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Local dad Justin Simpson took a trip to the mall on Christmas Eve to begin his Christmas shopping, only to find a vacant lot where the mall once stood.
Published: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023 @ 10:47 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Do you homeschool your kids? Ew! Where will they learn social skills? Aren't you concerned about that? Oh well--even weird homeschoolers deserve a good Christmas, so here are some gift ideas to help you out!
Published: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023 @ 11:59 am
By: Babylon Bee
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KYIV — Somber news came out of war-torn Ukraine today as reports confirmed Santa Claus's sleigh had been mistaken for a hostile Russian aircraft and was shot down by a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile as it flew over the greater Kyiv area early this morning.
Published: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023 @ 10:42 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Alvin and Nora Spleent, the parents of three adorable, rambunctious children, reportedly rushed to get their offspring fed, bathed, and into bed so the couple could sit down and enjoy their favorite tv show.
Published: Monday, January 2nd, 2023 @ 3:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Tragedy struck Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky Friday as he shot himself in the eye with a rocket launcher he had received only days before as a gift from the United States.
Published: Monday, January 2nd, 2023 @ 1:21 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local wife Chelsea Hammond has just proposed a brand new 4,155-page Target funding bill to her husband but is only giving him 2 days to read through it all.
Published: Sunday, January 1st, 2023 @ 11:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Because Ukraine is so close to Sweden, it was expected that the assembly would be simple due to the nation's reliance on IKEA furniture.
Published: Sunday, January 1st, 2023 @ 10:43 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we're all going to die.
Published: Saturday, December 31st, 2022 @ 9:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Vice President Kamala Harris recently visited the home of WNBA star Brittney Griner to welcome her back to the US after her release from a Russian prison.
Published: Friday, December 30th, 2022 @ 3:50 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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During a White House press conference focused on clarifying every statement Biden has ever made, Press Secretary Jean-Pierre clarified that the official White House policy was the opposite of whatever President Biden says in interviews.
Published: Friday, December 30th, 2022 @ 1:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Fox News Correspondent Peter Doocy has been issued a restraining order after he asked a question of Karine Jean-Pierre in today's press conference.
Published: Thursday, December 29th, 2022 @ 8:20 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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On the heels of a much-publicized prisoner exchange involving WNBA basketball player Brittney Griner, the Biden Administration issued a call for an urgent need to help Ukraine hunt for a notorious Russian arms dealer known as the "Merchant of Death,"
Published: Thursday, December 29th, 2022 @ 2:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Senate race in Georgia has been called for Democrat Raphael Warnock, making this the second Republican loss in a row for that seat. Former President Trump soon took to Truth Social to remind the country that no other president has managed to lose the Senate
Published: Thursday, December 29th, 2022 @ 4:52 am
By: Babylon Bee
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During a courageous public statement denouncing Adolph Hitler in 2022, President Joe Biden deviated from his prepared remarks and recounted the time he personally faced off against Hitler while working as a lifeguard
Published: Wednesday, December 28th, 2022 @ 3:43 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests.
Published: Tuesday, December 27th, 2022 @ 1:27 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a shocking statement to police, Paul Pelosi claimed that he was assaulted by a man who threw hammers at him while shouting, "THIS IS MAGA COUNTRY!"
Published: Tuesday, December 27th, 2022 @ 10:48 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Thirteen billion people have already died horrible deaths mere hours after former President Donald Trump was reinstated to Twitter.
Published: Tuesday, December 27th, 2022 @ 8:19 am
By: Babylon Bee
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While speaking at a public symposium on behalf of The Association of Donut Lovers, Georgia Governor Stacey Abrams claimed obesity was just numbers manufactured by her bathroom scale.
Published: Tuesday, December 27th, 2022 @ 2:52 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After being fired from her role as Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi was photographed nonchalantly stealing the official Speaker podium to take home as a souvenir.
Published: Monday, December 26th, 2022 @ 6:57 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With the Respect for Marriage Bill to codify gay marriage nearing final passage, Representative Ilhan Omar has asked for an additional amendment to allow another form of marriage people might want to take advantage of from time to time.
Published: Monday, December 26th, 2022 @ 2:03 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In the aftermath of Donald Trump's announcement of his 2024 Presidential candidacy, the nation was frozen with fear
Published: Monday, December 26th, 2022 @ 1:39 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a shocking turn of events, famed prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has suddenly gone bankrupt after local woman Carissa Stewart named and claimed his entire estate.
Published: Sunday, December 25th, 2022 @ 9:42 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After finally tallying the votes from Maricopa County, Arizona has announced that Calvin Coolidge has narrowly defeated John Davis for its three electoral votes.
Published: Sunday, December 25th, 2022 @ 4:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Hopes for the timely counting of Arizona ballots have hit a snag as famed author George R.R. Martin has been placed in charge of counting the state's ballots.
Published: Sunday, December 25th, 2022 @ 2:33 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Radical young voter Lance Bean was awarded thirty votes after expertly entering the "Konami Code" into his electronic voting machine Tuesday. All votes reportedly went to Arizona gubernatorial candidate Katie Hobbs.
Published: Sunday, December 25th, 2022 @ 12:39 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Is your husband cheating on you? We here at the Babylon Bee hate marital infidelity, so we consulted marriage experts to learn all the troubling signs to look for when a man isn't being faithful.
Published: Sunday, December 25th, 2022 @ 3:20 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Raising a libertarian child can be tough, especially since they see your authority as totally illegitimate and say things like "AM I BEING DETAINED?" when you tell them to clean their room.
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 10:32 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that's just lying around at the southern border not being used.
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 9:39 am
By: Babylon Bee
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After finding it difficult to get lawmakers and other influential power brokers in the nation's capital to actually read the proposed 4,155-page omnibus spending bill, concerned Republicans successfully convinced people to begin reading it by renaming it
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 8:47 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Former and current President Donald J. Trump reportedly threw open the storm shutters of his Mar-a-Lago estate and proclaimed that, during the night he had been visited by the ghosts of January 6 past, present, and future, and that they confirmed what he already knew
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 8:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Only a day after his address to Congress, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen ringing a bell next to a red donation bucket while standing outside the entrance to the U.S. Capitol building.
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 4:30 am
By: Babylon Bee
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America's government was thrown into turmoil last night after a small band of insurrectionist traitors stormed the Capitol building while waving the flag of a foreign power.
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 4:15 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local dad Cory Logan glanced up from his iPhone today to mutter something or other to his teenage son about the dangers of technology.
Published: Saturday, December 24th, 2022 @ 3:49 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Child grooming is every parent's nightmare. No, this isn't about personal hygiene (a common misconception), we're talking about Left-wing perverts teaching your kids their weird sexual kinks. But how can you be sure your child's school is a groomer-free zone?
Published: Friday, December 23rd, 2022 @ 3:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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