Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!
Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!
 
As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.
As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.
 
Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone.
Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone.
 
Harry Splugwarp, a deacon at Straight & Narrow Church, began searching the scriptures fervently for Jesus' teaching about funding Lockheed Martin following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's comments that funding a war in a foreign land was tantamount to feeding someone who was hungry.
Harry Splugwarp, a deacon at Straight & Narrow Church, began searching the scriptures fervently for Jesus' teaching about funding Lockheed Martin following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's comments that funding a war in a foreign land was tantamount to feeding someone who was hungry.
 
The nation can breathe a sigh of relief today as former President Trump announced he has been stockpiling baby formula for seven years after being warned in a dream of the coming shortage.
The nation can breathe a sigh of relief today as former President Trump announced he has been stockpiling baby formula for seven years after being warned in a dream of the coming shortage.
 
After having their homes surrounded by hordes of bloodthirsty commie protestors, the five originalist judges on the Supreme Court reached out for protection from the government, but were denied.
After having their homes surrounded by hordes of bloodthirsty commie protestors, the five originalist judges on the Supreme Court reached out for protection from the government, but were denied.
 
Local introvert Esther Leigh surprised her husband of ten years Thursday by sitting him down and explaining that he'd been mispronouncing her name this whole time.
Local introvert Esther Leigh surprised her husband of ten years Thursday by sitting him down and explaining that he'd been mispronouncing her name this whole time.
 
Biden tried to warn us. He's been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA.
Biden tried to warn us. He's been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA.
 
It's important for kids to read because it nurtures their imagination and will help them understand important concepts like the political background in the world of Dune—or why socialism fails every time it's tried.
It's important for kids to read because it nurtures their imagination and will help them understand important concepts like the political background in the world of Dune—or why socialism fails every time it's tried.
 
MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes.
MOSCOW—Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes.
 
President Biden today announced his plan to address the baby formula crisis, asking each illegal immigrant to please bring one can of formula to drop off when they cross the border.
President Biden today announced his plan to address the baby formula crisis, asking each illegal immigrant to please bring one can of formula to drop off when they cross the border.
 
With infant formula shortages reaching crisis levels across the nation, Pete Buttigieg is struggling to find food for his twin babies and has been forced to resort to chestfeeding.
With infant formula shortages reaching crisis levels across the nation, Pete Buttigieg is struggling to find food for his twin babies and has been forced to resort to chestfeeding.
 
At the suggestion of his agent, his team of attorneys, and his plumber, Johnny Depp had bird spikes installed on his bed to prevent Amber Heard from pooping in it.
At the suggestion of his agent, his team of attorneys, and his plumber, Johnny Depp had bird spikes installed on his bed to prevent Amber Heard from pooping in it.
 
Following the leak of the Supreme Court opinion that could overturn Roe V. Wade, hundreds of abortion advocates traveled to protest outside the homes of the conservative Justices.
Following the leak of the Supreme Court opinion that could overturn Roe V. Wade, hundreds of abortion advocates traveled to protest outside the homes of the conservative Justices.
 
This Wednesday, reports poured in that thousands of babies have been smuggling themselves into Ukraine dressed as Ukrainian soldiers.
This Wednesday, reports poured in that thousands of babies have been smuggling themselves into Ukraine dressed as Ukrainian soldiers.
 
Tired of killing people by accident because you're trying to show off your cool gun? We know how inconvenient that can be. That's why we are huge advocates of common-sense gun safety.
Tired of killing people by accident because you're trying to show off your cool gun? We know how inconvenient that can be. That's why we are huge advocates of common-sense gun safety.
 
PORTLAND, OR —After careful study, marriage experts have concluded that a man who would choose to kill a baby to keep from being stuck with a woman is not really good husband material.
PORTLAND, OR —After careful study, marriage experts have concluded that a man who would choose to kill a baby to keep from being stuck with a woman is not really good husband material.
 
RIPON, CA — When an abrupt knock at the door interrupted his Raiders game, local man Joe Castaneda almost overturned his bowl of tortilla chips.
RIPON, CA — When an abrupt knock at the door interrupted his Raiders game, local man Joe Castaneda almost overturned his bowl of tortilla chips.
 
After a recent announcement that they will pay their female employees to acquire out-of-state abortions, Amazon took things a step further this week by announcing a new one-child policy for all female employees, effective immediately.
After a recent announcement that they will pay their female employees to acquire out-of-state abortions, Amazon took things a step further this week by announcing a new one-child policy for all female employees, effective immediately.
 
Jen Psaki has announced that she is stepping down as White House Press Secretary in order to take up a position as the Mouth of Sauron.
Jen Psaki has announced that she is stepping down as White House Press Secretary in order to take up a position as the Mouth of Sauron.
 
