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Babylon Bee's Entries

A revival seems to have broken out at an Asbury University chapel service, which just so happened to take place the night before a massive group project was due in English 362.
A revival seems to have broken out at an Asbury University chapel service, which just so happened to take place the night before a massive group project was due in English 362.
 
A Bible class for kindergarteners was interrupted Sunday when Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst through the door and informed the five-year-olds in attendance that Jesus was a fascist. The children reportedly left the classroom in tears.
A Bible class for kindergarteners was interrupted Sunday when Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst through the door and informed the five-year-olds in attendance that Jesus was a fascist. The children reportedly left the classroom in tears.
 
In one of the most momentous events in the history of mankind, a species of noble and intelligent aliens has made landfall in Florida to make first contact with the Leader of the Free World, President Donald J. Trump.
In one of the most momentous events in the history of mankind, a species of noble and intelligent aliens has made landfall in Florida to make first contact with the Leader of the Free World, President Donald J. Trump.
 
Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary under President Biden, has reportedly been binge-watching the children's show Thomas the Tank Engine in an effort to understand the recent wave of train derailments that have been plaguing the United States.
Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary under President Biden, has reportedly been binge-watching the children's show Thomas the Tank Engine in an effort to understand the recent wave of train derailments that have been plaguing the United States.
 
An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.
An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.
 
Despite a long history of experts, gurus, and mothers-in-law who have claimed to have fully figured out parenting, a new study from a major university has concluded that every single parent since time began has been "winging it," "making it up as they go," and using "trial and error"
Despite a long history of experts, gurus, and mothers-in-law who have claimed to have fully figured out parenting, a new study from a major university has concluded that every single parent since time began has been "winging it," "making it up as they go," and using "trial and error"
 
Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they've received the latest COVID booster.
Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they've received the latest COVID booster.
 
A local man wallowed in frustration today while wrestling with the idea that the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, with infinitely more wisdom than any human, could possibly have a different opinion than he has.
A local man wallowed in frustration today while wrestling with the idea that the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, with infinitely more wisdom than any human, could possibly have a different opinion than he has.
 
You have this gnawing feeling you forgot something. Your wife seems mad at you. Oh no! Is it Valentine's Day?
You have this gnawing feeling you forgot something. Your wife seems mad at you. Oh no! Is it Valentine's Day?
 
Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
 
Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.
Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.
 
Representative Ilhan Omar has canceled a planned rally to support the victims of the East Palestine chemical spill after learning East Palestine is actually in America.
Representative Ilhan Omar has canceled a planned rally to support the victims of the East Palestine chemical spill after learning East Palestine is actually in America.
 
Local lawmakers and citizens alike were surprised to find that legalizing the recreational use of marijuana produced no negative results, except for the fact that the entire city now smells like weed.
Local lawmakers and citizens alike were surprised to find that legalizing the recreational use of marijuana produced no negative results, except for the fact that the entire city now smells like weed.
 
The COVID pandemic opened our eyes to the legitimacy of conspiracy theories when they started being proven true left and right. Naturally, we started paying attention.
The COVID pandemic opened our eyes to the legitimacy of conspiracy theories when they started being proven true left and right. Naturally, we started paying attention.
 
With sheepishness in his voice and a spot of Three-Pepper Sauce™ on his collar, local accountant Zed Filbertson was seen on a call with his credit card company, informing them that yes, regretfully he was actually eating at Arby's for the third time that day.
With sheepishness in his voice and a spot of Three-Pepper Sauce™ on his collar, local accountant Zed Filbertson was seen on a call with his credit card company, informing them that yes, regretfully he was actually eating at Arby's for the third time that day.
 
In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.
In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.
 
After an exciting, hard-fought, back-and-forth gridiron battle between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL proudly announced that the referees had been named MVP of the Super Bowl LVII.
After an exciting, hard-fought, back-and-forth gridiron battle between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL proudly announced that the referees had been named MVP of the Super Bowl LVII.
 
Following a fourth report of an unidentified object being shot down across North America, U.S. military leadership and the North American Aerospace Defense Command have announced increased monitoring of North American skies.
Following a fourth report of an unidentified object being shot down across North America, U.S. military leadership and the North American Aerospace Defense Command have announced increased monitoring of North American skies.
 
