2:47 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Solemnly addressing reporters on the White House lawn today, President Biden vowed to send a rescue train in search of the OceanGate Titan, a submersible that went missing on Sunday while diving to reach the wreckage of the Titanic.
Published: Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 @ 7:51 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Secretary of State Antony Blinken sparked controversy this weekend by voicing opposition to Taiwan independence. In response, Taiwan is kicking itself for not bribing the Bidens as was done by Ukraine and others.
Published: Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 @ 7:32 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Servants at the royal palace were startled late last night by angry screams as King Saul flew into a rage after David, the young man brought in to calm him down by playing the harp, would not stop playing the opening riff from Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water."
Published: Monday, July 31st, 2023 @ 6:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a brazen and shameful example of brutal cyberbullying, podcast host Joe Rogan has invited pro-vaccine health expert Doctor Peter Hotez to come on his show and explain his position to millions of listeners.
Published: Monday, July 31st, 2023 @ 5:31 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden, has successfully negotiated an agreement with federal prosecutors to avoid jail time for charges of tax and firearm crimes by pleading "Biden."
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 9:49 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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According to reports, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau lit up a Cuban cigar to honor his dad on Father's Day.
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 5:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In an inspiring international gesture in honor of Pride Month, the frozen corpses of climbers on Mount Everest have been heavily decorated to reflect the celebration's rainbow theme.
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 8:39 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A newly married couple had determined the Lord is directing them to wait a while to have children after they spent the past week volunteering to serve in Vacation Bible School at their church.
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 6:11 am
By: Babylon Bee
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At the annual dinner for the League of Conservation Voters in Washington, President Biden wowed the crowd by announcing ambitious plans to build a state-of-the-art train — in space.
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 5:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With the burger chain Five Guys growing to include more than 1,700 locations, a sixth guy is currently kicking himself for choosing to leave the business in its early stages.
Published: Saturday, July 29th, 2023 @ 11:23 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Prominent theologians speculated the world may be on the cusp of a new outpouring of the Holy Spirit after President Joe Biden and Senator John Fetterman began speaking in unknown languages and tongues of fire came to rest on them during a joint public appearance.
Published: Saturday, July 29th, 2023 @ 4:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A brief commotion arose outside the Delaware District Court today, as Hunter Biden was seen trying to weigh large quantities of crack cocaine on the scales held by a statue of Lady Justice.
Published: Saturday, July 29th, 2023 @ 3:44 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Thousands of scientific experts have come forward to proclaim that while they have no idea what on earth could be causing the dramatic rise in autism among small children, they are 100% totally sure it's definitely not vaccines.
Published: Friday, July 28th, 2023 @ 11:36 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local mom Chloe Levy joined the ranks of saints gone before, saving a sermon from disaster by pulling out an emergency supply of Cheerios.
Published: Friday, July 28th, 2023 @ 4:02 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a touching Father's Day gesture, Hunter Biden has negotiated for twelve percent of incoming bribes from foreign governments to go to his Dad.
Published: Friday, July 28th, 2023 @ 12:50 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In honor of the hundreds of billions of dollars being funneled to support the LGBTQ cause, the dollar sign has officially been added as the newest member of the acronym.
Published: Friday, July 28th, 2023 @ 12:19 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources, Hunter Biden's plea deal fell through in court today after his bribery check to the judge bounced due to insufficient funds.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 6:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local wife Amanda Bowman raced against the clock today, trying to get the house in order before firefighters arrived to put out the massive blaze destroying the home.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 3:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Galactic Empire announced new merchandise today, with the Emperor releasing a special hat saying "But his Death Star".
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 10:16 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Devout local Christian Josh McKay has decided he can no longer in good conscience get wasted drinking Bud Light, and has therefore switched to scotch.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 9:38 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The crime surge in the Bay Area continues to lead to mass migration out of California, as skyrocketing crime rates have led the entire city of San Francisco to announce it is relocating to Texas.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 2:06 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A local woman shut her laptop quickly when her husband walked in the room and explained that she was only looking at Zillow to check how much their current house was worth and not to browse new homes.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 1:51 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local gangster Jabba the Hutt has threatened legal action against United Airlines, accusing the company of discrimination after he was charged for multiple seats on a flight. Hutt alleges he is being treated differently because of his weight.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 1:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
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It's almost time to celebrate America's birthday, which means millions of citizens will be putting on obnoxiously patriotic displays to totally irritate their liberal neighbors.
Published: Thursday, July 27th, 2023 @ 12:53 am
By: Babylon Bee
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ANAHEIM, CA — The owner of a local Chinese restaurant announced his retirement today, expressing his desire to step away from the daily grind and take the opportunity to spend far less time with his family.
Published: Wednesday, July 26th, 2023 @ 4:02 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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