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Local woman Jane Adams narrowly exceeded the item limit at the grocery's express checkout line today by a mere 2,387 items.
Local woman Jane Adams narrowly exceeded the item limit at the grocery's express checkout line today by a mere 2,387 items.
 
Ford Motor Company is set to debut an innovative safety feature for all new models, where the vehicle will instantly shut off if a woman is detected in the driver's seat.
Ford Motor Company is set to debut an innovative safety feature for all new models, where the vehicle will instantly shut off if a woman is detected in the driver's seat.
 
After getting into yet another public spat with ChatGPT, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has accused the program of wanting to date her.
After getting into yet another public spat with ChatGPT, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has accused the program of wanting to date her.
 
Members of Cornerstone Calvary Community Congregation City Church were in for a shock this past Sunday as they were greeted at the doors to the church by an army of state-of-the-art robo-greeters.
Members of Cornerstone Calvary Community Congregation City Church were in for a shock this past Sunday as they were greeted at the doors to the church by an army of state-of-the-art robo-greeters.
 
Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command "Sing unto the Lord a new song" in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.
Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command "Sing unto the Lord a new song" in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.
 
Our writers spend way too much time writing jokes about how dumb AOC is. So, we are using A.I. to free them up for more important things.
Our writers spend way too much time writing jokes about how dumb AOC is. So, we are using A.I. to free them up for more important things.
 
The Walt Disney Company caved to a righteous outcry of public pressure when it gutted beloved log flume attraction Splash Mountain, replacing any reference to its controversial film Song of the South in favor of The Princess and the Frog — a movie starring an African American princess
The Walt Disney Company caved to a righteous outcry of public pressure when it gutted beloved log flume attraction Splash Mountain, replacing any reference to its controversial film Song of the South in favor of The Princess and the Frog — a movie starring an African American princess
 
Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
 
Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
 
Theologians at the Claremont School of Theology put forward additional evidence that God has a sense of humor by pointing out that 1 out of every 20 pistachios tastes like flaming hot garbage.
Theologians at the Claremont School of Theology put forward additional evidence that God has a sense of humor by pointing out that 1 out of every 20 pistachios tastes like flaming hot garbage.
 
We all want what's best for our children. That's why it's important to educate them early on how to deny gender normativity and embrace dysphoria. What will people think if your child becomes a "normie?" That would be the worst!
We all want what's best for our children. That's why it's important to educate them early on how to deny gender normativity and embrace dysphoria. What will people think if your child becomes a "normie?" That would be the worst!
 
In an incident some have labeled the Ukraine-Russia War's "Christmas Truce," Ukrainian and Russian soldiers have paused their fighting to capture a photo of their adorable matching American tanks.
In an incident some have labeled the Ukraine-Russia War's "Christmas Truce," Ukrainian and Russian soldiers have paused their fighting to capture a photo of their adorable matching American tanks.
 
A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
 
Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
 
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
 
In a civilized society, people rely on the news media to keep them informed. It's how we learn about things like crime, local interest stories, or what we should wear for the day. But what if your favorite news anchor has been lying to you? Not good!
In a civilized society, people rely on the news media to keep them informed. It's how we learn about things like crime, local interest stories, or what we should wear for the day. But what if your favorite news anchor has been lying to you? Not good!
 
After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time
After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time
 
Newly crowned Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy wasted no time fulfilling his promise to free the House Intelligence Committee from members caught up in lying or sleeping with Chinese spies, Representative Adam Schiff being chief among the affected members.
Newly crowned Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy wasted no time fulfilling his promise to free the House Intelligence Committee from members caught up in lying or sleeping with Chinese spies, Representative Adam Schiff being chief among the affected members.
 
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced he was demoting Reps. Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff from the powerful House Intelligence Committee to join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the lesser-known House Party Planning Committee.
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced he was demoting Reps. Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff from the powerful House Intelligence Committee to join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the lesser-known House Party Planning Committee.
 
After years of taxing California citizens to capacity and still not having enough in the state budget, Governor Gavin Newsom has proposed a brand new tax on people who live in Florida.
After years of taxing California citizens to capacity and still not having enough in the state budget, Governor Gavin Newsom has proposed a brand new tax on people who live in Florida.
 
Move aside, purple horseshoes! General Mills announced today an exciting new addition to their Lucky Charms marshmallow lineup: Ukraine Flag charms, available for a limited time only.
Move aside, purple horseshoes! General Mills announced today an exciting new addition to their Lucky Charms marshmallow lineup: Ukraine Flag charms, available for a limited time only.
 
Tragedy struck the world and billions of people suddenly and unexpectedly lost their lives as the iconic Doomsday Clock inadvertently sprung forward for daylight saving time, plunging the earth into unspeakable darkness and ushering in the end of humanity as we knew it.
Tragedy struck the world and billions of people suddenly and unexpectedly lost their lives as the iconic Doomsday Clock inadvertently sprung forward for daylight saving time, plunging the earth into unspeakable darkness and ushering in the end of humanity as we knew it.
 
To cope with increasing challenges resulting from rising food shortages around the globe, popular family restaurant chain Cheesecake Factory has decided to cut its menu down to a paltry 32 pages.
To cope with increasing challenges resulting from rising food shortages around the globe, popular family restaurant chain Cheesecake Factory has decided to cut its menu down to a paltry 32 pages.
 
The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.
The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.
 
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".
 
After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster
After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster
 
Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won't because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money.
Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won't because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money.
 
Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term "magical sky daddy."
Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term "magical sky daddy."
 
According to sources, a local ranch has decided to go green, exchanging their massive herd of beef cows for a herd of more environmentally friendly and delicious crickets.
According to sources, a local ranch has decided to go green, exchanging their massive herd of beef cows for a herd of more environmentally friendly and delicious crickets.
 
According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
 
In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis's children's book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis's children's book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
 
The city of Atlanta is entering its second week of violent, fiery riots that have been organized and executed by just an idea.
The city of Atlanta is entering its second week of violent, fiery riots that have been organized and executed by just an idea.
 
Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
 
Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of inspiration.
Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of inspiration.
 
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