Former President Donald Trump has declared his very first move after victory in 2024 will be to make himself head of the new Disinformation Governance Board.
Former President Donald Trump has declared his very first move after victory in 2024 will be to make himself head of the new Disinformation Governance Board.
 
This morning, Mattel announced the launch of a new Barbie-themed toy: a pregnant Ken doll. The move has been hailed as an exciting step forward for trans inclusion.
This morning, Mattel announced the launch of a new Barbie-themed toy: a pregnant Ken doll. The move has been hailed as an exciting step forward for trans inclusion.
 
During a press conference aimed at praising the Commander-in-Chief's flawless track record, Press Secretary Jen Psaki begrudgingly took a question from some gloom-and-doom journalist describing parents' struggles in finding baby formula.
During a press conference aimed at praising the Commander-in-Chief's flawless track record, Press Secretary Jen Psaki begrudgingly took a question from some gloom-and-doom journalist describing parents' struggles in finding baby formula.
 
A scandal broke this morning when an anonymous source leaked that Disney had artificially ballooned the weekend box office haul for Dr. Strange In The Multiverse Of Madness by including sales from throughout the multiverse in the final ticket count.
A scandal broke this morning when an anonymous source leaked that Disney had artificially ballooned the weekend box office haul for Dr. Strange In The Multiverse Of Madness by including sales from throughout the multiverse in the final ticket count.
 
MORRISTOWN, TN—As an expression of love, devotion, and infinite gratitude, local husband Jerbis Dorvney waited until after midnight on Mother's Day to ask his wife to change their kid's stinky diaper.
MORRISTOWN, TN—As an expression of love, devotion, and infinite gratitude, local husband Jerbis Dorvney waited until after midnight on Mother's Day to ask his wife to change their kid's stinky diaper.
 
According to the town crier, the proud owner of an expensive new sports camel is none other than local hunter/gatherer Methuselah. The local community has reportedly mocked the 484-year-old patriarch for going through a midlife crisis.
According to the town crier, the proud owner of an expensive new sports camel is none other than local hunter/gatherer Methuselah. The local community has reportedly mocked the 484-year-old patriarch for going through a midlife crisis.
 
Orthodox Star Wars fans have reportedly begun preparations for Star Wars Day, which they say occurs on May 11th.
Orthodox Star Wars fans have reportedly begun preparations for Star Wars Day, which they say occurs on May 11th.
 
Abortion activists are criticizing the pro-life movement for caring nothing about the health and care of babies after they've been born, and they are expressing their extreme displeasure by destroying free pregnancy resource centers
Abortion activists are criticizing the pro-life movement for caring nothing about the health and care of babies after they've been born, and they are expressing their extreme displeasure by destroying free pregnancy resource centers
 
The US House of Representatives is scheduled to vote on a healthcare bill that, if passed, will legalize Clinton-assisted suicide in all 50 states.
The US House of Representatives is scheduled to vote on a healthcare bill that, if passed, will legalize Clinton-assisted suicide in all 50 states.
 
LONDON—A new film in the popular James Bond franchise has reportedly been ruined by the casting of a female in the role of agent 007 because she keeps stopping and asking for directions in the middle of car chases.
LONDON—A new film in the popular James Bond franchise has reportedly been ruined by the casting of a female in the role of agent 007 because she keeps stopping and asking for directions in the middle of car chases.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—FBI agents confronted the mob surrounding Justice Kavanaugh's home today, warning them to steer clear of the house next door as a local school board member lives there.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—FBI agents confronted the mob surrounding Justice Kavanaugh's home today, warning them to steer clear of the house next door as a local school board member lives there.
 
With Elon Musk buying Twitter and committing to making it better, there has been much speculation about what he might purchase and restore next. The possibilities are endless!
With Elon Musk buying Twitter and committing to making it better, there has been much speculation about what he might purchase and restore next. The possibilities are endless!
 
A local woman stunned critics Friday by successfully executing a record-breaking 37-point turn in front of Lawndale Elementary School on Bivins St.
A local woman stunned critics Friday by successfully executing a record-breaking 37-point turn in front of Lawndale Elementary School on Bivins St.
 
To accommodate people who prefer sprinkling donuts with coffee instead of fully immersing their donuts in coffee, Dunkin’ Donuts recently announced plans to open new branches of their popular donut shops in communities with a large number of practicing Presbyterians.
To accommodate people who prefer sprinkling donuts with coffee instead of fully immersing their donuts in coffee, Dunkin’ Donuts recently announced plans to open new branches of their popular donut shops in communities with a large number of practicing Presbyterians.
 
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