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Babylon Bee's Entries

As part of his administration's top priority, President Joe Biden has vowed to eliminate all junk fees, though he clarified that his customary "10% for the Big Guy" fee will remain in place for all bribes and kickbacks.
As part of his administration's top priority, President Joe Biden has vowed to eliminate all junk fees, though he clarified that his customary "10% for the Big Guy" fee will remain in place for all bribes and kickbacks.
 
A dedicated mall enthusiast was left severely disappointed this week after a long-awaited trip to the National Mall failed to live up to expectations, with the visitor shocked to discover the lack of any of his favorite stores.
A dedicated mall enthusiast was left severely disappointed this week after a long-awaited trip to the National Mall failed to live up to expectations, with the visitor shocked to discover the lack of any of his favorite stores.
 
Former Secretary of State and renowned fingernail collector Hillary Clinton was spotted in downtown New York City sporting a "But Her Murder Victims" hat this week.
Former Secretary of State and renowned fingernail collector Hillary Clinton was spotted in downtown New York City sporting a "But Her Murder Victims" hat this week.
 
Local man Fredrick Biel spent time studying the Bible Thursday in his continuing quest for an impressive verse to share on social media, witnesses say.
Local man Fredrick Biel spent time studying the Bible Thursday in his continuing quest for an impressive verse to share on social media, witnesses say.
 
Speaking from the White House, President Biden announced his administration's bold plan to require all wildfires be electric by 2025.
Speaking from the White House, President Biden announced his administration's bold plan to require all wildfires be electric by 2025.
 
The nation united in grateful praise of President Trump this morning when it was revealed that he had protected government secrets from a devastating cyberattack by hiding them all in boxes at Mar-a-Lago.
The nation united in grateful praise of President Trump this morning when it was revealed that he had protected government secrets from a devastating cyberattack by hiding them all in boxes at Mar-a-Lago.
 
Facing increased backlash and negative public attention amid what is perceived by many to be an aggressive assault on traditional values, Satan has officially asked the LGBTQ+ community to tone down its efforts.
Facing increased backlash and negative public attention amid what is perceived by many to be an aggressive assault on traditional values, Satan has officially asked the LGBTQ+ community to tone down its efforts.
 
Local atheist Jerry Carson spent another Sunday worshipping himself, say sources. The self-focused man reportedly woke up early to fix himself some breakfast before devoting himself to couch meditations for the remainder of the morning.
Local atheist Jerry Carson spent another Sunday worshipping himself, say sources. The self-focused man reportedly woke up early to fix himself some breakfast before devoting himself to couch meditations for the remainder of the morning.
 
Parishioners at a local church have noticed a peculiar pattern, as the staff's female pastor preaches a much angrier, "hellfire & brimstone" style sermon every month or so.
Parishioners at a local church have noticed a peculiar pattern, as the staff's female pastor preaches a much angrier, "hellfire & brimstone" style sermon every month or so.
 
A dark cloud was cast over Pride Month festivities on Sesame Street, as Bert and Ernie, long regarded as icons by the LGBTQ community, clarified that they are, in fact, just a couple of straight guys who live together.
A dark cloud was cast over Pride Month festivities on Sesame Street, as Bert and Ernie, long regarded as icons by the LGBTQ community, clarified that they are, in fact, just a couple of straight guys who live together.
 
Hell, known for its efficient torture practices and ultra saunas, celebrated a perfect ESG score Wednesday following a review by Bloomberg ESG Data Services.
Hell, known for its efficient torture practices and ultra saunas, celebrated a perfect ESG score Wednesday following a review by Bloomberg ESG Data Services.
 
In a surprising twist, legendary country music star Garth Brooks has announced that his new bar will in fact be a gay bar, as they will be serving Bud Light.
In a surprising twist, legendary country music star Garth Brooks has announced that his new bar will in fact be a gay bar, as they will be serving Bud Light.
 
A new study confirmed what has long been theorized, as results show a full 100% of human males watch the film Tombstone in its entirety when they find it playing on television.
A new study confirmed what has long been theorized, as results show a full 100% of human males watch the film Tombstone in its entirety when they find it playing on television.
 
President Joe Biden says the U.S. economy has never been stronger, or at least, has never deteriorated at a slower rate than it is right now under his administration.
President Joe Biden says the U.S. economy has never been stronger, or at least, has never deteriorated at a slower rate than it is right now under his administration.
 
As an appeal to garner more public interest, Daily Wire co-founder and CEO Jeremy Boreing has announced he has hidden five golden Jeremy's Razors in five different Jeremy's Chocolate bars.
As an appeal to garner more public interest, Daily Wire co-founder and CEO Jeremy Boreing has announced he has hidden five golden Jeremy's Razors in five different Jeremy's Chocolate bars.
 
