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While today's churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy.
Published: Sunday, September 4th, 2022 @ 3:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.
Published: Sunday, September 4th, 2022 @ 1:38 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After a standout performance in the FBI's latest work, Sharpie has landed a huge endorsement deal as the preferred highlighter of America's federal agents.
Published: Sunday, September 4th, 2022 @ 12:26 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced a new drug to fix the side effect from their last new drug, which was developed to fix the side effect from the one before that.
Published: Saturday, September 3rd, 2022 @ 9:25 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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NEW YORK - Unknown last-minute entrant Novako Djomuñoz has suddenly become the talk of the U.S. Open tennis tournament, showing world-class talent as he swept through qualifiers.
Published: Saturday, September 3rd, 2022 @ 6:46 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Perry family made their annual appearance at Oak Hills Birthing Center this week, getting their punch card stamped for the sixth time -- and now they're just one more stamp away from getting a free delivery, according to sources.
Published: Saturday, September 3rd, 2022 @ 6:18 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Authorities responded to a level 5 event in Boca Raton Friday after Ben Shapiro casually strolled through a Whole Foods Market, resulting in the death of thousands.
Published: Saturday, September 3rd, 2022 @ 12:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Today's affidavit from the Department of Justice that spelled out the reason for raiding Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago was a doozy.
Published: Friday, September 2nd, 2022 @ 10:32 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The nation is reportedly facing yet another shortage under the Biden administration, this time on black printer ink.
Published: Friday, September 2nd, 2022 @ 5:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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After Mark Zuckerberg leaked news that the FBI had instructed Facebook to censor posts about Hunter's laptop, the FBI immediately called Zuckerberg to tell him to censor any posts about that censorship.
Published: Friday, September 2nd, 2022 @ 2:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Harvard University announced Friday that they have recruited U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren to teach a class on why college is so expensive.
Published: Friday, September 2nd, 2022 @ 5:50 am
By: Babylon Bee
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The Department of Justice has released the redacted affidavit leading to the search of former president Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago, and it appears every single word was blacked out except three in the middle: ORANGE MAN BAD.
Published: Thursday, September 1st, 2022 @ 3:16 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.
Published: Thursday, September 1st, 2022 @ 10:41 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A surprising new study found that the average lifetime earnings of graduates who have earned a gender studies degree rose sharply to $10,000 this week.
Published: Thursday, September 1st, 2022 @ 9:45 am
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources, local woman Grace Barton committed to reveal her most recent Target receipt to her husband by noon today, but when she submitted the document, almost every word and line item on the receipt was redacted with a thick black bar.
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 11:26 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Local wife and mother of three Hannah Baxter was tired of constantly reminding her husband, Brad, to put his socks in the dirty clothes hamper.
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 9:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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New dad Lowell Cherry said that he is recovering well after a trying ordeal in the delivery room for the birth of his fifth child.
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 6:22 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Apple has added an exciting new reality show to its streaming lineup which will follow the Clintons around as they murder anyone who might have dirt on them.
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 5:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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"Whoa, bro. Whoa," said Joe Rogan as he interviewed Mark Zuckerberg earlier this week. "Did... did you just, like, blink your eyes sideways?"
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 2:37 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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President Biden has recently announced that he will be canceling $10,000 in student loan debt for all borrowers who cannot pay for loans they were forced into against their will.
Published: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022 @ 10:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 11:27 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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According to sources, fan-favorite superhero lawyer She-Hulk continued to insist to her husband today that she is "fine", while literally turning into a green rage monster.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 9:10 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China's top government officers
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 11:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Canceling debts is popular! As it turns out, Americans love it when the consequences of their own poor choices are paid for by others.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 9:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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On the heels of news that the Biden Administration is forgiving tens of thousands of dollars' worth of student loan debt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began pushing the White House to offer the same relief to Americans with outstanding bar tabs.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 3:14 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Local father of three Kirk Watson once again exploited his children's insatiable desire for fast food to get himself some McDonald's, say sources.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 2:49 am
By: Babylon Bee
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New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez showed her solidarity with Biden's move to use poor taxpayers' money to pay off wealthier Americans' student loan debt, donning a "Tax The Poor" dress and posing for pictures.
Published: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022 @ 2:31 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Biden To Forgive $10k In Student Loans -- In Unrelated News, Nation’s Colleges Raise Tuition By $10kPresident Biden announced plans today to forgive $10,000 in student loan debt for anyone making less than $125k per year.
Published: Monday, August 29th, 2022 @ 5:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Hey capitalists! You still think your system is perfect? Well, think again! Capitalism is one of the worst things to happen to humanity and we'll show you why.
Published: Monday, August 29th, 2022 @ 12:45 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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The Swanson family spent an enjoyable Sunday afternoon gathered around their iPad on a long video call with Grandma and Grandpa's ceiling.
Published: Monday, August 29th, 2022 @ 11:46 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Insider trading expert and husband of the Speaker of the House Paul Pelosi has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge and has been sentenced to live with Nancy Pelosi again after 5 days in prison.
Published: Monday, August 29th, 2022 @ 11:14 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A clip from a live Q&A with the cast and crew of Amazon's upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power television series went viral Tuesday when showrunners clarified any resemblance to the works of Tolkien was purely coincidental.
Published: Monday, August 29th, 2022 @ 12:00 am
By: Babylon Bee
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This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway.
Published: Sunday, August 28th, 2022 @ 11:40 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
Published: Sunday, August 28th, 2022 @ 7:39 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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