Babylon Bee | Eastern NC Now

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

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Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

Roku has become a popular software platform, with more and more smart TVs incorporating its streaming services.
Roku has become a popular software platform, with more and more smart TVs incorporating its streaming services.
 
With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don't like.
With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don't like.
 
According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is
According to sources close to local man Greg Bernard, the construction sales representative, husband, and father of five often makes cracks about how emotional and moody his wife is
 
Spirit Airlines has hammered yet another nail into the coffin of ableism by hiring the world's first blind commercial airline pilot. Flight 2047 from Orlando to Saint Louis is set to be the first vision-impaired flight. The co-pilot will reportedly wear a blindfold for the duration of
Spirit Airlines has hammered yet another nail into the coffin of ableism by hiring the world's first blind commercial airline pilot. Flight 2047 from Orlando to Saint Louis is set to be the first vision-impaired flight. The co-pilot will reportedly wear a blindfold for the duration of
 
After being dropped by Adidas and several other lucrative sponsors for controversial comments about the Jews, Kanye West has desperately been looking for other companies who might be willing to sponsor him.
After being dropped by Adidas and several other lucrative sponsors for controversial comments about the Jews, Kanye West has desperately been looking for other companies who might be willing to sponsor him.
 
Babylon Bee writers are scrambling to come up with a last-minute new joke worth the $44 billion Elon Musk spent to bring the satirists back on Twitter.
Babylon Bee writers are scrambling to come up with a last-minute new joke worth the $44 billion Elon Musk spent to bring the satirists back on Twitter.
 
Despite the fact that Americans view at least 327 prescription drug ads per day, we don't seem to be very healthy!
Despite the fact that Americans view at least 327 prescription drug ads per day, we don't seem to be very healthy!
 
Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say "Let that sink in,"
Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say "Let that sink in,"
 
Only hours after officially taking over Twitter, Elon Musk has taken action on firing underperforming employees. After reviewing the metrics on individual employee productivity, Musk abruptly fired 3,200 Twitter team members and replaced them with Amar.
Only hours after officially taking over Twitter, Elon Musk has taken action on firing underperforming employees. After reviewing the metrics on individual employee productivity, Musk abruptly fired 3,200 Twitter team members and replaced them with Amar.
 
Democrats were praised by ableism awareness advocates this week for nominating a blind possum with brain damage to the Senate race in Pennsylvania.
Democrats were praised by ableism awareness advocates this week for nominating a blind possum with brain damage to the Senate race in Pennsylvania.
 
According to sources at the White House, Joe Biden admitted after his interview with trans TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney that he didn't "feel right" about the meeting, as "something kind of smelled off about that broad."
According to sources at the White House, Joe Biden admitted after his interview with trans TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney that he didn't "feel right" about the meeting, as "something kind of smelled off about that broad."
 
As Elon Musk takes over Twitter this week and begins looking for ways to make the $44 billion-dollar company more profitable, some employees are starting to worry about the future of their jobs.
As Elon Musk takes over Twitter this week and begins looking for ways to make the $44 billion-dollar company more profitable, some employees are starting to worry about the future of their jobs.
 
According to sources, Senate candidate John Fetterman was eating a quiet breakfast this morning when he suddenly blurted out the rest of the answer to question 3 of the debate from two nights ago.
According to sources, Senate candidate John Fetterman was eating a quiet breakfast this morning when he suddenly blurted out the rest of the answer to question 3 of the debate from two nights ago.
 
OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN GRAVE DANGER, and the only way to save it is to be informed! That's why the democracy experts at the Babylon Bee have written the definitive guide to our constitutional republic.
OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN GRAVE DANGER, and the only way to save it is to be informed! That's why the democracy experts at the Babylon Bee have written the definitive guide to our constitutional republic.
 
It can be hard to bother voting, especially when every election that hasn't gone your way has been rigged. But don't give up; you can do plenty to keep our elections safe and fair.
It can be hard to bother voting, especially when every election that hasn't gone your way has been rigged. But don't give up; you can do plenty to keep our elections safe and fair.
 
Following a roller coaster of negotiations and threats of legal action, Elon Musk is now at the final stretch of acquiring Twitter. With this purchase, Musk has announced plans to reduce Twitter's workforce to only 280 characters.
Following a roller coaster of negotiations and threats of legal action, Elon Musk is now at the final stretch of acquiring Twitter. With this purchase, Musk has announced plans to reduce Twitter's workforce to only 280 characters.
 
