Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike.
This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike.
 
As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana
As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana
 
Local CPA Bill Hastings is now heading into his third week of having a kernel of popcorn stuck in his teeth. He is reportedly uncomfortable and seeking counseling for depression.
Local CPA Bill Hastings is now heading into his third week of having a kernel of popcorn stuck in his teeth. He is reportedly uncomfortable and seeking counseling for depression.
 
Disaster struck at the San Francisco Zoo today after a pair of furries was added to the African Lion enclosure.
Disaster struck at the San Francisco Zoo today after a pair of furries was added to the African Lion enclosure.
 
Local mother of three Claire von Vanvaughn has reportedly had it "up to here" with her children.
Local mother of three Claire von Vanvaughn has reportedly had it "up to here" with her children.
 
Americans are up in arms after a Chinese high-altitude spy balloon was seen hovering over sensitive nuclear sites in Montana. Biden was quick to quell fears, vowing to shoot down the hostile balloon as soon as he's done letting it spy.
Americans are up in arms after a Chinese high-altitude spy balloon was seen hovering over sensitive nuclear sites in Montana. Biden was quick to quell fears, vowing to shoot down the hostile balloon as soon as he's done letting it spy.
 
Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.
Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.
 
According to legend, local man William Scarborough stopped to hold the door open for people entering behind him at an IHOP 27 years ago and he's been stuck there ever since. Every time he thinks he can finally let go of the door and sit down for some pancakes, more people show up.
According to legend, local man William Scarborough stopped to hold the door open for people entering behind him at an IHOP 27 years ago and he's been stuck there ever since. Every time he thinks he can finally let go of the door and sit down for some pancakes, more people show up.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After being removed from the Foreign Affairs Committee over anti-semitic remarks, Representative Ilhan Omar laid the blame on a secret cabal of Jews working against her.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After being removed from the Foreign Affairs Committee over anti-semitic remarks, Representative Ilhan Omar laid the blame on a secret cabal of Jews working against her.
 
Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral.
Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral.
 
The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
 
Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
 
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
 
Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
 
According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
 
During its annual shareholder meeting, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that their video game about fake people living fake lives would now allow fake genders in a fantasy world devoid of real consequences.
During its annual shareholder meeting, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that their video game about fake people living fake lives would now allow fake genders in a fantasy world devoid of real consequences.
 
A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.
A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.
 
Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
 
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
 
In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is "retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate."
In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is "retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate."
 
In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world
In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world
 
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you're at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don't let this happen to you!
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you're at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don't let this happen to you!
 
After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah's wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah's wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
 
A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
 
First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
 
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.
 
Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.
Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.
 
A healthy prayer life is essential for Christians and the prayer circle is scientifically proven to be the most effective way of praying. Forming an actual circle by holding hands may not be required, but it makes your prayer 10% more audible to God.
A healthy prayer life is essential for Christians and the prayer circle is scientifically proven to be the most effective way of praying. Forming an actual circle by holding hands may not be required, but it makes your prayer 10% more audible to God.
 
Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game's officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.
Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game's officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.
 
Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.
Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.
 
Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week.
Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week.
 
The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration's concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration's concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
 
Senior Pastor Andy Stanley was sidetracked while delivering a sermon Sunday morning at North Point Community Church when the Bible began disagreeing with one of his points.
Senior Pastor Andy Stanley was sidetracked while delivering a sermon Sunday morning at North Point Community Church when the Bible began disagreeing with one of his points.
 
Netflix announced they have acquired the rights to tell the tragic story of Tyre Nichols' death at the hands of 5 black police officers. Leadership at the streaming giant confirmed the police officers will be portrayed by white actors.
Netflix announced they have acquired the rights to tell the tragic story of Tyre Nichols' death at the hands of 5 black police officers. Leadership at the streaming giant confirmed the police officers will be portrayed by white actors.
 
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