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Babylon Bee's Entries

While today's churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy.
While today's churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy.
 
Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.
Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.
 
After a standout performance in the FBI's latest work, Sharpie has landed a huge endorsement deal as the preferred highlighter of America's federal agents.
After a standout performance in the FBI's latest work, Sharpie has landed a huge endorsement deal as the preferred highlighter of America's federal agents.
 
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced a new drug to fix the side effect from their last new drug, which was developed to fix the side effect from the one before that.
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced a new drug to fix the side effect from their last new drug, which was developed to fix the side effect from the one before that.
 
NEW YORK - Unknown last-minute entrant Novako Djomuñoz has suddenly become the talk of the U.S. Open tennis tournament, showing world-class talent as he swept through qualifiers.
NEW YORK - Unknown last-minute entrant Novako Djomuñoz has suddenly become the talk of the U.S. Open tennis tournament, showing world-class talent as he swept through qualifiers.
 
The Perry family made their annual appearance at Oak Hills Birthing Center this week, getting their punch card stamped for the sixth time -- and now they're just one more stamp away from getting a free delivery, according to sources.
The Perry family made their annual appearance at Oak Hills Birthing Center this week, getting their punch card stamped for the sixth time -- and now they're just one more stamp away from getting a free delivery, according to sources.
 
Authorities responded to a level 5 event in Boca Raton Friday after Ben Shapiro casually strolled through a Whole Foods Market, resulting in the death of thousands.
Authorities responded to a level 5 event in Boca Raton Friday after Ben Shapiro casually strolled through a Whole Foods Market, resulting in the death of thousands.
 
Today's affidavit from the Department of Justice that spelled out the reason for raiding Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago was a doozy.
Today's affidavit from the Department of Justice that spelled out the reason for raiding Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago was a doozy.
 
The nation is reportedly facing yet another shortage under the Biden administration, this time on black printer ink.
The nation is reportedly facing yet another shortage under the Biden administration, this time on black printer ink.
 
After Mark Zuckerberg leaked news that the FBI had instructed Facebook to censor posts about Hunter's laptop, the FBI immediately called Zuckerberg to tell him to censor any posts about that censorship.
After Mark Zuckerberg leaked news that the FBI had instructed Facebook to censor posts about Hunter's laptop, the FBI immediately called Zuckerberg to tell him to censor any posts about that censorship.
 
Harvard University announced Friday that they have recruited U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren to teach a class on why college is so expensive.
Harvard University announced Friday that they have recruited U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren to teach a class on why college is so expensive.
 
The Department of Justice has released the redacted affidavit leading to the search of former president Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago, and it appears every single word was blacked out except three in the middle: ORANGE MAN BAD.
The Department of Justice has released the redacted affidavit leading to the search of former president Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago, and it appears every single word was blacked out except three in the middle: ORANGE MAN BAD.
 
We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.
We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.
 
A surprising new study found that the average lifetime earnings of graduates who have earned a gender studies degree rose sharply to $10,000 this week.
A surprising new study found that the average lifetime earnings of graduates who have earned a gender studies degree rose sharply to $10,000 this week.
 
According to sources, local woman Grace Barton committed to reveal her most recent Target receipt to her husband by noon today, but when she submitted the document, almost every word and line item on the receipt was redacted with a thick black bar.
According to sources, local woman Grace Barton committed to reveal her most recent Target receipt to her husband by noon today, but when she submitted the document, almost every word and line item on the receipt was redacted with a thick black bar.
 
Local wife and mother of three Hannah Baxter was tired of constantly reminding her husband, Brad, to put his socks in the dirty clothes hamper.
Local wife and mother of three Hannah Baxter was tired of constantly reminding her husband, Brad, to put his socks in the dirty clothes hamper.
 
New dad Lowell Cherry said that he is recovering well after a trying ordeal in the delivery room for the birth of his fifth child.
New dad Lowell Cherry said that he is recovering well after a trying ordeal in the delivery room for the birth of his fifth child.
 
