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Babylon Bee's Entries

Local Christian man Nicholas Cartwright defied all odds when he successfully graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary while somehow not losing his faith.
Local Christian man Nicholas Cartwright defied all odds when he successfully graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary while somehow not losing his faith.
 
Roald Dahl, the author of such beloved titles as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matilda, made headlines recently because his body of literature was updated to remove potentially offensive material.
Roald Dahl, the author of such beloved titles as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matilda, made headlines recently because his body of literature was updated to remove potentially offensive material.
 
After House Speaker Kevin McCarthy released uncut footage from the January 6 riot to Fox News host Tucker Carlson, sources are reporting the biggest bombshell from the tapes is the revelation that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez died 13,491 times during the riot.
After House Speaker Kevin McCarthy released uncut footage from the January 6 riot to Fox News host Tucker Carlson, sources are reporting the biggest bombshell from the tapes is the revelation that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez died 13,491 times during the riot.
 
According to CNN's Department of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, news anchor and prolific storyteller Don Lemon has been required to participate in sensitivity training until he can learn to quit referring to his coworkers as "Dusty Old Broads."
According to CNN's Department of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, news anchor and prolific storyteller Don Lemon has been required to participate in sensitivity training until he can learn to quit referring to his coworkers as "Dusty Old Broads."
 
A local man was struck with the sudden concern that he may, in fact, be gay, after the suitcase he was checking at the airline ticket counter was found to exceed the 45-lb. weight limit for checked luggage.
A local man was struck with the sudden concern that he may, in fact, be gay, after the suitcase he was checking at the airline ticket counter was found to exceed the 45-lb. weight limit for checked luggage.
 
After a surprise visit to Ukraine and a photo op with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, some are pressing Biden on the environmental crisis in East Palestine. He finally broke his silence on the issue to reporters by suggesting those affected just give up drinking water for Lent.
After a surprise visit to Ukraine and a photo op with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, some are pressing Biden on the environmental crisis in East Palestine. He finally broke his silence on the issue to reporters by suggesting those affected just give up drinking water for Lent.
 
Town officials are concerned after receiving multiple complaints from faculty at Galilee's School for the Blind this week after Jesus of Nazareth apparently went on a healing spree and decimated the school's enrollment.
Town officials are concerned after receiving multiple complaints from faculty at Galilee's School for the Blind this week after Jesus of Nazareth apparently went on a healing spree and decimated the school's enrollment.
 
In a stunning display of spiritual fortitude, Pastor Mark Thompson of the First Baptist Church preached 13 minutes past his allotted time during Sunday's service, declaring that "this has gotta be the start of a revival!"
In a stunning display of spiritual fortitude, Pastor Mark Thompson of the First Baptist Church preached 13 minutes past his allotted time during Sunday's service, declaring that "this has gotta be the start of a revival!"
 
Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates
Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates
 
President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America's unwavering commitment to the country's democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.
President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America's unwavering commitment to the country's democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.
 
According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter.
According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter.
 
On Monday morning, Don Lemon went to host his morning show again after CNN placed him on leave for saying Nikki Haley, 51, was "past her prime" and making his co-hosts visibly uncomfortable.
On Monday morning, Don Lemon went to host his morning show again after CNN placed him on leave for saying Nikki Haley, 51, was "past her prime" and making his co-hosts visibly uncomfortable.
 
Multiple insider sources reported a hushed nervousness was felt throughout President Joe Biden's entire entourage today as he arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine for his annual performance review with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
Multiple insider sources reported a hushed nervousness was felt throughout President Joe Biden's entire entourage today as he arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine for his annual performance review with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
 
Women scientists at Johns Hopkins have agreed that gift bags must contain a bare minimum of 63 pieces of perfectly crinkled tissue paper.
Women scientists at Johns Hopkins have agreed that gift bags must contain a bare minimum of 63 pieces of perfectly crinkled tissue paper.
 
Local dad Darryl Cochran took his son Jason to the mall for a history lesson about how his forefathers shopped for clothing.
Local dad Darryl Cochran took his son Jason to the mall for a history lesson about how his forefathers shopped for clothing.
 
Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing 'Amazing Grace' played on bagpipes.
Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing 'Amazing Grace' played on bagpipes.
 