In yet another step to establish gay stuff as the official state-sponsored religion in the United States, President Joe Biden has signed an executive order instituting the call to gay prayer, ordering it to take place five times every day, with everyone facing toward San Francisco
In yet another step to establish gay stuff as the official state-sponsored religion in the United States, President Joe Biden has signed an executive order instituting the call to gay prayer, ordering it to take place five times every day, with everyone facing toward San Francisco
 
Church leaders with the Southern Baptist Convention are debating a measure to enshrine a ban on appointing female pastors, with many frustrated attendees now wishing God had written some sort of book telling them whether or not a pastor can be a woman.
Church leaders with the Southern Baptist Convention are debating a measure to enshrine a ban on appointing female pastors, with many frustrated attendees now wishing God had written some sort of book telling them whether or not a pastor can be a woman.
 
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local men Dave Harding and Tyler Daniels, while hard at work helping their friends move furniture out of their apartment, have just announced unprompted that the couch isn't heavy at all, it's just an awkward shape.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local men Dave Harding and Tyler Daniels, while hard at work helping their friends move furniture out of their apartment, have just announced unprompted that the couch isn't heavy at all, it's just an awkward shape.
 
To its great embarrassment, the National Basketball Association discovered last night that one of the teams in the league is actually named "The Nuggets".
To its great embarrassment, the National Basketball Association discovered last night that one of the teams in the league is actually named "The Nuggets".
 
At a recent support group to help journalists deal with having little to write about concerning the Commander-in-chief, one member of the White House press expressed frustration at having such a flawless U.S. president.
At a recent support group to help journalists deal with having little to write about concerning the Commander-in-chief, one member of the White House press expressed frustration at having such a flawless U.S. president.
 
As part of his administration's expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag.
As part of his administration's expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag.
 
With the actors' strike threatening to halt filming, the producers of Snow White decided to replace the dwarves with seven people chosen at random from a San Francisco homeless camp.
With the actors' strike threatening to halt filming, the producers of Snow White decided to replace the dwarves with seven people chosen at random from a San Francisco homeless camp.
 
Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, listed her camping gear for sale, describing the bundle of supplies (including tent peg and hammer) as "gently used."
Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, listed her camping gear for sale, describing the bundle of supplies (including tent peg and hammer) as "gently used."
 
In response to widespread public outcry following the indictment of former President Donald Trump, Joe Biden has ordered the military to shoot anyone who dares to refer to the United States as a "banana republic."
In response to widespread public outcry following the indictment of former President Donald Trump, Joe Biden has ordered the military to shoot anyone who dares to refer to the United States as a "banana republic."
 
As he prepared to face indictment on federal charges related to possession of classified documents, former President Donald Trump revealed his disappointment that he was only a few boxes of top secret documents away from building a really cool fort.
As he prepared to face indictment on federal charges related to possession of classified documents, former President Donald Trump revealed his disappointment that he was only a few boxes of top secret documents away from building a really cool fort.
 
An awkward moment arose at the city's annual Pride Parade over the weekend, as one young attendee was seen waving politely to his teacher and school principal as they acted out a kinky bondage scene on a passing parade float.
An awkward moment arose at the city's annual Pride Parade over the weekend, as one young attendee was seen waving politely to his teacher and school principal as they acted out a kinky bondage scene on a passing parade float.
 
In an event that surely proves extraterrestrial life exists, an incredible cell phone video has caught every moment leading up to, then immediately following an alien encounter.
In an event that surely proves extraterrestrial life exists, an incredible cell phone video has caught every moment leading up to, then immediately following an alien encounter.
 
In response to the recent indictment by a federal grand jury for the mishandling of classified information, Donald Trump's attorneys have argued all 37 charges should be dropped because their client was simply bored of reading the back of the shampoo bottle
In response to the recent indictment by a federal grand jury for the mishandling of classified information, Donald Trump's attorneys have argued all 37 charges should be dropped because their client was simply bored of reading the back of the shampoo bottle
 
King Solomon really broke out the romance, telling his wife today that he truly thinks of her as one in a thousand.
King Solomon really broke out the romance, telling his wife today that he truly thinks of her as one in a thousand.
 
The official state religion of the United States entered its High Holy Days today, with worshippers around the nation being called to rededicate themselves in submission and obedience to its holy teachings.
The official state religion of the United States entered its High Holy Days today, with worshippers around the nation being called to rededicate themselves in submission and obedience to its holy teachings.
 
Selfish local toddler Madeleine Russell completely failed to appreciate how fabulous and Instagram-worthy her first birthday party was.
Selfish local toddler Madeleine Russell completely failed to appreciate how fabulous and Instagram-worthy her first birthday party was.
 
A brand-new Mexican restaurant celebrated its grand opening today, taking over the exact same building where seven previous Mexican restaurants have gone out of business.
A brand-new Mexican restaurant celebrated its grand opening today, taking over the exact same building where seven previous Mexican restaurants have gone out of business.
 
Following Lululemon's surprising decision to not intervene when merchandise is being stolen, streets have been overrun with groups of thugs wearing the latest Lululemon attire.
Following Lululemon's surprising decision to not intervene when merchandise is being stolen, streets have been overrun with groups of thugs wearing the latest Lululemon attire.
 
In a surprise move, the Democratic National Committee has decided to support Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. with a nice rally by a grassy knoll in Dallas.
In a surprise move, the Democratic National Committee has decided to support Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. with a nice rally by a grassy knoll in Dallas.
 
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