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Babylon Bee's Entries

White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.
White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.
 
According to several reports, so-called "conservative" Mike Pence hasn't even been raided by the FBI yet.
According to several reports, so-called "conservative" Mike Pence hasn't even been raided by the FBI yet.
 
In an all-too-common occurrence this afternoon, local Christian man Quincy Paulson was about to tweet a brutal, savage, blistering takedown of his opponents on social media.
In an all-too-common occurrence this afternoon, local Christian man Quincy Paulson was about to tweet a brutal, savage, blistering takedown of his opponents on social media.
 
In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice's Facebook account was hacked again.
In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice's Facebook account was hacked again.
 
You may think you need to pay a college $150,000 to do the essential job of brainwashing your kid, but thankfully, there are other ways to skin a cat!
You may think you need to pay a college $150,000 to do the essential job of brainwashing your kid, but thankfully, there are other ways to skin a cat!
 
According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the '90s — is thanking God she didn't grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.
According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the '90s — is thanking God she didn't grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.
 
We at The Babylon Bee want to help de-code common marital communications between the spouses, whether it's helping husbands know whether their wives are mad at them or helping wives to understand the mixed signals, coded messages, and confounding double-speak from the complicated creatures
We at The Babylon Bee want to help de-code common marital communications between the spouses, whether it's helping husbands know whether their wives are mad at them or helping wives to understand the mixed signals, coded messages, and confounding double-speak from the complicated creatures
 
Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration's overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say.
Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration's overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say.
 
According to sources, local father Jon Patterson grabbed a map as soon as his family entered the gates at Disneyland over the weekend. Patterson then barked orders like some battle-hardened general or squad leader executing a daring battle plan to his troops.
According to sources, local father Jon Patterson grabbed a map as soon as his family entered the gates at Disneyland over the weekend. Patterson then barked orders like some battle-hardened general or squad leader executing a daring battle plan to his troops.
 
Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House.
Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House.
 
Local man Tom Goodwin completely embarrassed himself at church this morning after being forced to resort to his Bible tabs to locate the book of Habakkuk.
Local man Tom Goodwin completely embarrassed himself at church this morning after being forced to resort to his Bible tabs to locate the book of Habakkuk.
 
After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.
After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.
 
After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald's ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ's Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.
After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald's ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ's Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.
 
We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.
We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.
 
Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening!
Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening!
 
In light of so-called "gender affirming care" making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath "Mutilate Kids For Money."
In light of so-called "gender affirming care" making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath "Mutilate Kids For Money."
 
The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.
The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.
 
Hara-Kiri Blades has released a new tactical knife that is the same one used by Navy SEALs to open the Amazon packages their wives receive.
Hara-Kiri Blades has released a new tactical knife that is the same one used by Navy SEALs to open the Amazon packages their wives receive.
 
After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
 
Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump's Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.
Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump's Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.
 
Scholars have finally confirmed that it's not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.
Scholars have finally confirmed that it's not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.
 
With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump's residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified.
With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump's residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified.
 
Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
 
President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization.
President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization.
 
Former President Donald Trump avoided incriminating himself in a deposition with New York A.G. Letitia James by pleading the fifth amendment right to remain silent.
Former President Donald Trump avoided incriminating himself in a deposition with New York A.G. Letitia James by pleading the fifth amendment right to remain silent.
 
The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
 
According to sources, local dad Trey Marson is historically known by his kids as the most hilarious, fun, smart dad on earth.
According to sources, local dad Trey Marson is historically known by his kids as the most hilarious, fun, smart dad on earth.
 
Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor.
Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor.
 
FBI Director Christopher Wray has come under criticism for his raiding of former President Trump's residence.
FBI Director Christopher Wray has come under criticism for his raiding of former President Trump's residence.
 
President Joe Biden has vetoed the Inflation Reduction Act even before it could be passed by the House, explaining that there was no need for it since inflation was already at 0%.
President Joe Biden has vetoed the Inflation Reduction Act even before it could be passed by the House, explaining that there was no need for it since inflation was already at 0%.
 
A new report is predicting a 0% unemployment rate by the year 2026, as every American will be working for the IRS and be hard at work auditing other American citizens who work for the IRS.
A new report is predicting a 0% unemployment rate by the year 2026, as every American will be working for the IRS and be hard at work auditing other American citizens who work for the IRS.
 
In what many are calling the most powerful 5th Amendment plea ever, enlightened Trump has taken a vow of silence.
In what many are calling the most powerful 5th Amendment plea ever, enlightened Trump has taken a vow of silence.
 
Lebron James was spotted teaching his son Bronny basic basketball fundamentals on Tuesday, according to TMZ and assorted stalkers. In a touching father-son moment caught on camera, the NBA star taught his boy how to flop.
Lebron James was spotted teaching his son Bronny basic basketball fundamentals on Tuesday, according to TMZ and assorted stalkers. In a touching father-son moment caught on camera, the NBA star taught his boy how to flop.
 
New reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that during Monday's raid, FBI agents searching the house ran quickly to see the safe only to find it empty with an angel of the Lord standing beside it.
New reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that during Monday's raid, FBI agents searching the house ran quickly to see the safe only to find it empty with an angel of the Lord standing beside it.
 
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