With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them.
With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them.
 
The Prime Minister of Japan admitted today that sushi was a giant prank by the people of Japan to see if they could get people to actually eat raw fish.
The Prime Minister of Japan admitted today that sushi was a giant prank by the people of Japan to see if they could get people to actually eat raw fish.
 
The NFL's Cleveland Browns are reportedly breathing a collective sigh of relief now the devastating derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release in East Palestine means that their franchise is no longer considered the largest train wreck in Ohio.
The NFL's Cleveland Browns are reportedly breathing a collective sigh of relief now the devastating derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release in East Palestine means that their franchise is no longer considered the largest train wreck in Ohio.
 
A young local student was forced to defend his integrity after his science project — a homemade weather balloon designed to collect atmospheric data — was destroyed by a Sidewinder missile fired from a strafing F-22 fighter jet.
A young local student was forced to defend his integrity after his science project — a homemade weather balloon designed to collect atmospheric data — was destroyed by a Sidewinder missile fired from a strafing F-22 fighter jet.
 
CNN anchor Don Lemon is reportedly watching Matt Walsh's What Is A Woman? documentary in an effort to better understand his female co-hosts and stop saying stupid things.
CNN anchor Don Lemon is reportedly watching Matt Walsh's What Is A Woman? documentary in an effort to better understand his female co-hosts and stop saying stupid things.
 
Experts have uncovered a new phenomenon in the revivalism industry: a "revival" that occurs every Sunday where God's people gather to worship and receive the means of grace.
Experts have uncovered a new phenomenon in the revivalism industry: a "revival" that occurs every Sunday where God's people gather to worship and receive the means of grace.
 
Meteorologists across North America have been seen on live television struggling to report the weather now that all of the weather balloons have been shot down.
Meteorologists across North America have been seen on live television struggling to report the weather now that all of the weather balloons have been shot down.
 
Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Medical Center in the nation's capital to seek treatment for clinical depression after coming to the realization that he was a member of the United States Congress.
Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Medical Center in the nation's capital to seek treatment for clinical depression after coming to the realization that he was a member of the United States Congress.
 
In a powerful display of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, Norfolk Southern dumped thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the Ohio River to create beautiful rainbow-colored water.
In a powerful display of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, Norfolk Southern dumped thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the Ohio River to create beautiful rainbow-colored water.
 
In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.
In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.
 
The ongoing blurring of gender lines reached yet another milestone today, as a local man frantically and effeminately shooed a bee away from his face, resulting in him being granted honorary womanhood.
The ongoing blurring of gender lines reached yet another milestone today, as a local man frantically and effeminately shooed a bee away from his face, resulting in him being granted honorary womanhood.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician has released a full report on Biden's annual physical exam, confirming the President is, technically speaking, still alive.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician has released a full report on Biden's annual physical exam, confirming the President is, technically speaking, still alive.
 
Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
 
Nationwide news outlets have begun reporting on a historic event: a local nurse has set a new record for time elapsed without mentioning her occupation being nursing, waiting a grand total of 3.0011 minutes.
Nationwide news outlets have begun reporting on a historic event: a local nurse has set a new record for time elapsed without mentioning her occupation being nursing, waiting a grand total of 3.0011 minutes.
 
President Biden is being lifted in Marine One to a local coroner for his annual physical exam, sources in Washington say.
President Biden is being lifted in Marine One to a local coroner for his annual physical exam, sources in Washington say.
 
Amid growing concerns about the risks residents could be facing due to pollution of the air, soil, and water after the catastrophic February 3rd train derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release, officials were quick to assure the public that test results indicate the water in the area is fine
Amid growing concerns about the risks residents could be facing due to pollution of the air, soil, and water after the catastrophic February 3rd train derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release, officials were quick to assure the public that test results indicate the water in the area is fine
 
Locals are rejoicing this morning at the news that a nearby food production facility made it through another night without being burned to the ground like others all around the country.
Locals are rejoicing this morning at the news that a nearby food production facility made it through another night without being burned to the ground like others all around the country.
 
People just can't take their eyes off those nifty high-altitude spy devices! They're obviously balloons and/or drones from China, but what if they're aliens?
People just can't take their eyes off those nifty high-altitude spy devices! They're obviously balloons and/or drones from China, but what if they're aliens?
 
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