After inviting biological man Dylan Mulvaney to the White House to discuss the challenges of being a woman, the Biden White House has announced a follow-up summit in which he will host Jimmy Kimmel for an in-depth discussion on what it's like to be black.
After inviting biological man Dylan Mulvaney to the White House to discuss the challenges of being a woman, the Biden White House has announced a follow-up summit in which he will host Jimmy Kimmel for an in-depth discussion on what it's like to be black.
 
Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania's open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that "Fetterman" was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania's open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that "Fetterman" was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
 
According to sources, Daily Wire political commentator Matt Walsh is horrified after DailyWire+ announced a new Matt Walsh-themed anime series entitled Libslayer One-Beard Man With Walrus.
According to sources, Daily Wire political commentator Matt Walsh is horrified after DailyWire+ announced a new Matt Walsh-themed anime series entitled Libslayer One-Beard Man With Walrus.
 
After witnessing last night's debate between Senate candidates Mehmet Oz and John Fetterman, the people of Pennsylvania have overwhelmingly voted to just have no representation in the Senate at all.
After witnessing last night's debate between Senate candidates Mehmet Oz and John Fetterman, the people of Pennsylvania have overwhelmingly voted to just have no representation in the Senate at all.
 
Democracy is very fragile. Be careful with it! Stray but a little and democracy shall fail.
Democracy is very fragile. Be careful with it! Stray but a little and democracy shall fail.
 
After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms.
After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms.
 
White House security is in turmoil after it was revealed that former President Donald Trump had snuck back into the White House by disguising himself as a trans TikTok star.
White House security is in turmoil after it was revealed that former President Donald Trump had snuck back into the White House by disguising himself as a trans TikTok star.
 
After making anti Semitic comments in several interviews, Kanye West has lost several key sponsors, including Adidas. Now, it seems, he has hit rock bottom as authorities confirmed he has been incinerated by the Jewish Space Laser.
After making anti Semitic comments in several interviews, Kanye West has lost several key sponsors, including Adidas. Now, it seems, he has hit rock bottom as authorities confirmed he has been incinerated by the Jewish Space Laser.
 
A local man was suddenly struck with fear as he stood in line to enter Heaven when Saint Peter unexpectedly asked him to answer how many warriors were in the tribe of Simeon at the time of the Exodus.
A local man was suddenly struck with fear as he stood in line to enter Heaven when Saint Peter unexpectedly asked him to answer how many warriors were in the tribe of Simeon at the time of the Exodus.
 
Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire universe — which he also apparently created.
Global leaders are shaken after researchers uncovered a young Jewish man from Nazareth at the center of a dark plot to control the entire universe — which he also apparently created.
 
Local man Alan Tucker patiently waited for his entire family to fall asleep so he could hide in the office to listen to Taylor Swift's newest album Midnights.
Local man Alan Tucker patiently waited for his entire family to fall asleep so he could hide in the office to listen to Taylor Swift's newest album Midnights.
 
With the 2022 midterms just around the corner, Democrat lawmakers have formed the "United States House Select Committee to Investigate Who Did All Those Lockdowns and Vaccine Mandates" in hopes of finding out just who was behind all of those school closures, mask mandates, arrests
With the 2022 midterms just around the corner, Democrat lawmakers have formed the "United States House Select Committee to Investigate Who Did All Those Lockdowns and Vaccine Mandates" in hopes of finding out just who was behind all of those school closures, mask mandates, arrests
 
Local man Alex McCarthy has reported high levels of well-being, with his career trajectory, family life, and leadership in his church and community all on an upward trajectory.
Local man Alex McCarthy has reported high levels of well-being, with his career trajectory, family life, and leadership in his church and community all on an upward trajectory.
 
Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle.
Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle.
 
Following a raft of new polls this week showing GOP gains in key Senate battleground states, Republicans were seen Googling "What to do after winning an election," while dabbing beads of sweat from their brows.
Following a raft of new polls this week showing GOP gains in key Senate battleground states, Republicans were seen Googling "What to do after winning an election," while dabbing beads of sweat from their brows.
 
YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind's Bible-reading experience.
YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind's Bible-reading experience.
 
So, you've learned from Stacey Abrams that you can deal with high food and gas prices by murdering your children - but what other problems in your life could be solved by simply offing your kids?
So, you've learned from Stacey Abrams that you can deal with high food and gas prices by murdering your children - but what other problems in your life could be solved by simply offing your kids?
 
After another disastrous trip to the salon, local introvert Sam Johnson has resigned himself to a lifetime of awful haircuts.
After another disastrous trip to the salon, local introvert Sam Johnson has resigned himself to a lifetime of awful haircuts.
 
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