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Babylon Bee's Entries

Feminists and other Communists are leveling criticism against "uppity" Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene for speaking out of turn at this week's State of the Union and rudely interrupting an old white male who was trying to speak.
Feminists and other Communists are leveling criticism against "uppity" Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene for speaking out of turn at this week's State of the Union and rudely interrupting an old white male who was trying to speak.
 
The Catholic church is currently being infiltrated by a number of undercover FBI agents who are partaking in the sacraments, earning indulgences, and even becoming priests.
The Catholic church is currently being infiltrated by a number of undercover FBI agents who are partaking in the sacraments, earning indulgences, and even becoming priests.
 
After years of warning that the witchcraft in Harry Potter is an existential danger to the youth, fundamentalist Christians are delighted to hear that liberals are now warning that the Harry Potter books represent an existential danger to the youth and should be burned.
After years of warning that the witchcraft in Harry Potter is an existential danger to the youth, fundamentalist Christians are delighted to hear that liberals are now warning that the Harry Potter books represent an existential danger to the youth and should be burned.
 
Tensions among Republican members of Congress are on the rise after Utah Senator Mitt Romney confronted New York Congressman George Santos in the House chamber prior to President Biden's State of the Union address Tuesday night
Tensions among Republican members of Congress are on the rise after Utah Senator Mitt Romney confronted New York Congressman George Santos in the House chamber prior to President Biden's State of the Union address Tuesday night
 
Investing your money is tough when your savings account can't even keep up with inflation. How are we supposed to avoid abject poverty? Fear no more lower-to-middle-class folks!
Investing your money is tough when your savings account can't even keep up with inflation. How are we supposed to avoid abject poverty? Fear no more lower-to-middle-class folks!
 
During a tense Congressional Hearing, deductive polymath Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez put a widespread conspiracy theory to rest when she vocally insisted that there were no hysterectomies being performed on minors because most of them are too busy working in the mines anyway.
During a tense Congressional Hearing, deductive polymath Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez put a widespread conspiracy theory to rest when she vocally insisted that there were no hysterectomies being performed on minors because most of them are too busy working in the mines anyway.
 
A young sheep in Israel was left horrified today after it suddenly dawned on him that he was, in fact, a young male lamb without any spots or blemishes, giving him every indication that his life would end at a very early age.
A young sheep in Israel was left horrified today after it suddenly dawned on him that he was, in fact, a young male lamb without any spots or blemishes, giving him every indication that his life would end at a very early age.
 
The political world was upended Tuesday following President Biden's SOTU speech when it was revealed Republicans and Democrats were surprisingly divided on his performance.
The political world was upended Tuesday following President Biden's SOTU speech when it was revealed Republicans and Democrats were surprisingly divided on his performance.
 
The NBA has confirmed that in addition to setting a new scoring record, LeBron James has broken the record for the largest number of flops in basketball history.
The NBA has confirmed that in addition to setting a new scoring record, LeBron James has broken the record for the largest number of flops in basketball history.
 
People across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as President Joe Biden used his State of the Union address to assure the American people that Ukraine is making tremendous progress and is stronger than it has ever been before.
People across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as President Joe Biden used his State of the Union address to assure the American people that Ukraine is making tremendous progress and is stronger than it has ever been before.
 
Local authorities have issued a Silver Alert after several on Capitol Hill reported seeing a lost old man yelling incoherently at people.
Local authorities have issued a Silver Alert after several on Capitol Hill reported seeing a lost old man yelling incoherently at people.
 
The U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona will be delivering America's first-annual "State of the Groomers" speech this evening, sources say.
The U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona will be delivering America's first-annual "State of the Groomers" speech this evening, sources say.
 
After seeing his dazzlingly satanic performance at the Grammys, the Biden Administration has invited gay nonbinary singer Sam Smith to perform at the State of the Union.
After seeing his dazzlingly satanic performance at the Grammys, the Biden Administration has invited gay nonbinary singer Sam Smith to perform at the State of the Union.
 
