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Babylon Bee's Entries

Scandal. Conspiracy. The beast which comes forth from the sea to make war with the saints and to overcome them.
Scandal. Conspiracy. The beast which comes forth from the sea to make war with the saints and to overcome them.
 
The Respect for Marriage Act, which legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide, is expected to pass Congress.
The Respect for Marriage Act, which legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide, is expected to pass Congress.
 
Following Donald Trump's Tuesday announcement of his 2024 campaign, many Americans are remembering a time when we finished one election before starting another.
Following Donald Trump's Tuesday announcement of his 2024 campaign, many Americans are remembering a time when we finished one election before starting another.
 
This week, CBS News confirmed that Hunter Biden's laptop detailing illegal acts, including foreign financial entanglements that involved President Joe Biden, was indeed legitimate.
This week, CBS News confirmed that Hunter Biden's laptop detailing illegal acts, including foreign financial entanglements that involved President Joe Biden, was indeed legitimate.
 
Trump is going to be president again! No, really! And when he takes office he's going to make America great and glorious again.
Trump is going to be president again! No, really! And when he takes office he's going to make America great and glorious again.
 
With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts.
With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts.
 
After a bruising campaign and a protracted process of tabulating results, local man Mike Vaughan's wife has gained control of the house in a slim but decisive majority of 1 vote per wife and 1 vote per husband.
After a bruising campaign and a protracted process of tabulating results, local man Mike Vaughan's wife has gained control of the house in a slim but decisive majority of 1 vote per wife and 1 vote per husband.
 
Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday he would be opening an exclusive company cafeteria that would sell items for $8.00 each
Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday he would be opening an exclusive company cafeteria that would sell items for $8.00 each
 
Last night President Trump made the announcement that he will be running for a historic third term as president after already winning the two previous ones.
Last night President Trump made the announcement that he will be running for a historic third term as president after already winning the two previous ones.
 
According to sources, a local pediatrician has just wrapped up his round of daily calls with concerned parents in which he assures them their child's cold will only last another 3 to 4 years.
According to sources, a local pediatrician has just wrapped up his round of daily calls with concerned parents in which he assures them their child's cold will only last another 3 to 4 years.
 
Everyone knows that if you don't go to college, you will be a total loser with no future. Don't let that happen to you!
Everyone knows that if you don't go to college, you will be a total loser with no future. Don't let that happen to you!
 
Though votes from the 2022 midterm elections are still being tallied, the writing's on the wall: Republicans blew it.
Though votes from the 2022 midterm elections are still being tallied, the writing's on the wall: Republicans blew it.
 
According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.
According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.
 
The nation is effervescent with anticipation for Donald J. Trump's upcoming announcement.
The nation is effervescent with anticipation for Donald J. Trump's upcoming announcement.
 
The United States has solved the crisis in Ukraine after Congress voted to install a "gun-free zone" sign in Ukraine. The sign is expected to put an end to the Russia-Ukraine crisis, which began in 2014 with fighting in isolated regions before escalating to a full-scale land invasion
The United States has solved the crisis in Ukraine after Congress voted to install a "gun-free zone" sign in Ukraine. The sign is expected to put an end to the Russia-Ukraine crisis, which began in 2014 with fighting in isolated regions before escalating to a full-scale land invasion
 
In a stunning outcome to a highly scrutinized race, Katie Hobbs, the charismatic leader and official vote counter of Arizona, has emerged victorious after 108% of the state's voting precincts reported in.
In a stunning outcome to a highly scrutinized race, Katie Hobbs, the charismatic leader and official vote counter of Arizona, has emerged victorious after 108% of the state's voting precincts reported in.
 
You don't need to be a boring he/him anymore! Now you can wow your friends and jazz up your life with new winter catalog pronouns!
You don't need to be a boring he/him anymore! Now you can wow your friends and jazz up your life with new winter catalog pronouns!
 
Local reports indicate that local father Jeffrey Knickerflogg ascended to legendary status Monday evening after he surprised his family by bringing home pizza for dinner.
Local reports indicate that local father Jeffrey Knickerflogg ascended to legendary status Monday evening after he surprised his family by bringing home pizza for dinner.
 