Apple has added an exciting new reality show to its streaming lineup which will follow the Clintons around as they murder anyone who might have dirt on them.
Apple has added an exciting new reality show to its streaming lineup which will follow the Clintons around as they murder anyone who might have dirt on them.
 
"Whoa, bro. Whoa," said Joe Rogan as he interviewed Mark Zuckerberg earlier this week. "Did... did you just, like, blink your eyes sideways?"
"Whoa, bro. Whoa," said Joe Rogan as he interviewed Mark Zuckerberg earlier this week. "Did... did you just, like, blink your eyes sideways?"
 
President Biden has recently announced that he will be canceling $10,000 in student loan debt for all borrowers who cannot pay for loans they were forced into against their will.
President Biden has recently announced that he will be canceling $10,000 in student loan debt for all borrowers who cannot pay for loans they were forced into against their will.
 
Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf.
Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf.
 
According to sources, fan-favorite superhero lawyer She-Hulk continued to insist to her husband today that she is "fine", while literally turning into a green rage monster.
According to sources, fan-favorite superhero lawyer She-Hulk continued to insist to her husband today that she is "fine", while literally turning into a green rage monster.
 
Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China's top government officers
Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China's top government officers
 
Canceling debts is popular! As it turns out, Americans love it when the consequences of their own poor choices are paid for by others.
Canceling debts is popular! As it turns out, Americans love it when the consequences of their own poor choices are paid for by others.
 
On the heels of news that the Biden Administration is forgiving tens of thousands of dollars' worth of student loan debt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began pushing the White House to offer the same relief to Americans with outstanding bar tabs.
On the heels of news that the Biden Administration is forgiving tens of thousands of dollars' worth of student loan debt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began pushing the White House to offer the same relief to Americans with outstanding bar tabs.
 
Local father of three Kirk Watson once again exploited his children's insatiable desire for fast food to get himself some McDonald's, say sources.
Local father of three Kirk Watson once again exploited his children's insatiable desire for fast food to get himself some McDonald's, say sources.
 
New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez showed her solidarity with Biden's move to use poor taxpayers' money to pay off wealthier Americans' student loan debt, donning a "Tax The Poor" dress and posing for pictures.
New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez showed her solidarity with Biden's move to use poor taxpayers' money to pay off wealthier Americans' student loan debt, donning a "Tax The Poor" dress and posing for pictures.
 
President Biden announced plans today to forgive $10,000 in student loan debt for anyone making less than $125k per year.
President Biden announced plans today to forgive $10,000 in student loan debt for anyone making less than $125k per year.
 
Hey capitalists! You still think your system is perfect? Well, think again! Capitalism is one of the worst things to happen to humanity and we'll show you why.
Hey capitalists! You still think your system is perfect? Well, think again! Capitalism is one of the worst things to happen to humanity and we'll show you why.
 
The Swanson family spent an enjoyable Sunday afternoon gathered around their iPad on a long video call with Grandma and Grandpa's ceiling.
The Swanson family spent an enjoyable Sunday afternoon gathered around their iPad on a long video call with Grandma and Grandpa's ceiling.
 
Insider trading expert and husband of the Speaker of the House Paul Pelosi has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge and has been sentenced to live with Nancy Pelosi again after 5 days in prison.
Insider trading expert and husband of the Speaker of the House Paul Pelosi has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge and has been sentenced to live with Nancy Pelosi again after 5 days in prison.
 
A clip from a live Q&A with the cast and crew of Amazon's upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power television series went viral Tuesday when showrunners clarified any resemblance to the works of Tolkien was purely coincidental.
A clip from a live Q&A with the cast and crew of Amazon's upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power television series went viral Tuesday when showrunners clarified any resemblance to the works of Tolkien was purely coincidental.
 
This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway.
This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway.
 
In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln's portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
 
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