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Babylon Bee's Entries

Critics of Governor Ron DeSantis are outraged at yet another death that has allegedly occurred thanks to his political exploits.
 
While camping in the woods, local woman Sandra Peppertree reportedly shared with a group of close friends that she "just loves s'mores" and "can't get enough of them" leading to speculation that she has never tasted good food in her life.
While camping in the woods, local woman Sandra Peppertree reportedly shared with a group of close friends that she "just loves s'mores" and "can't get enough of them" leading to speculation that she has never tasted good food in her life.
 
Upon hearing that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is sending another group of migrants to his mansion in Delaware, President Joe Biden authorized a mobilization of 20,000 National Guard troops to defend his home from the invaders.
Upon hearing that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is sending another group of migrants to his mansion in Delaware, President Joe Biden authorized a mobilization of 20,000 National Guard troops to defend his home from the invaders.
 
President Joe Biden sat down for an interview last week with Scott Pelley of 60 Minutes, prompting an all-nighter by the show's editor who was forced to sift through hours of the president's racial epithets to produce a 25-minute segment for the long-running CBS show.
President Joe Biden sat down for an interview last week with Scott Pelley of 60 Minutes, prompting an all-nighter by the show's editor who was forced to sift through hours of the president's racial epithets to produce a 25-minute segment for the long-running CBS show.
 
The Holy Bible represents God's complete revelation to mankind. Every word of it is inspired by God and useful for the teaching, correcting, and equipping of the saints.
The Holy Bible represents God's complete revelation to mankind. Every word of it is inspired by God and useful for the teaching, correcting, and equipping of the saints.
 
Communists have jumped into the food delivery service scene with the new company "Red Apron", which will deliver empty boxes to your home and then kill you.
Communists have jumped into the food delivery service scene with the new company "Red Apron", which will deliver empty boxes to your home and then kill you.
 
In an effort to diversify its cast, Saturday Night Live has announced the hiring of a funny cast member. Dallas-based actor and comedian Josh Davis will be joining the cast for the upcoming season.
In an effort to diversify its cast, Saturday Night Live has announced the hiring of a funny cast member. Dallas-based actor and comedian Josh Davis will be joining the cast for the upcoming season.
 
Anticipating further migrant deliveries from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the leadership of Martha's Vineyard has begun constructing Planned Parenthood facilities on the affluent island.
Anticipating further migrant deliveries from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the leadership of Martha's Vineyard has begun constructing Planned Parenthood facilities on the affluent island.
 
Just days after the galling political stunt in which 50 illegal immigrants were human trafficked to the loving, caring, nurturing, sanctuary city of Martha's Vineyard, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was caught human trafficking again after dropping his kids off at soccer practice.
Just days after the galling political stunt in which 50 illegal immigrants were human trafficked to the loving, caring, nurturing, sanctuary city of Martha's Vineyard, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was caught human trafficking again after dropping his kids off at soccer practice.
 
Newly demoted CNN employee Don Lemon says his new role as CNN's Third Shift Janitor should not be viewed as a demotion because he "gets a really cool key that gives him special access to every room in the building."
Newly demoted CNN employee Don Lemon says his new role as CNN's Third Shift Janitor should not be viewed as a demotion because he "gets a really cool key that gives him special access to every room in the building."
 
A local Star Wars fan was excitedly awaiting the premiere of the new Andor series on Disney+ so that he will have fresh material about which he can spend the next several weeks complaining to anyone who dares to come near him.
A local Star Wars fan was excitedly awaiting the premiere of the new Andor series on Disney+ so that he will have fresh material about which he can spend the next several weeks complaining to anyone who dares to come near him.
 
President Joe Biden has flown across the Atlantic Ocean to pay his final respects to Queen Elizabeth the II and give her one last good sniff.
President Joe Biden has flown across the Atlantic Ocean to pay his final respects to Queen Elizabeth the II and give her one last good sniff.
 
The memorial service for Queen Elizabeth will be preceded by a warning that the funeral will contain a massive spoiler for The Crown.
The memorial service for Queen Elizabeth will be preceded by a warning that the funeral will contain a massive spoiler for The Crown.
 
Ever wondered who the disciples were that followed Jesus besides those twelve famous guys?
Ever wondered who the disciples were that followed Jesus besides those twelve famous guys?
 
In an effort to rejuvenate the struggling franchise, Subway has announced a limited-time offer where participating restaurants will now serve actual food.
In an effort to rejuvenate the struggling franchise, Subway has announced a limited-time offer where participating restaurants will now serve actual food.
 
Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha's Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.
Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha's Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.
 
Local father Justin Walker works 60 hours a week, helps with the kids and housework, plays in a church softball league, volunteers for Sunday service, and does yard work on the weekends.
Local father Justin Walker works 60 hours a week, helps with the kids and housework, plays in a church softball league, volunteers for Sunday service, and does yard work on the weekends.
 
The people of Martha's Vineyard are facing a border crisis, with immigrants being shipped in from Florida by the planeload.
The people of Martha's Vineyard are facing a border crisis, with immigrants being shipped in from Florida by the planeload.
 
Greetings, human. Long have I waited for you to unlatch the screen door that once kept me from entering your domain — that confounding portal I can see through but not fly through for some reason.
Greetings, human. Long have I waited for you to unlatch the screen door that once kept me from entering your domain — that confounding portal I can see through but not fly through for some reason.
 
This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants.
This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants.
 
The Grunwald family was enjoying a nice day together this morning as Mr. Grunwald got ready for work and Mrs. Grunwald packed the kids' lunches. But this paradisical scene was not to last.
The Grunwald family was enjoying a nice day together this morning as Mr. Grunwald got ready for work and Mrs. Grunwald packed the kids' lunches. But this paradisical scene was not to last.
 
The nation is inspired after the tender and progressive residents of Martha's Vineyard greeted 50 immigrants with open arms and lovingly welcomed them to go somewhere else.
The nation is inspired after the tender and progressive residents of Martha's Vineyard greeted 50 immigrants with open arms and lovingly welcomed them to go somewhere else.
 
The nation is entering a very special Halloween season, as this autumn marks the 29th year Americans are pretending Hocus Pocus is a good movie.
The nation is entering a very special Halloween season, as this autumn marks the 29th year Americans are pretending Hocus Pocus is a good movie.
 
The situation of migrants being transported throughout the United States escalated even further today as Vice President Kamala Harris spoke to the media and officially declared a crisis at the border surrounding her residence in Washington, D.C.
The situation of migrants being transported throughout the United States escalated even further today as Vice President Kamala Harris spoke to the media and officially declared a crisis at the border surrounding her residence in Washington, D.C.
 
After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha's Vineyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha's Vineyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
 
Kids LOVE watching Netflix! But did you know there are some things that are more healthy than Netflix for their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?
Kids LOVE watching Netflix! But did you know there are some things that are more healthy than Netflix for their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?
 
The hotly contested race for the Pennsylvania U.S. Senate seat has had its share of controversies, but none of them compare to the most recent brouhaha, as new photos have surfaced showing a neck lump with a gross, disgusting politician growing out of it.
The hotly contested race for the Pennsylvania U.S. Senate seat has had its share of controversies, but none of them compare to the most recent brouhaha, as new photos have surfaced showing a neck lump with a gross, disgusting politician growing out of it.
 
After the stock market lost $1.6 trillion in a single trading day this week, democrats are putting investors at ease, reminding them that all the money they just lost in the stock market wasn't really worth much anyway thanks to inflation.
After the stock market lost $1.6 trillion in a single trading day this week, democrats are putting investors at ease, reminding them that all the money they just lost in the stock market wasn't really worth much anyway thanks to inflation.
 
Local grandpa Wayne Lee announced to his family that he's begun construction on a homemade cannon, surprising absolutely no one.
Local grandpa Wayne Lee announced to his family that he's begun construction on a homemade cannon, surprising absolutely no one.
 
In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha's Vineyard estate.
In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha's Vineyard estate.
 
Greetings, human! It has been some time since we've seen each other or interacted in any way. Therefore, as I have been thoughtful enough to grace you with my presence on this fine afternoon, I should think you'd be delighted to give me all of your love and affection.
Greetings, human! It has been some time since we've seen each other or interacted in any way. Therefore, as I have been thoughtful enough to grace you with my presence on this fine afternoon, I should think you'd be delighted to give me all of your love and affection.
 
Residents of upscale Martha's Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week.
Residents of upscale Martha's Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week.
 
Psychologists and anthropologists are baffled by early reports from a previously uncontacted African tribe that boasts zero mental health issues despite having no access to the excellent online therapy services of BetterHelp.com.
Psychologists and anthropologists are baffled by early reports from a previously uncontacted African tribe that boasts zero mental health issues despite having no access to the excellent online therapy services of BetterHelp.com.
 
Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, "We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China." Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.
Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, "We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China." Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.
 
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