The Babylon Bee has obtained the inside scoop regarding Donald J. Trump's big upcoming announcement, and is first to report that the 45th President of the United States bowled a perfect 300 in Wii Sports.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the inside scoop regarding Donald J. Trump's big upcoming announcement, and is first to report that the 45th President of the United States bowled a perfect 300 in Wii Sports.
 
After several days of vote counting, media outlets are now projecting that Joe Manchin will retain control of the Senate.
After several days of vote counting, media outlets are now projecting that Joe Manchin will retain control of the Senate.
 
Archaeologists have discovered glitter still hopelessly stuck in the carpet dating back to the first known Vacation Bible School in the year 150 A.D.
Archaeologists have discovered glitter still hopelessly stuck in the carpet dating back to the first known Vacation Bible School in the year 150 A.D.
 
In a bold move to help raise breast cancer awareness, actor Rainn Wilson has legally changed his name to "Booby McBoobface".
In a bold move to help raise breast cancer awareness, actor Rainn Wilson has legally changed his name to "Booby McBoobface".
 
There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!
There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!
 
Multiple sources have confirmed that local man Dan Zilph's Instagram account exists solely to wish his wife "happy birthday" every year.
Multiple sources have confirmed that local man Dan Zilph's Instagram account exists solely to wish his wife "happy birthday" every year.
 
As civilization continues to decline, experts have now pinpointed the exact moment humanity reached its tipping point: January 16, 1999, when Batman: The Animated Series ended its run.
As civilization continues to decline, experts have now pinpointed the exact moment humanity reached its tipping point: January 16, 1999, when Batman: The Animated Series ended its run.
 
PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Trump's ambitious bid to be DeSantis's VP running mate in 2024 is off to a rocky start this week after Trump wrote a long missive criticizing Governor DeSantis with the incisive new nickname "Ron DeSanctimonious."
PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Trump's ambitious bid to be DeSantis's VP running mate in 2024 is off to a rocky start this week after Trump wrote a long missive criticizing Governor DeSantis with the incisive new nickname "Ron DeSanctimonious."
 
After an intense competition, the winner of a local Miss America beauty pageant for a college scholarship was revealed to be the Patriarchy.
After an intense competition, the winner of a local Miss America beauty pageant for a college scholarship was revealed to be the Patriarchy.
 
The thousands of babies alive today because of the Dobbs ruling have apologized to Republicans for contributing to their lackluster midterm results.
The thousands of babies alive today because of the Dobbs ruling have apologized to Republicans for contributing to their lackluster midterm results.
 
Senator-elect John Fetterman has finally realized the American dream by living with his parents until at least the age of 50 before smoothly transitioning into a cushy government job.
Senator-elect John Fetterman has finally realized the American dream by living with his parents until at least the age of 50 before smoothly transitioning into a cushy government job.
 
When U-Haul announced an investment in a massive project in California, the state leadership's panic over continued population loss subsided.
When U-Haul announced an investment in a massive project in California, the state leadership's panic over continued population loss subsided.
 
Following the publication of an influential paper presented at an ecumenical conference exploring Isaac's troubled relationship with his father Abraham, most historians now believe that Isaac found excuses to avoid hikes, camping trips, and father-son wilderness outings
Following the publication of an influential paper presented at an ecumenical conference exploring Isaac's troubled relationship with his father Abraham, most historians now believe that Isaac found excuses to avoid hikes, camping trips, and father-son wilderness outings
 
In an unexpected turn of events, Saturday Night Live is working on what is being anticipated by critics and viewers alike as its funniest episode in decades following a writers' boycott in protest of comedian Dave Chapelle hosting the show.
In an unexpected turn of events, Saturday Night Live is working on what is being anticipated by critics and viewers alike as its funniest episode in decades following a writers' boycott in protest of comedian Dave Chapelle hosting the show.
 
Wherever your political loyalties lie, you were probably disappointed in the result of the most recent election.
Wherever your political loyalties lie, you were probably disappointed in the result of the most recent election.
 
The 2022 midterm elections ended with a heap of disappointments and shattered expectations for the Republican party.
The 2022 midterm elections ended with a heap of disappointments and shattered expectations for the Republican party.
 
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