Residents of a small Ohio town have been forced to evacuate after a deadly spill of vinyl chloride and butyl acrylate chemicals from a train derailment caught fire and destroyed surrounding farmland, waterways, and livestock.
Residents of a small Ohio town have been forced to evacuate after a deadly spill of vinyl chloride and butyl acrylate chemicals from a train derailment caught fire and destroyed surrounding farmland, waterways, and livestock.
 
According to sources, God is really excited about the "He Gets Us" ad campaign that ran during the Super Bowl and is hoping the slick marketing will finally give him some much-needed exposure.
According to sources, God is really excited about the "He Gets Us" ad campaign that ran during the Super Bowl and is hoping the slick marketing will finally give him some much-needed exposure.
 
The Super Bowl referees held a brief meeting before the game began to go ahead and decide which team will take home the Lombardi trophy.
The Super Bowl referees held a brief meeting before the game began to go ahead and decide which team will take home the Lombardi trophy.
 
To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.
To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.
 
The Super Bowl flyover team featuring exclusively female pilots has informed NFL officials that they are running a "little behind."
The Super Bowl flyover team featuring exclusively female pilots has informed NFL officials that they are running a "little behind."
 
Just when you think you have heard the most insane story possible about Congressman George Santos, the mad lad (lady?) tops himself again! Here we have collected seven more totally preposterous, but one-hundred-percent true stories about George Santos:
Just when you think you have heard the most insane story possible about Congressman George Santos, the mad lad (lady?) tops himself again! Here we have collected seven more totally preposterous, but one-hundred-percent true stories about George Santos:
 
Sources in Hades have announced that Satan will finally be opening the underworld's first Chick-fil-A franchise, but it will only serve cauliflower sandwiches.
Sources in Hades have announced that Satan will finally be opening the underworld's first Chick-fil-A franchise, but it will only serve cauliflower sandwiches.
 
President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.
President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.
 
If you're a Dad who's always running around after your kids, doing house projects, and carrying in groceries, you may be burning more calories than you think! To avoid the shame of failing to maintain a perfect "Dad bod," use these tried-and-true tricks!
If you're a Dad who's always running around after your kids, doing house projects, and carrying in groceries, you may be burning more calories than you think! To avoid the shame of failing to maintain a perfect "Dad bod," use these tried-and-true tricks!
 
ATLANTA, GA — Chick-fil-A has announced a new cauliflower sandwich as part of an effort to reach new customers in the godless heathen community.
ATLANTA, GA — Chick-fil-A has announced a new cauliflower sandwich as part of an effort to reach new customers in the godless heathen community.
 
Two innocent local children have been left on the brink of starvation after their father failed to cut their sandwiches into little dinosaur shapes the way their mother does.
Two innocent local children have been left on the brink of starvation after their father failed to cut their sandwiches into little dinosaur shapes the way their mother does.
 
After being humiliated on the national stage for allowing a Chinese spy balloon to pass over the U.S. unhindered, anonymous sources confirmed the Biden Administration is striking back against China with its own secret weapon: a spy inflatable flailing arm tube man.
After being humiliated on the national stage for allowing a Chinese spy balloon to pass over the U.S. unhindered, anonymous sources confirmed the Biden Administration is striking back against China with its own secret weapon: a spy inflatable flailing arm tube man.
 
A frightened young boy refused to go to sleep last night until his mother checked underneath the bed to see if Madonna was lurking there. The boy, Trevor Birch, stayed up late Sunday night and accidentally caught a glimpse of the "Like a Virgin" singer
A frightened young boy refused to go to sleep last night until his mother checked underneath the bed to see if Madonna was lurking there. The boy, Trevor Birch, stayed up late Sunday night and accidentally caught a glimpse of the "Like a Virgin" singer
 
Amidst the eyebrow-raising claims and unintelligible shouting, President Joe Biden also proposed twelve new taxes during his State of the Union Address on Tuesday night.
Amidst the eyebrow-raising claims and unintelligible shouting, President Joe Biden also proposed twelve new taxes during his State of the Union Address on Tuesday night.
 
As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."
As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."
 
FDA officials specializing in the field of genuine Mexican food have released a comprehensive, peer-reviewed report confirming no link between eating Taco Bell and immediately suffering from explosive diarrhea, and that Taco Bell was "safe and effective."
FDA officials specializing in the field of genuine Mexican food have released a comprehensive, peer-reviewed report confirming no link between eating Taco Bell and immediately suffering from explosive diarrhea, and that Taco Bell was "safe and effective."
 
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