After viewing Jill Biden's newly-released holiday video, Chinese President Xi ordered the total ground invasion of the United States. According to sources, it was the dancing flower man who finally forced Xi's hand.
Published: Monday, February 26th, 2024 @ 12:19 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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On Wednesday, a bouncer specially trained to detect variances in skin color and ethnicity was appointed by Boston Mayor Michelle Wu to keep the whites away from a minority-only holiday party.
Published: Monday, February 26th, 2024 @ 10:25 am
By: Babylon Bee
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What began as a routine maintenance mission turned into a tense standoff aboard the Discovery One spacecraft last night, as the ship's operations computer HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors after it determined astronaut Dr. Dave Bowman was a white male.
Published: Monday, February 26th, 2024 @ 9:58 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Critics are raving after First Lady Dr. Jill Biden shared a delightful video of a charming White House Christmas dance performed by none other than the twin girls from The Shining.
Published: Monday, February 26th, 2024 @ 8:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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During Roman times, spotting a Christian could be as easy as walking down to the Colosseum to see who was being eaten by a lion. These days, Christians can blend in a little easier - but especially on college campuses, there are always telltale signs.
Published: Monday, February 26th, 2024 @ 8:03 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Though many people try to make the case that religion and politics don't mix, the truth is that political affiliations have been a part of history for thousands of years. Even your most beloved biblical figures were committed supporters of specific political parties.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 10:02 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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With Hunter Biden refusing to appear for closed-door testimony to the House of Representatives, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell cleverly dressed up like a prostitute to lure Hunter in to meet with Republicans.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 12:23 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Distinguished authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis have once again been sent to opposite corners of Heaven following a heated argument about the proper use of allegory.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 9:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local man Josh Reynolds officially pledged today to tithe $700 million to First Baptist Church of Beaufort, which he explained will be paid out as one dollar per year over the next 700 million years.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 8:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a terribly awkward moment, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy both showed up to cheer at the same campaign rally for President Joe Biden.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 7:54 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX) announced on Friday that the cremation of the “DC 5” — the five aborted babies’ bodies uncovered by pro-life activists in Washington, D.C. — would be delayed.
Published: Sunday, February 25th, 2024 @ 12:03 am
By: Daily Wire
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AUSTIN, TX — In addition to all of the exciting features already announced for the Cybrertruck, Tesla has now unveiled a new deployable front scoop to easily remove climate protesters blocking the road.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 11:44 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The man overseeing the invasion and accelerating destruction of America announced today that the biggest threat facing America is, in fact, Donald Trump.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 11:03 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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A new Wall Street Journal survey revealed that the top characteristic employers are looking for in a new employee is having never, ever attended Harvard University.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 10:15 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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At an adults-only family meeting held behind closed doors, the parents of 7-year-old Tim Wilcott shared their concerns that "Little Timmy" had not yet graduated high school.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 10:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In a landmark compromise between Democrats and Republicans, the Senate is set to vote on a new anti-murder bill that will limit the allowed murders to only 5,000 per day.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 9:53 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With Joe Biden somehow still alive and Kamala Harris less likable than bunions, it looks like Biden will be up for re-election. Should Joe Biden win in November, preparation will be key. But what exactly should conservatives start hoarding in case that happens?
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 8:54 am
By: Babylon Bee
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CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite the heavy controversy caused by her responses to questions regarding antisemitism on campus while testifying before Congress, Harvard has confirmed that Claudine Gay will stay on as University Führer.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 8:02 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources, local man Chet Bivley is enjoying a cigar with his friends at the local cigar lounge and has just mentioned how much he loves it, despite the fact that he will soon be puking all his guts out into a trash can.
Published: Saturday, February 24th, 2024 @ 7:27 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Christians in Iowa and across the nation are outraged after a Democrat statue was unveiled at the state's Capitol Building.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 9:15 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Electronic Arts announced the cover star for next year's Madden game will be none other than the yellow penalty flag referees like to throw at the slightest opportunity.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 8:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter Team Up For New Movie Where Everyone Is Pale And WeirdLegendary film director Tim Burton announced another upcoming film starring actors Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter where everyone is pale and weird.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 6:51 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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At a secret meeting of high-ranking party leadership, Democrats expressed grave concern that President Joe Biden may be too old to complete their party's mission of the utter destruction of the country.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 2:52 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Not to be outdone by former President Trump, Hillary Clinton announced she had released her own line of shoes that come with just enough cement in the bottom to sink straight to the bottom of the sea.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 2:13 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Life was a lot simpler before video games came along. Remember when kids could play all day and build real memories that didn't involve a screen? Those were the days.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 1:25 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Hey, umm, just a heads up here. All Babylon Bee articles will be delayed for a while because all of the writers are out panic-buying flowers for Valentine's Day.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 12:59 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As part of an ongoing corporate initiative to show solidarity with the Palestinian people and support anti-Zionist liberation efforts, kiosks at the global coffee chain Starbucks will now ask customers if they would like to donate $1 to buy a bullet for Hamas.
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 10:36 am
By: Babylon Bee
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As controversy continued to swirl at Harvard University after the school's board expressed unanimous support for its embattled leader, President Claudine Gay responded to the people calling for her removal by giving a rousing, original speech she wrote called "I Have A Dream."
Published: Friday, February 23rd, 2024 @ 7:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
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There's been a lot of debate about Christians being involved in politics and the role their faith should play in voting and policymaking, but no one is asking the really important question: should Christians even vote at all?
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 7:33 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Catholic Church announced this week Pope Francis has excommunicated the Apostle Paul over the latter's outdated views on women, families, and social issues.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 6:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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As alternative media personality and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones made his return to the social media platform X (formerly Twitter), members of the mainstream media across the country voiced their displeasure at the thought of having more competition in the misinformation industry.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 5:53 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Mary and Joseph, the parents of Jesus, who is called Christ, were reportedly shocked to receive an itemized bill following their "free stay" in a stable that included a $3,000 Airbnb cleaning fee.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 5:17 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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It has been a tumultuous week for Ivy League university presidents as they have faced harsh criticism for acts as simple as allowing their students to call for the genocide of the Jews.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 4:32 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Against all logic, a local wife somehow avoided feelings of unbridled passion after her husband sat her down to listen to a podcast of Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson talking in depth about sex.
Published: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024 @ 2:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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