The American Academy of Pediatrics has announced new recommendations for treating childhood strep throat using puberty blockers.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has announced new recommendations for treating childhood strep throat using puberty blockers.
 
J.D. Beutler, local patent lawyer and father of daughters, was seen returning home from Battalion Bazaar Army Surplus with a full hazmat suit, a titanium-lined drain auger, and an unwavering gleam in his eye as he prepared to clean the shower drain.
J.D. Beutler, local patent lawyer and father of daughters, was seen returning home from Battalion Bazaar Army Surplus with a full hazmat suit, a titanium-lined drain auger, and an unwavering gleam in his eye as he prepared to clean the shower drain.
 
In a stunning reversal, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado has reportedly decided not to spend eternity in Heaven after finding out there won't be firearms there. The lawmaker made her choice following a disappointing conversation with her pastor.
In a stunning reversal, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado has reportedly decided not to spend eternity in Heaven after finding out there won't be firearms there. The lawmaker made her choice following a disappointing conversation with her pastor.
 
Hey ladies, have you ever just stared at your man and wondered what he was thinking? Relax! Your man isn't thinking about other women.
Hey ladies, have you ever just stared at your man and wondered what he was thinking? Relax! Your man isn't thinking about other women.
 
The Japanese "Queen of Tidy" Marie Kondo has announced a brand new Netflix series following the birth of her third child.
The Japanese "Queen of Tidy" Marie Kondo has announced a brand new Netflix series following the birth of her third child.
 
According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address.
According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address.
 
A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.
A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.
 
In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."
In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."
 
Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.
Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.
 
The Chinese Communist Party has assured world leaders that the massive fleet of warships heading toward Taiwan is just checking on the weather in the Taiwan Strait.
The Chinese Communist Party has assured world leaders that the massive fleet of warships heading toward Taiwan is just checking on the weather in the Taiwan Strait.
 
Despite having faithfully shepherded his congregation for twelve years, local Pastor Reagan Johnson has been removed from his post after a concerned congregant notified the elder board of his failing to have "Husband. Father. Pastor." in his bio on Twitter.
Despite having faithfully shepherded his congregation for twelve years, local Pastor Reagan Johnson has been removed from his post after a concerned congregant notified the elder board of his failing to have "Husband. Father. Pastor." in his bio on Twitter.
 
In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight's State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.
In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight's State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.
 
Local man Brad Johnson has joined Faith Covenant's worship band, giving it the token forty-something balding guy it was sorely missing.
Local man Brad Johnson has joined Faith Covenant's worship band, giving it the token forty-something balding guy it was sorely missing.
 
Scholars now believe that the disciples who handed out food so ably to the five-thousand may have in fact been Chick-fil-A employees.
Scholars now believe that the disciples who handed out food so ably to the five-thousand may have in fact been Chick-fil-A employees.
 
The Pentagon officially went ahead with their plan to shoot down the Chinese spy balloon as it was getting too close to Ukraine's borders, sources confirmed Saturday.
The Pentagon officially went ahead with their plan to shoot down the Chinese spy balloon as it was getting too close to Ukraine's borders, sources confirmed Saturday.
 
Tom Brady announced today he has officially signed a three year contract with the Sunnyshade Retirement Home Shuffleboard Team.
Tom Brady announced today he has officially signed a three year contract with the Sunnyshade Retirement Home Shuffleboard Team.
 
Hey everyone, sorry it's been a while since I've updated this blog. It's just been crazy around here!
Hey everyone, sorry it's been a while since I've updated this blog. It's just been crazy around here!
 
In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America's unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.
In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America's unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.
 
After a brisk winter jog today, local man Donald Vance decided that perhaps obesity isn't so bad after all.
After a brisk winter jog today, local man Donald Vance decided that perhaps obesity isn't so bad after all.
 
This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike.
This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike.
 
As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana
As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana
 
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